“We should go to bed babe, we can’t stay on the floor all night.”

Ashley dipped her head to look at me as she spoke quietly. Like she was afraid to spook me.

I’m still holding her hand and still letting her gently brush my hair. If I was her I wouldn’t want to shock me out of that either.

I feel completely drained.

Walking into the loft. Looking around and realised nothing had changed and at the same time realising everything had. It was too much.

I remembered how it was right before I left.

Before…

How excited Ashley was, how proud I was.

How happy we were.

It was too much.

I knew I terrified Ashley was when I had suddenly collapsed crying. She’d looked so panicked. I can see how much this whole thing is breaking her.

And I can see how much I’m hurting her.

Part of me wants her to pull her close. Let her soothe everything away.

I want that.

Oh God how I do.

But I just can’t! I just…

I just can’t.

And it’s breaking me inside. But that is nothing compared to how I feel when I see her breaking on the outside.

She’s trying to be strong for me.

But I know her. I know her better than she knows herself. I can see how devastated she is.

“Babe?” I realised I hadn’t answered her; she gently tipped my chin up.

“Spence?” The worried desperate look was back, worry dancing behind her eyes. I tried to swallow. I should probably try to answer in case she thinks I’ve gone catatonic.

“Yeah,” I managed to croak out and I heard her release a breath.

“Come on then,” She clambered ungracefully to her feet, wincing as she stretched out her muscles, her fingers still tightly intertwined in mine. She offered me her other hand and helped pull me to my feet.

I hissed and clenched my jaw as pain shot through my body. I felt a tear slide down my cheek as the pain between my legs returned with full force.

The pain in my back also flared up as the muscles stretched out.