The whole dinner Kristin told Spencer about all of our misadventures in college. From me waking up in just a mini-skirt because I was too drunk to dress myself for bed, to every girl I denied. I hated it. I hated that Spencer now knew how I spent my life after we broke up. When we were finally done eating dinner I couldn’t have been happier. I thought I was going to jump up and do the Snoopy dance.

As we parted ways outside of the café Spencer and Kristin exchanged phone numbers and I felt completely out of place. As we walked away I didn’t say a word. I knew Spencer was looking at me, I could feel her eyes transfixed on me, “You’re not very talk-a-tive.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“What’s wrong?” Spencer linked her left arm through my right arm.

“I just…the past…I hate the past.”

“Why? It sounded like you had a blast in college.”

“I did sometimes. But a majority of the time I kept to myself. I became this hermit type person. At least up until the moment that Kristin would come in with alcohol and tell me that I was having at least one drink.”

“There’s a lot that you regret isn’t there?” Her eyes stayed fixed on me.

“Honestly, yes. I look back at who I was in high school. I was this badass, no rules, fuck everyone who tells me I’m wrong, kind of person. But the moment that my life separated me from the one thing that grounded me more than anything, I became this little girl again.”

“What kept you from being the girl you were in high school?”

“I don’t know. I felt like she was dead. I felt like I was just living in a shell. But then I transformed into something completely different and I survived the war only to survive the shell shock. I mean, sure I’ve used my fair share of girls but that was only because I felt empty inside. None of them meant a thing to me. That was the only characteristic of the old Ashley Davies that I still held on to.”

Spencer stopped and pulled on my arm. She placed her right hand on the side of my face, “I still see both of them.”