There were very few moments in Bette’s life where she ran solely on emotion. The only times where reason and rationality took a backseat was when she walked in on her sister having *****, Kit bouncing on that ***** and that man’s hands all over her..squeezing her ***** and thighs and hair. Bette was 14 and she was scarred for a long time afterwards. Kit didn’t know that Bette saw her, they didn’t even live together..Bette was visiting her father. She was so angry at Kit, she was disgusted and angry. At her age everything that had to do with ***** was bad and gross and ugly, bad bad bad. She felt disgust and wanted to kill Kit. The other time was when she found out her mother died, Bette had no words to describe that. And now, for exactly four months she had been running on emotion. And she was tired, she was so tired of it all. She was at the end of her rope. And she was angry, angry at God at whatever for putting her through this. Putting her through this *****, maybe it was just her. Bette knew it was mostly her fault.

 And Paxtons’. God she felt sorry for him, but not sorry either. Bette could forgive him for throwing a book at her, after him finding out. But she could not forgive how blind he was to her. Maybe he did know, maybe he did know how unhappy she was but could not or would not reach her. Bette was angry at everybody, but not anymore, it was too stupid to be on an emotional high all the time. And even if Tina didn’t reject her….they still had hurdles to jump over. Their flaws were huge, mammoth and without serious work and a serious super-serious talk…they would fail. There were no easy route. Either way, both had massive issues to soft through. Or Tina could just reject Bette. They would both move on eventually.

 Bette heard movement, she looked up, her eyes bleary from tears of frustration. That’s what they were, frustration, oh how frustrated she was! She was tired of everything, tired of the games, the drama, the anger, everything. And now her side was out there, she didn’t care if Tina knew she checked out her diary, ***** it…if Tina rejected her at least Bette tried, at least she tried. She saw Tina through the blur, wiped her eyes and looked again. Tina had stood up, standing before Bette. Then as if in slow motion Tins started undoing the buttons on her shirt, one by one. Bette sat there not knowing what to think, she just sat there and watched. The curtians were closed thank god. Tina undid her blouse buttons, slipped out of her blouse, then undid her bra, put that on the chair, then unzipped her pants and slid out of those, bent over and took off her underwear. She stood naked in front of Bette. Bette was struck by how delicate the situation was, how vulnerable, how unequal almost. Tina stood there absolutely naked, her arms by her side looking at Bette. She was looking at Bette with such a look, such a penetrating soul-searching look. Bette didn’t say anything but Tina did.

 ”Here I am Bette, this is my body…you know it, you know every inch of it…if you want this body take it, ***** it, stroke it, lick it, it’s yours….but my mind (and here Tina touched her hair) my mind is mine…it’s what makes me..it’s not meat and bones like my body, if you want to get to know me….if your serious…absolutely ***** serious about starting over, then it’s my mind, me…that you have to start over with….it’s your choice Bette..we can ***** all you want, i crave you too but then we’ll have to disregard this! (Tina pointed to her head again) and not with with my body…..im here Bette….im here for you (a tear slid down T’s cheeks, dropping onto her neck down to her collarbone) but if my body’s your choice, then come…we’ll enjoy each other that way….and we’ll close our hearts, you know how i feel you read my diary, but it’s up to you”

 Bette felt her throat close, her veins close, her mind close. Being confronted like this, in such a way was…..scary. She closed her eyes, opened them, saw Tina standing barenaked in the middle of the room. Offering her self. She took a breath. Bette stood up, she took a few steps towards Tina. Tina seemed to brace herself, as if thinking Bette was going to choose her body, choose to delve in earthly delights while covering their hearts, not willing to hurt that part of her again. But instead leaned over and picked up Tina’s blouse from the floor, took a step further, only inches away from a naked Tina…and wrapped the blouse around T’s shoulders, partly covering her upper torso.

 ”I choose you …all of you…your mind…your body…the bad stuff..the good stuff, all of it……and i’m yours too…if you’ll have me….”

TBC