Chapter 8

Bette saw her reflection in the water, knowing she could do nothing to hide the utter disbelief that settled in her expressive eyes. Tina waited, nervously, for Bette to speak. When no words escaped Bette’s parted lips, Tina felt exposed and decided on potential humor to lighten the mood.

“Don’t tell me you didn’t think of having another teenager so their friends could have schoolgirl crushes on you?” Tina attempted a weak smile.

Bette blinked trying to encourage the thoughts bouncing in her head into a complete sentence.

“Say something,” Tina begged in a low voice feeling a sense of anger beginning to form inside. “Is it that much of a shock?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Because my time is running out Bette,” Tina tried to explain her thoughts as tears glistened in her eyes. “My choices seem to be now or never.”

“So because you’re nearing the age where you can’t, you think you should?” Bette tried to reflect Tina’s logic back to her.

“It’s not just that,” Tina said in anger as she stood up and began to walk away.

“No!”

“What?”

“Do not walk away from this conversation,” Bette said in a stern voice. “When it’s easy to walk away is when you shouldn’t and you taught me that. If you want to have another child the least you can do is talk to me about it.”

“I tried.”

“In fairness you dropped it on me,” Bette said in a calm voice. “I know whatever reaction I’ll have in the next 30 minutes won’t be the best, but it will be honest. Please just talk to me and don’t walk away.”

“Fine,” Tina sat on the lounge chair and motioned for Bette to join her.

“I’m not sure I can stand,” Bette said with a smile on her face to test the waters of Tina’s emotions.

“Porter,” Tina demanded Bette’s attention. “I want another baby, with you, before I can’t have one.”

“I heard you the first time,” Bette countered as she got up and walked over to sit in the chair with Tina. “I already got that far, we need to move onto the discussing part.”

“How do you want to do that then?”

“How?”

“We won’t get anywhere if you just repeat what I say,” Tina smiled. “Although it will be easier to convince you since I’ll just say ‘yes’ and you’ll nod and agree.”

“I’m not that easy,” Bette said. “Not on this.”

“Fine,” Tina began the discussion in a serious tone. “I know it seems like this came out of left field for you. But now that I’m facing not being able to have a child, I realize that it’s now or never Bette. We weren’t together when Angie was the age where we’d normally have discussed this, we were struggling to keep our friendship above water and be the best parents we could be.”

“I know that, but she’s a teenager now and there are a million reasons why we shouldn’t do this.”

“None of those reasons will take away the fact that I want a baby.”

“Your health is the first,” Bette continued ignoring Tina’s softly spoken request. “Maybe it’s not too late in the sense that you can still conceive, but there comes a time where it isn’t safe and shouldn’t be done.”

“I’m in perfect health.”

“The age bracket we’re in,” Bette continued to present her argument. “There’s a higher risk of abnormalities occurring.”

“You wouldn’t love a special needs baby any less!” Tina said with conviction.

“No, but it doesn’t make life any easier. They’ll be faced with life’s challenges every minute of every day, and already be struggling. When we had Angie, I knew that I’d never stop being a parent Tina. To the day I die, she’ll always be my baby and I’ll never stop worrying about her.”

“And that would be different if the child had special needs?”

“No, but a parent never wants to bury a child. Most of the things that can happen when an older woman becomes pregnant, those are life threatening, many special needs children have shorter life expectancies. We’d likely be losing our child before we die. I did that once, to a child I never got to hold or know, and it nearly killed me and certainly played a part in killing us for many years.”

Tina was taken aback by the raw emotion reflecting in Bette’s eyes. She was blinking to hold back a stream of tears threatening to spill over and onto her cheeks.

“Can’t we name a few positives to add to the list?” Tina asked. “All you seem to be focusing on is the negative of ‘what could’ happen, not the wonderful gift we’d be given and the chance to grow our family. Life isn’t full of guarantees Bette, there wasn’t one when we had Angie either.”

“Tina,” Bette said trying to tread carefully due to Tina’s already volatile emotions. “Do you really want to do point, counter-point, with this?”

“Yes because all you’re doing is throwing out all the negative things about taking on a new journey in our lives and nothing about the joy and love we’d be experiencing.”

“Fine,” Bette conceded. “Start with your first point.”

