"Things just couldn’t get worse"

How many times have we said it? How many times has every teenager looked in the mirror and told themselves that just so they could walk out the door. Never have I done that. I’m not like most, as most do know. I’m the one who could care less because I know what I have, can’t have, and I accept it better than anyone else. I’ve lived a life full of disappointment and I can’t even bring myself to say it because I have no idea what is in store for me.

I remember the day she said it was over. I looked at myself in the mirror that morning before school and told myself I better suck it up. That could be my problem I guess. I have never once taken the time to just sit and cry myself to sleep. I’ve always just drowned myself away in my sorrows, aka drugs and alcohol, and as I write this, yes, I am drunk. But it was never a problem before. I never had a concious or cared if my teachers could smell it on my breath. But here I am, being paranoid.

I just sigh out loud, millions of times. I feel my love for once, I feel the caring feeling I have. But there’s no one to give it to now and it hurts. I’m slowly getting over her, I’m not there yet, but close. Only problem is who do I direct these knew emotions at, no way I could just shut them off again. Her voice is in my head telling me it’d just make me hurt worse. God, this science class sucks.

At the beginning of the year I thought this teacher was cool because he had a bong collection in his room. Well, he got told to take it down a few weeks ago and now I am forced to listen and now I hate this teacher.

I dunno what I’m doing. I told myself this was going to be my journal of emotions, but since Spencer left it’s my journal of thoughtless writtings and retarded love songs. I’m pathetic, especially now that I have a song running in my head.

Call it my shot of clarity

Hidden in the bottom of this bottle

This alcohol sinks deep

But your words stab quicker

Slice deeper

I can’t sing loud enough tonight

To drown out my screams

And now I see it’s not what it seems

I watched, waited till the day it ended

If you couldn’t tell

I’ve been trying to find this piece

A piece I know I dropped myself

If you had picked it up

Things might be different

But we’re here in the now

And I don’t consider you the future anymore

Last time I did it shot me in the heart

My own words betrayed me from the start

I’ve walked my own path too long to turn back

I’ve come so far to feel like this again

And all I remember you saying is a simple thanks

A thanks for taking time to love you

And I left it at that, left my secret deep down

I never thought I’d have the clarity I do now

Call it liquid courage or rage that pleases this soul

But the truth I never told you

Was the fact that no thanks is needed

When what you thank me for is what I hate

Yes, that’s right, I hate to love you

And slowly it drifts away

Call this my shot of clarity

Inside this glass filled to the brim

The alcohol sinking deep

As your words pull from me so quick

It’s painful at first

But I have my clarity in hand

And I think it’s time I let it go

Yeah, I’ve let you go tonight

And I’m saying goodbye

Cause I know it’s only right

Am I really that drunk? Fuck this, I’m done.

Ashley closes her book and lays down her head to sleep.