“Ashley.. You know I love you…”

“Yeah, but not enough to be with me… not enough to stop being scared… not enough to stop hiding.”

“I just cant…. Right now…not yet”

“Then When?”

She didn’t answer she just looked away

                       And then she was gone, back into the arms of someone that wasn’t me. I couldn’t keep from crying, the tears weren’t going to hide anymore. So I left. I’m walking home it’s a 30 minute walk, but I don’t care I need to clear my head. I’m just thinking about what I need to do, I need to stop hurting myself like this, I mean clearly, she doest want me, like I want her. Don’t I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love them?? Isn’t that how this whole love thing works?? I need to figure out how to heal. The only way I can do that is to leave, to figure out who I am with out her in my life. That’s what I’m doing. Packing. I don’t need anything but my notebook and a duffle bag. I’ve made my decision. I just have to see her one more time. Feel her her one more time. Make a Memory…

May 2005 The last time I saw her

                       I pulled my car up next door to the Carlin’s I was ready to go. Spencer and I haven’t talked since prom, but I have to tell her goodbye. I take a few deep breaths, and walk the path to her front door. Kyla answers.

“Hey Ky, is um, Spencer here. “

“Yeah, just one sec.. you ok Ash”

“Not really, I just need to speak with her”

“Ok, Adien told me you were leaving”

“Yeah, for a while, anyway”

“What happened at prom, Ash?”

“Things changed you know?”

“Not really, but you better call me Sister”

“I will lil sis”

                 Kyla hugged me, and I didn’t let go until I saw Spencer descend from the stairs and look at us. The truth was I wasn’t just leaving my love, I was also leaving my family, but this was something I had to do for myself.

“Love you Ky”

“Love you too Ash”

“You better call”

“I will. I promise”

             And that was a promise I was going to keep. With one last kiss on the cheek, Kyla left Spencer and I alone.

“Hi, Spin”

“Ashley?”

                     She looked at my packed car and then back at me with questioning eyes. I didn’t respond with words. I stepped closer to her and kissed her with everything I had. All my love, all my pain, all my will, everything, because she was my everything. That wouldn’t change. Never. I pulled away, and rested my forehead on hers. Our eyes were closed, she new as much as I did that this was a goodbye. This was it. I was leaving, and she knew. She was letting me go, because she knew the way we were doing things wasn’t fair to us. Love was suppose to hurt, not kill.

“I love you Spencer, but I have to learn how to live my life, with out you in it”

“Do you have to go?”

“Yeah I do”

“I love you Ash”

“And I, you Spin”

“Don’t go”

“I cant stay, it hurts to bad”

“It’ll change”

“Spencer your mom isn’t going to change her mind over night, everyone around us isn’t going to stop pulling us away, You’re not going to just stop feeling this pressure, it’s my fault..”

“No, it’s not”

“If I hadn’t of came here you wouldn’t be feeling like this, you deserve to be happy, I’m not that person”

“Ash….”

“I love you Spencer, that will never change”

                       I squeezed her once more and grabbed her hand. I slowly walked away from my love, not letting her hand go until I wouldn’t be able to touch her, watching our hands break free and fall to our sides. I walked backwards to my car, soaking her in, making a memory, my last of her. I took a deep breath and watched her crumble. I opened my car door and drove away, wiping the tears that had snuck upon me, the tears that were freely falling down my face.