Dear Tina,

For days I think to write to you this letter. The thoughts race to me by, faster and faster, so many thoughts. My feelings hit tumbles, knot themselves in my stomach and tear me apparently to ground. I would want, I must say so a lot to you, but where do I start?

I had just a quite mad week-end behind myself. For any reason I have gone to L.A. I do not know what I have thought to me, besides. I wanted to go to you, wanted to explain to you, wanted to talk. I have spent the night in the Venice Beach. Do you remember? When I woke the next morning, the courage left me. So I have gone back, the whole long way here to Seattle. I am sorry, I am sorry Tina, it so endlessly.

I begin sometimes from the front, this is maybe the best. At that time I have simply gone because I wanted to hurt you no longer because I wanted to load you no longer with the whole recollection of my awful mistake. This I thought at least. The truth, nevertheless, is, I have run away because I could not endure myself any more. The woman whom I saw in the mirror was despicable. I had lost any respect for her. As bitter is the knowledge that this woman I was. But instead of this I roofed all my mistakes I have done the same mistake over and over again. I have crept away in my work, have admitted no other feelings. There was only disdain for myself. I thought if I punished myself so only hard enough, I could whitewash myself sometime from my guilt. But of course this did not go. I scrubbed so long, until my skin was bloody, however, she did not want to disappear this guilt. I was not simply to be understood in the position that there no excuses, no arguments, no excuse was for what I had done. To understand this, the first step was in the right direction and, nevertheless, my way was still long.

I did myself hard with the thought that all only one mistake, only one single event was. No, rather I recognized that I had committed already so many mistakes. To overlook you, to take your feelings right, not to listen to you, not to take seriously you also sometimes, to put myself and my views so much in the centre of my action and being that it was not possible to me at all to follow you and your life even in the slightest one, this was probably the biggest of all my mistakes. I am sorry so endlessly, Tina. No, there is no excuse for it and, nevertheless, I would want that you know that I have recognized all that. Oh, I demonstrate nothing to myself, I know, I stand at the beginning of the examination, the knowledge and, nevertheless, it was / it is important to me to say to you that, finally, it has started. Bette Porter starts to understand, the whole truth without makeup. Yes, it hurts damn, but it is good in such a way, well for us, well for me.

Even if it is maybe hard for you to believe this, I love you, love you so much. After all years I love you today maybe more, than one day before. For you this may sound like a travesty and, nevertheless, believe me please Tina, my heart is very full of love, of respect, from respect, from reverence for you. I know, these words will not maybe be for you any more, than just only words. I know, I have said so a lot during all years and have differently acted so often. The fact that one was the value that I understood to estimate your value only when I had done this dreadful mistake when I and had betrayed disrespectfully of our feelings and more still of our hearts towards, with it I must live. No, I know, there would be nothing to say what could even serve in the least as an excuse.

I love you, you are my life, by you I am perfect. I know, it is only one dream, and still, believes me if there was a way to become old with you, all the same which, I am ready to go him. I do not say that it was easy or easily. On the contrary, I believe even that it becomes difficult damned and, nevertheless, I ready everything to do what is necessary.

I’m sorry, Tina, I’m so sorry!

   I miss you!

 In Love Bette

After I have read the letter over and over again and again and have changed, I think that he is so okay now. Tomorrow I will send off him, completely certainly. So I do an envelope ready with the address to you. Yes, so it is good. I lay the letter in the middle on the desk, yes, I will read him tomorrow morning and then send off, the envelope right next to it and a stamp on it.

I have not felt so good long. Finally, finally, I have done it, finally, I have defeated Bette Porter and have given you what you had earned already so long … since the truth!