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    Torn

    Meeting her friends made me feel even more guilty, as I subconsciously sipped away at my wine. The guilt was starting to dawn on me. Had I just fucked up the best thing that had happened to me in a long while? Was I really in love with them both? How could I tell her?

    I sat quietly lost in my own train of thoughts as Sam and her friends giggled and told old stories about one another. I heard Ryder say that Sam had fallen over on the beat looking for a suspect. Although she had bloody knees and ripped trousers she still carried on her pursuit. She caught him in the end. I smiled. I could envision her determination at protecting the public and not necessarily thinking of her own health. That’s one of the things I loved about her that she was protective and I felt safe, she loved me for me.

    “Are you ok Cat?”

    I was broken from my thoughts greeted by a worried look that masked Sam’s face, “Yeah course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”.

    “Just you’ve been really quiet. Is everything ok with Ed now?”.

    “Erm yeah. He seems ok, I think Tess just needs abit of headspace to wrap her head around the fact he likes her as more than a friend.”

    “It happens. People fall in love with their friends all the time whether they are gay or straight it happens.”

    She was right. But she didn’t know I still felt something for my best friend and an hour ago I was wrapped in her sheets. I lied to her once. And I promised I wouldn’t do it again. But I don’t want to break her heart for something that seems stupid and reckless of me. Frankie always had some influence over me… Like something you know is bad for you but you only see the sugar coated side when she places her lips on yours. How could I be so stupid to lie to Sam and run to see Frankie?

    “Yeah I suppose it can happen to the best of us”.

    Sam closed the space between us, whenever she did that I some how knew her hand would end up on my body. Her hand found a place on my thigh, she slowly caressed it as she continued to talk with friends. It was then I realised how much shit I had put her through in the short space of time we had been together. But yet she was still including me and not excluding me from the conversation at hand. This was her way of letting me know she cared I was here. I thought about everything I had done to her:

    1. I had implied she was a thug on the first date.
    2. I flipped at her in the police station even though it wasn’t her fault.
    3. I lied to her about finding that information out and who it was for.
    4. I had a shit day at work and Frankie riled me up so I ruined our evening together.
    5. I slept with Frankie.

    They were just a few things I had done, she had been really understanding about me being friends with Frankie. I don’t even know how I would have reacted or deal with the fact if Sam wanted to be friends with her ex. Who were her ex’s?

    “Anyway guys I’m gonna call it a night and take my gorgeous other half home”.

    “You’re a spoil sport aren’t you Murray. I’ll see you tomorrow. We’re on the late remember.”

    I had expected to get blind drunk with the way I was feeling instead I was basically sober and guilt ridden. Should I tell her tonight?

    Sam caressed my hand, “Let’s get you home. It’s been a long day.”

    I simply nodded as I gulped down the last of my wine. Firmly gripping my fingers around hers. I didn’t want to lose that feeling of belonging to someone whole-heartedly and feeling safe. I can’t lose her. I still love her.

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