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    The escape and The escape…in the mirror

    Part 1

     

    The escape

     

    The car almost drove by itself. The highway was empty, dark night and some lonely stars at the firmament. 100 mph, always faster and faster. An unexplained feeling of freedom, leaving all behind, doesn’t look back once. Quiet in the background the speaker playing The Corrs – Runaway. But what was it? Was it an escape, a runaway, a giving up? Or was it a new beginning, a new chance? Can I stand up again and begin a new life? Or was I cursed to break up on the past?

     

    It’s been two years since this night. For days I’ve been driving around without an aim, spent my nights in cheap motels and try to convince myself I’ve done the right thing. For all of us. So, anytime I convince myself because I’ve stranded in Seattle. And I'm still here.

     

    I’d met a friend from my time at Yale who helped me to start my new life here. She’s an insider of the art scene here. She had the necessary contacts and so it didn’t last long ‘til I’d built my own small gallery here. Not to compare with my Bette Porter-Gallery in L.A. or my work at the CAC. It’s more calm and comfortable. Without the publicity. It’s exactly what I want.

     

    Besides I don’t want any attention because I don’t want someone’s finding me. If they had found me everything would be useless. Probably I couldn’t resist the please to come back. No, this was much better. A final ending. Absolutely no contact! Out of mind, out of sight.

     

    It was my conviction the others accustom the life in L.A. without me and going back to the daily business. Sure, they would be shocked as they realized I was gone. But it was the right thing for everyone and they wouldn’t remind of the things that happened.

     

    I’ve left L.A. especially for Tina. She deserved to be happy. She deserved to find a person who makes her happy. I’ve failed this task. The love of my life, my congenial, my better half, the only woman in the whole wide world who made me complete.

     

    No, there’s no excuse for what I’ve done. I had to go. For her and for me. How could she pardon me? How could she ever look at me without thinking on what I’ve done to her. And… How could I look in her eyes again? No, there are things which couldn’t be pardon. And if hate myself so much for what I’ve done… How huge has to be her hate?!

     

    Since two years I dream about her every night. I see her smiling face right in front of me. The face I’ve touched and kissed so many times. The face of my angel. But then the smile fades away. Also the lovely look in her eyes. Anger and fury are spreading over her face. She looks at me with that ice cold look and told me with a frosty voice: “I hate you!” This is the moment I wake up sweat and just three words are running through my head: “I hate you!”

     

    “I hate you!” “I hate you!” “I hate you!”

     

    God, will this nightmare never ends? I’ve left her so I could never hurt her again. I gave her the opportunity to live a new happy life. I’ve done all I can to protect her from me. Why didn’t it still leave? The guilt… How should I punished myself to kill these feelings.

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