“Don’t you deserve someone that does get you?”
“He’s learning and getting better… I just feel like something is off… something isn’t clicking in place”

I swallowed and asked the hard question “Do you love him?”

“Yes….no… kind of… I love him… but not in love… he doesn’t make me feel that…. Thing…”

I interrupt “That thing that’s like a craving…. That keeps you coming back…begging… that feeling when you see them and the sight alone makes your heart stop and speed up at the same time…. Unconditional…irrevocable…

“Yeah…..” Her voice cracks and I can feel the emotion with each heavy breath she takes into the phone.

“You deserve that Spencer, you of all people should feel that everyday”

“I do, just not with who everyone wants me to be with?”

“Who do you want?”

“You know…”

“Yeah… but I’d like to hear it”

“I can’t”

“Why not… it’s just us”

“It’ll make it to real…. What I’m giving up”

“ I don’t understand, Spencer”

“You know how there’s a moment even if it’s so small and simple, how that one moment can make everything real… like your seeing it for the first time…and it’s slapping you in the face.”
“Like visiting the grave of someone you’ve lost for the first time?”

“Yeah…”

“And what?”

“That would be the moment for me… to say what we both know would make this all real… would make my world crumble.”

“So you would be unhappy…just to please your mom…to have babies and a white picket fenced home with Patrick! To be trapped like that!”

“I’d be fine yes”

“But what about extraordinary?”

“It doesn’t exist”

“In our screwed up world and system even I know that’s bullshit… it does exist! Your just letting everyone else push you away from your extraordinary!”

“In my world FINE is just fine!”

She hung up and I was left listening to the dial tone. Wishing I would of just kept my mouth shut. This push and pull was making me crazy, was leaving me not just wanting her but needing her. I couldn’t breath, she took my breath, my heart, my world, And I was left gasping for air, clinging to my limp heart, and living in black.

I couldn’t sleep that night, and I could bet she couldn’t either. I could literally feel her tossing and turning in her bed, that was only a couple of yards away from mine. I couldn’t get the sound of how her voice sounded, how hollow and un-Spencer like. How I could read her every word, its real meaning, it’s real confession. She was saying we were forbidden. We were not a ‘we.’ She was asking me to stay away but not out of reach. And for now that was good enough for me. For now I could live with that. I just didn’t know for how long. It hurt.

It was winter in Ohio and cold, but that didn’t stop me from climbing out my window in sweats and a black tank. I not so gracefully made my way out my window and over to the Carlin’s. I was going to go for throwing rocks at her window, but with my luck, and the fact I already fell out my window, I decided to send a text.

“I know your upset, but please open your window!!!!!!!”

After a few minutes of me hopping up and down to stay warm she opened her window

“What is it Ashley”

“She speaks…. O, speak again, bright angel! For thou art As glorious to this night, being o’er my head, As is a wingèd messenger of heaven Unto the white, upturnèd, wondering eyes 30 Of mortals that fall back to gaze on him When he bestrides the lazy-puffing clouds And sails upon the bosom of the air.

“Ash…,  ‘Shakespeare‘?….what is so important that your outside my window at 1am?”

“I cant stand you being mad at me”

“I’m not mad at you…I’m mad at the situation”

“The situation sucks…but I’m not going any where”

“That’s the problem… you’re the only one that doesn’t pressure me… I don’t want that to change”

“No pressure… no expectations… you just make me happy… i dont want to be out of your life… just friends.”

“We were never just friends and you know it”

“Ok we’ll be best friends… that cuddle”

She let a little laugh pass through her lips “ k… just tell me if it becomes to much”

“I promise”

“No promises”

“I swear then”

“No swearing”

“But I do … Lady, by yonder blessèd moon I vow, That tips with silver all these fruit-tree tops—

“You’re a dork ‘Shakespeare’

“Yes… Yes I am… but as long as you let me…I’ll be your dork”

“Do you want to come up?”

“Yeah…. Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your long hair”

“What ever dork”