All Brooke could concentrate on was Sam’s mouth. How it moved, what
shapes it took, and she was stuck. Sam stopped talking and just
stared at her. The stillness of Sam’s mouth brought Brooke back.

When they got home both girls again went into their respective rooms
for some serious contemplation. Sam glanced at her lap top but
decided against it. Instead she propped herself up on the bed and
got out a notebook. She needed to physically write down and see her
words materialize in ink form. It was a spell, a ride that she
couldn’t control. If she wasn’t in the driver’s seat then she didn’t
know how to handle it.

This kind of uncharted territory wasn’t something that she had known
she would ever be crossing into. Now that she was here, it was so
fast. The way for Sam to maintain control in this situation was to
write it out. It was the ultimate way to play puppet master. She
could live in her head, and play with people, her characters, to
find a result that always suited her. Deep feelings had a way of
bringing up the past. These feelings set Sam’s mind through a place
where her own issues and pain were striking her nerves with every
letter she wrote. It was a repeat of the previous weeks of writing
with more intensity.

If she was honest with herself, really honest, she knew what the
truth was. To say or write it seemed to take something away from it
though. It was putting it in a box, and this wasn’t a feeling that
could be reined in by conventional thought. She lay back on her
pillows and stared at the ceiling. She had been living in her own
head for awhile now, and it was hard to imagine a life back in the
world knowing what she now knew.

There on the paper in bold black gel ink was scrawled the sum of
every confusing thought she had been having, "I’m *****?!" Sam
McPherson was a *****, a Sapphic sister, and she didn’t quite know
how to feel about it yet. Sometimes coming to a realization can make
you happy, but then there is the other part of the realization that
cancels out the happy for the moment. She would be okay with this
eventually. It was incredibly freeing in a way she had never
expected.

What could she do but live with the complications that it would
bring? So Sam, with her newly acquired gayness, decided to go to
bed. At least now she could explain much of her music collection.
Now that she thought about it her relationships with other girls
made a lot more sense put into this new perspective. There had
always been something different in her relatonships with Carmen and
Lily. Carmen was great and one of her best buds, but she remembered
a time when she used to get a little gushy over how awesome Lily
was. Maybe it was the whole crusading spirit that had attracted Sam
to her.