“Yeah,” she nodded, keeping her expression blank and trying with little success to do the same with her mind, because she couldn’t help but wonder how the forlorn song would sound when Ashley let her music suffer as the expression of all that just happened on a stage somewhere – perhaps a thousand stages ranging from secluded to infamous – with only a guitar and her voice to paint the masterpiece into minds all over the world, “That’s it.” Her stomach churned in nausea as she grasped the finality and impact of what she was about to do. The ring in her pocket burned like holy water on a person under demonic possession. She hated herself. It was no exaggeration; hatred, with potent and unbridled loathing. But there was another villain gnawing at the back of her mind as well and this thief was the one who was going to steal the centre of all her desires and take the girl Madison was meant to be with, maybe forever. “You shouldn’t stay with Spencer,” she muttered as she turned around, her back a shadow silhouetted in the faint sunlight, “Find someone better; don’t become like me.”

Unable to stay any longer without forfeiting her own sanity, she headed off for home. The inner-voices were kicking and screaming and crying and sitting in the corner in absolute silence, dead inside, flooding her senses and carrying her mind away to a world of depression, regret and what-ifs. Her eyes were out of focus and everything around her faded away, smearing as she wandered blindly or muffling into deafness, with her legs pumping automatically and moving beyond her awareness. “You bitch!” Madison stumbled and came to an immediate halt when Ashley’s shout struck through her core like a rusted blade. But she didn’t look back and swiftly resumed in exit.

She left her standing on the beach, broken hearted, collapsing onto her knees, her body racking in sobs and fitful shivers, yelling out in a grievous wail of anguish, and yet so sure nobody was around to hear it. Alone. So wrapped in solitude and alienated from humanity.

“You fucking bitch!” the rain continued to fall all around her – perhaps the sky took pity on her and cried for her sorrow – and she punched at the ground as though it mocked her, despite knowing it was futile. Soaking sand was cold against her palms, but the rest of her body was numb. She knew…She knew it was going to hurt…How could she have been so stupid? Why had she bothered to come out that morning? “I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!” One hand reached into her pocket, grabbed aimlessly at her pen and hurled it away into nowhere. She longed for something substantial to throw; an object to break and launch against a wall, but her only worldly possession was her guitar, and she could never harm her only friend, not when she needed it most. There was no one. Her realm was empty and lonely, as she’d feared for so long. It was all too hard to handle, and she didn’t give a fuck how wretched she looked, spluttering and breathless as dawn gradually lifted the darkness sheltered within clouds, but the shadows refused to disengage from her draining dreams. Water dripped from her clothes and skin, catching between eternity and the speed of light in suspended animation. “I love you…”

And she wept on her hands and knees for the love of her life. Her first. Her last. Her only. Again, she had broken her heart. She didn’t know whether to regret that morning or savour it and thus she chose neither. She hated it and despised it with every fibre of her being.

Alone. Forever and always. It became clear; she was destined to be by herself.

You are on your own again killing time.