The rest of the day was a blur. About a minute after ‘mystery blonde girl’ drives away, Mia came out looking a bit flustered. Weird. When I asked her she had this lame excuse that she was running around when she was looking for her assignment.

Sure you were sis….sure you were.

After signing some papers and a little talk with the principal about my track record and music program the big sis was off and I was gifted with the privilege of finding my classes. For a hick small town the campus was pretty huge. Let’s just say I was late to every one of said classes. Sadly though I did not see blue eyes at all. Apparently the football team skipped the first day, guess she was with her boyfriend. The only room I absolutely know how to get to would be the music room. It’s absolutely gorgeous and sound proof apparently. That amp system is crazy sick and I spent my whole lunch period in that room playing the song I had written on my flight. The rest of my day i felt pretty down. The memories just messed me up.

I settled down
A twisted up frown
Disguised as a smile, well
You would have never known
I had it all but not what I wanted
’cause hope for me was a place uncharted
And overgrown

You make your way in
I resist you just like this
You can’t tell me to feel
The truth never set me free
So I did it myself

It was so glaringly obvious that I was miserable, yet no one cared to look and see that I was. They would have never known. There was a time that I would berate myself because I knew I had everything any teen could want and much more. Problem was that what they wanted I only had it. The things they had I wanted. Having genuine faith or hope that my dad could love me was something I wasn’t familiar with, hope, in itself was something I didn’t know of, I simply saw it as a hallmark-y affection. Affection, to me, means weakness. I simply won’t be weak.

You can’t be too careful anymore
When all that is waiting for you
Won’t come any closer
You’ve got to reach a little more

People have always hurt me. My mom, my dad, old flames….everyone. I definitely can’t be too careful any more. I can’t set my self up for any more pain or disappointment and I won’t. This is my way of reaching for what’s waiting for me, hopefully. A world, life, free of pain. Then maybe I won’t be so emotionally detached.

Open your eyes like I opened mine
It’s only the real world
A life you will never know
Shifting your weight to throw off the pain
Well you can ignore it
But only for so long

No one knows how I feel, the can only imagine. I’ve become ignorant to the burn of rejection and I now realize that I simply don’t care any more. The drugs, the girls…it was all an aversion to discard of the pain. Reality struck. It struck me hard.

You look like I did
You resist me just like this
You can’t tell me to heal
And it hurts remembering how it felt to shut down

My heart, my soul, my essence it’s all locked away. Safe keeping. I refuse to be hurt again.