“Fine,” Tina thought a moment to present her strongest points first to sway Bette’s decision by the end of the conversation. “There’ll come a time where we will all be gone and if we don’t have another child, Angie will be without a family.”

“Seriously?” Bette mocked then silently chastised herself as she saw tears form in Tina’s eyes. “First she has the option of starting her own family once she’s old enough and takes that responsibility on for herself. If she chooses not to, she can develop the same family dynamics we have. Technically, the only blood relative that we have is Kit.”

“And if she doesn’t?” Tina challenged. “What if she is somewhat of an introvert?”

“You’ve met our daughter right?” Bette asked.

“I want her to have a sense of family throughout her entire life.”

“That’s her choice whether she takes motherhood on,” Bette pointed out. “If she doesn’t, she’s made that decision and knows what the consequences are. Besides, you’re assuming David won’t have children, who would also be her cousins.”

“David is not going to have kids because he can’t get off his high horse long enough to find a woman that can put up with him.”

Bette arched an eyebrow in Tina’s direction as a warning regarding the commentary on her family.

“Angie and a baby would be 14 years apart Tina,” Bette finally spoke. “I doubt that Angelica would feel close to a baby at this point in her life given the age gap. They’ll never be how Kit and I are.”

“Not true,” Tina countered. “Angie could help and find an immense joy in taking on the big sister role.”

“Kids her age don’t help unless they’re paid,” Bette shot back. “It’s called babysitting and there is an hourly rate associated with it.”

“We can certainly set expectations otherwise for Angelica.”

“She’ll be in college when the baby is a toddler. The age gap will be too great for them to form any kind of a bond even close to resembling what Kit and I have.”

“Bette,” Tina began to wipe tears away that were running down her cheeks. “I miss having a baby. I miss the feeling of having this amazing miracle growing inside of me. I miss seeing each change my body went through with Angelica. Not to mention that you weren’t there for most of it.”

That statement wounded Bette’s heart as she allowed her own tears to fall freely. Tina reached out and grasped her hand to offer her support and understanding.

“It was my fault,” Tina whispered. “I’ve never forgiven myself for that. I’ll never have the chance if we don’t take it now, to make up for that, to share with you all that pregnancy can be because I made poor choices back then.”

“I’d love that, but not at the risk of your health or our baby’s health,” Bette said through tears.

“If I don’t do this now Babe, we won’t have a chance ever again.”

“I thought in 4 short years, when Angie goes to college, we’d be actually getting our life back and some time alone,” Bette said softly. “I love our child, I really do, but she’s an extension of our love. She’s an extension of us, and we’re just getting to a point where we can reclaim us and she can go to college and begin the next phase of her life.”

“She’s so independent that we’ve had a lot of us in the last few years.”

“Not completely,” Bette countered.

“Bette,” Tina approached her argument from a different angle. “I think it says a lot that I’ve never even thought of having another baby because it wasn’t with you. So I obviously see that Angelica is an extension of the love that we share and only us. I know the timing may not seem perfect. But nature isn’t giving me time to wait.”

“Diapers?” Bette cocked her eyebrow to challenge Tina. “Late night feedings, crying, potty training, the list goes on. Does any of this sound fun or easy to you when we’re 14 years older then we were the first time?”

“But this time we’re together,” Tina pointed out. “Last time we weren’t together during those stages and so it was harder on both of us. We’re a team now Babe, we’ll tackle that together.”

“Angie could be old enough, technically, to have a baby! All she needs is her period and she could mother a child. That’s just wrong when you look at it that way.”

“I need a baby,” Tina said quietly.

“I know it’s hard to face that loss of the potential to have one, but Babe, I can’t see where having a baby, in this stage of our lives, would be a good idea.”

Angelica stood in the doorway, her mouth gaping open, as she listened to her mothers debate the potentiality of a new addition to their family. Her mind began to race at the ramifications on her if her parents decided on having another child in the near future.

“It will never be easy,” Tina continued. “But isn’t that the point? Things that come easy don’t tend to mean as much, you take them for granted. It wasn’t easy when we had Angie, but we managed and she is one of two blessings I thank God for everyday.”

“Why do I feel a baby would divide and conquer us?” Bette muttered feeling a tad nauseous at the thought of another child at her age.

