No one could see or hear or come even close to feeling the things that I have felt. My life is lived upon misery, upon guilt I could never stop and upon the lies I proceeded to tell even the one I love. My life Is not only a mystery, but one thing that the one I love thought she knew. Ashley Davies is a liar, and nothing more.

Spencer was the one I couldn’t do without. I lied about my life to her to not scare her away. The things I have done, among the drugs, were things that someone like Spencer couldn’t handle.

"She’d never understand," I say to the bartender right before I hiccup.

"I think maybe you should try," the bartender replied filling up my drink. "You know, anymore of these and I could end up having to carry you home myself."

I hiccup a few times before throwing an insult at the bartender who was also my friend. "You’re serving me and I’m under 21, I think you’re fucked anway." Another hiccup passed.

I watched as my friend walked away and regreted it. I don’t have many of those, especially since I’ve had been pushing Spencer away for no good reason.

I finished off my her drink and got another. The bartender comes back with a beer and a shot.

"It’s from the girl over there," she smiles at me, and I refuse the shot.

As much as Id like to take it, I don’t want this girl to think that I’m inteterested. My only love could never love me back.

Then I remember….. faintly…. my own words. ‘Just because the one you love now doesn’t want you doesn’t mean it’s the end. They’re obviously not your one and you’ll find another.’ I remember it so well now, but I don’t recognize the voice without the constant slur that I have now. I know that I wasn’t stupid, jaded or anything like that. It was probably the best moment in my life. I had won her that day and now I have lost her in such an ungraceful way that the way I won her seems like a fluke.

I drink my beer down, quick so I don’t feel the burn it always leaves. It’s funny how beer burns on its way down, but hard alcohol slides down my throat without any problem.