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Its been 2 days.. Well actually if I’m counting its been 48 hours and 15 minutes since I saw and heard the sobs come from my girlfriend as she watched me kiss the love of my life, my best friend, the girl that ran away and left me behind, left me with a broken heart.
The party ended quite quickly after Vanessa walked back into my life, Claire ran right past me and Vanessa and straight out the front door. I had two options, go after my girlfriend who has stood by me while I came out to everyone, or stay with Vanessa, my best friend, the girl my heart beats for, the girl that broke it into a million pieces.
So I did what I thought was the best idea, I ran to my room, and haven’t left it since. I’ve had 10 missed calls from Vanessa and one heart wrenching voice mail from Claire. I was wrapped with guilt I could only listen to half of it. Vanessa didn’t leave a voicemail, I’m glad as I don’t think I could cope with hearing her voice, the way it changes when she’s upset, The way it cracks with every word spoken. I would of ended up leaving the comfort of my own four walls and being at her front door telling her she’s the one I want to be able to think of without feeling that horrible pain in my chest, she’s the one I want to draw silly love heart pictures with our initials in them on my school book, she’s the one I want to be with, not Claire.
But that’s exactly why I’m still laid in my bed staring up at the same ceiling I’ve been staring at for 2 days now, I need to take time for myself to think what I really want, what is the best path to take. Claire, who is so lovely and bubbly and full of life who has been my rock recently, who when holds my hand it feels nice, I feel safe.
Or there is Vanessa, who when I’m near I get goose bumps, my heart does a weird double beat when she smiles at me, she’s also the girl that broke me, that made me cry into my pillow god knows how many times, the girl that when life got hard just ran and never called to let anyone know she was okay. I just didn’t know what to do apart from try to forget about my complicated life.
I could feel my brain start to hurt and my eyes start stinging again for the 100th time today, I closed my eyes and let sleep overcome me, the last thing I thought of was Vanessa’s smile.