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    How I long for Vanilla (finished edit)

    Claire, Vanessa, Claire, Vanessa, Claire, Vanessa … The two names that turned my life from what I would describe as vanilla (which I stupidly thought was boring) to this current colour which I can only describe as fluorescent rainbow! Each colour a different mood and emotion, a mix of feelings and confusion. Not one colour quite merging with the next before it becomes a haze! The two names that have been all I can think about in this technicolour dream the last few days. At least I think it’s been days. The curtains are shut, my phone is switched off and I have no concept of time or the outside world! I maybe should eat ”When did I last eat?” Hmmm oh yes at ”that party” .. ohhh how did it all get so messed up??!! There’s no way I can eat my insides just won’t stop turning …
    Vanessa came from no were, just showed up. Then she said it, the words! The words I’d dreamed of for so long, the words that I had played every way possible in my head of how i would feel or react….. Nothing prepared me!
    When she left I felt like my heart was broken forever, she wasn’t just ”some girl” she was my best friend. These feelings I had for her were the kind of messed up situation we would spend hours talking about watching some rubbish girlie chick flick she had picked out whilst she talked sense into me and feeding me Ben & Jerrys, laid in our comfy clothes looking our worst. She would make me see life clearly again because that’s how it is with her … My best friend … Familiar, easy, comfortable!
    However I couldnt tell my best friend how broken I was because my best friend left and took my heart with her.
    I threw everything I had at Claire to try and forget the emotional torment between my heart and in my head. I needed to forget … Forget how she smiled at me in that cheeky way which meant only I knew what she was thinking. Forget how the way she smelt made my knees go weak and forget how my heart fluttered whenever she was near me. I had really tried and I was starting to mend (or so I thought) … Because there she was and it all came flooding back like a tidal wave washing over me and I was the debris being swept away!
    I can still see it in my mind. I close my eyes and I see it. I open them and I see it. There is no escaping this, I am stuck within my own bad dream and I can’t wake up.
    Vanessa in front of me, her eyes full of love and trust. Claire behind me seeing that kiss, that heart wrenching sob I can’t shake from my mind like a bad song on repeat and as I turned to her the emptiness in her eyes full of hate and hurt. Then there’s me, stood there. Reeling from what just happened. Unable to speak, unable to breathe! Were did Vanessa come from, SHE LEFT!!!!
    After that is pretty hazy but I do recall Claire breaking things and Vanessa crying. I caused this, I am a good person and I caused this. Is it true good people can do bad things or am I not the person I thought I was my whole life? Only the bad are capable of such destruction surely?
    What am I doing? I have Claire. She’s perfect in every way. She loves me unconditionally and I know I’m safe, even after this I know deep down I can fix it … Do I want to fix it? Of course I do she won’t break my heart …. I’m in denial … My heart’s already breaking. It’s breaking for Vanessa because I love her with every part of my heart and soul …. But I have Claire!! HOW did I let this happen???
    Some way, some how, some one is going to get hurt. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I need to make a decision. Do I follow my head or my heart??
    I wish I had the answers but for now I guess I will stay right here hidden in the darkness of my bedroom and fall back to sleep were for now at least it’s keeping me safe from the train wreck that is my own feelings.


           How I long for Vanilla!

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