It’s a Friday night, and here I am, just following my routine that has become regular in the last year. All of the lights are out with the exception of my beloved black light, and I am in my usual position on my bed, lying on my back and staring blankly up at the ceiling.

My headphones play the usual music, haunting songs that remind me of everything as I cradle my bottle of spiked Vitamin Water. Lame, I know, but there’s no sense in risking getting caught and getting in trouble over it. 

This routine is my special remedy, my temporary cure for the emptiness that constantly fills me. You see, I always seem to be craving an escape. That feeling of numbness in my brain that keeps the parasite at bay. This pain is something that I absolutely cannot cope with, and haven’t been able to for the past three years. Three long, bittersweet years.

For the most part my remedy is pretty successful in the sense of controlling that nagging parasite. However, it always seems to make the stabbing feeling in my chest intensify. And that is the point where I get weak and break down all of my resolve.

I am, pathetically enough, guilty of being a "drunk dialer." In reality I barely have to be buzzed before I stupidly reach for the phone. It’s almost like a reflex, a very unfortunate one at that. Honestly, I don’t think any of my inebriated phone conversations have ended up benefitting me.

But the saddest part of my pathetic habit is that the reciever of my drunken telephone rants is always the same person. Without even thinking about it my finger immediately finds her speed dial button, no matter what time of night it is. And I always end up feeling terrible the next day, not only because I made a fool of myself with my incoherent rambling, but because in my inhebriated state time difference is a comepletely foreign concept for me. I know that each time I ask if I’ve woken her up, her assuring me that I didn’t is simply out of kindness.

The worst part of all of that is that just when I swear to myself that I’m done, that I’m cutting off all contact for good, I go and dial her number anyway.