Bette slowed down as she reached the door. Was there something bothering her, she thought to herself? Where do I start? Could she ever begin to tell Tina what she was feeling? Be able to tell her the guilt was eating her alive? It had been coming to the surface like a boil. It needed to be released. The thoughts traveling around inside her head made for a great tennis match, bouncing back and forth. She wanted it to stop!

“No, everything’s fine Tee.” Bette had mastered the art of covering up her feelings to Tina. “I’ll see you later tonight,” she said. She kissed Tina’s cheek and went out the door.

Tina stood there a second after Bette left. She saw the look in her eyes and knew very well what bothered her, what had always been bothering her. But, Tina could not coddle to Bette’s feelings. Not everything was about Bette. Tina had learned that a bit late in their relationship. She needed to ground herself. To be her own woman, stand on her own two feet. There was more to worry about these days and she was reminded of that, when she heard the whimpering sounds from her daughter.

“Mommy’s coming!” she called out. She then went to rescue her baby girl.

Driving down the 405, Bette decided to take a detour. She called James to tell him she was going to be a little late. All the rushing around made her dizzy and she needed to regroup. About fifteen minutes later she found herself sitting at the beach. This was a new concept for Bette. She hadn’t been to the beach in quite awhile. There was barely any time for anything. With work, the baby and the constant nagging in the back of her head reminding her she had failed Tina. She wanted to understand what had happen. How she was able to let go so easily of all that Tina and her built together. There were no excuses, she had done wrong. The ghost of her father taunted her. I failed the woman I love, like you did my mother, Bette recalled telling him this. Had she become him? No, she hadn’t. There was a difference between them. She was willing to fight for Tina. Martin had never fought for Bette’s mother. I won’t go to my grave knowing I didn’t try, she felt a since of pride form that statement. Was it at all worth it? Being with another woman? Of course not, she thought. Nothing was worth losing the love they had so carefully cradled for eight years. Love is big and needs to be sheltered. She watched people stroll by lovingly. Lovers walking hand in hand, smiling care free. That secure feeling they had in their eyes, Bette longed for again. Taking in a breath she started the car and headed back to the 405. It was time to get back to work. Work was the one place that allowed her to escape, even if it were only for a short time. Keeping busy and staying on top of things is what this Yale graduate had always been good at. As a child she made lists, lists for everything. Wake up at 8am, brush teeth at 8:05 and so on. Now she could still be on top of things and no longer needed the lists. Things at work had never been a trouble spot. Love, relationships, trust, these were important issues you could not earn a degree in. All the teaching in the world could have never prepared her for this lesson.