I went back to the apartment shortly after she had left.  I closed the door behind me and leaned against it.  I looked around and immediately felt her absence.  I slid down the door slowly, taking in the situation I had created.  I did that to us.  I had made her leave.  I did not give her a choice.  I did not tell her that I loved her.  I did nothing.  That was when I was sucked in by the gravity of the situation.  I was enveloped with grief and the force of the emotion raked over me.  My whole body shook with pain.  I can not say for sure how long I just sat there crying.  It might have been minutes, it might have been days.  It didn’t matter anyway, she was gone.  At some point I laid on the floor and only out of pure emotional exhaustion had I fallen asleep.  Again, time was of no concern to me.  At some point I felt myself being lifted off the floor.  I could not open my eyes, it hurt too much.  It would mean that this was not just some horrible nightmare that I would wake from.  I was laid onto the bed and my shoes were removed from my feet.  I felt the bed dip next to me and I felt a hand begin to caress my face. 

            “You came back?”  I asked her.

            “No honey, it’s me Lucy.  You gave me quite a scare.  I came in to you lying across the floor.  Sweetie, where is Ashley?”  Round two.  I began the cycle again.  Emotional pain; to physical pain; to exhaustion; to sleep. 

            Lucy took care of me.  At some point I managed to stay coherent long enough to tell her what happened.  She asked me if I wanted her to call Ashley.  I shook my head no and went for round six or seven at that point.  I could not stand to have her see me like this. 

~

            I find myself crying all over again, just thinking back on those days.  I wound up being in bed for almost two weeks, before my boss threatened to fire me for not showing up.  Everyday I had prayed that she would come back.  I wish I had given her reason to.