Angelica remained rooted to the spot in the doorway where she had been standing. She was experiencing a growing concern and panic given the conversation she was eavesdropping on. Her hand flew to her mouth to stifle her words, given she knew she shouldn’t be listening in on.

“Because you’re cynical at best about the thought of it,” Tina simply said.

Bette had no response, but Tina could visibly tell she was contemplating her arguments and worked harder to add a few more to solidify her case.

“Think of how much fun we’d have when I’d be put on bed rest,” Tina began to smile but noted quickly a concerned look crossed her face. “I was kidding Bette.”

“No you aren’t, they do that to women that are older and become pregnant. That is a needed precaution which proved my point, we shouldn’t be tempting fate.”

“I don’t want to go through menopause and close that chapter yet,” Tina began to feel herself losing control over her sadness. “I want to have another baby before it’s too late and we miss that one chance we have to share in this incredible journey together.”

“I can think of other ways that are less permanent to affirm your womanhood as you pass through menopause,” Bette countered. “The financial burden alone…”

“This isn’t about money!”

“No,” Bette continued her thought. “But it is an undertaking and should be part of the equation.”

“There’s never a good time financially to have a child,” Tina argued. “I want to celebrate life to the fullest extent. A child, that’s the greatest celebration, the greatest gift, and this is the last chance we’ll have to have another child.”

Angie crouched down when Tina stood up and began to pace in front of Bette.

“All those moments that we cherished with Angie,” Tina began to talk while she paced quickly. “We can have those again with another child.”

“And we have the rest of Angie’s life to experience all the other firsts she’s going to have,” Bette reasoned. “Her first date, her first dance, graduation, college, her wedding, and she will hopefully want to have a family and that takes care of her not being alone when we die.”

“We don’t know that she’ll want those things,” Tina reasoned.

“We don’t know she won’t,” Bette shot back. “I can’t agree that this is a good idea.”

Angelica smiled at Bette’s logical and reasonable arguments that began to disintegrate Tina’s theories and dangerous dreams. Angelica was certain of her stance on the subject, she did not want a baby introduced into their family at any cost.

“Sometimes I don’t want you to agree,” Tina said as tears poured down her cheeks taking Angelica, as well as Bette, by surprise. “Sometimes I just want your support even if you don’t think it’s something you want to agree with.”

Tina walked off leaving a stunned Bette sitting in the lounger alone.

“This isn’t a decorating decision,” Bette muttered to herself. “This is about something we can’t undo once it’s done.”

Angelica was happy Tina opted to enter the house through the door leading to their bedroom. The final slam ringing through the night confirmed for Angelica that the conversation was far from over, just over for the night. She snuck back in her room and promptly booted her laptop to see if Cathy was available on her instant message program.

Angelica tapped her fingers on the keys cursing the slow response time of her computer when a phone ringing broke her concentration. She quickly picked her cell phone up to ensure it wasn’t hers, thankful it wasn’t given the time of night.

“Hello?” Bette picked up her phone exasperated with the argument that just took place.

“How much do you love me?” Alice asked.

“Why?”

“I have completed my points system to help you in record time,” Alice said with pride oozing from her voice. “It’s fool proof and we can assess this Megan thing in no time so you know what you’re up against.”

“Great,” Bette answered sarcastically.

“Bette I would expect a little more enthusiasm.”

“I just can’t muster it right now Alice,” Bette confessed.

“Who pissed in your Wheaties?”

“Nobody,” Bette mumbled. “It’s been a long day.”

“Well get your rest because I am training you on this tomorrow morning at The Planet.”

“Whatever Al,” Bette closed her phone and sat on the lounge chair dismayed at how poorly the conversation went with Tina moments ago. She leaned back in the lounger and looked up at the dark sky, contemplating her next discussion point once she mustered the energy to approach Tina.

Much to Angelica’s dismay, Cathy wasn’t on her instant message program. Angelica wasted no time sending her a text message to ask her to log in so they could talk. In her dramatic nature, Angelica rolled her eyes and exhaled loudly when Cathy’s response came that her mother was using her laptop and she couldn’t log in. She quickly sent her response asking Cathy to call as she silenced her cell phone.

Bette got up and walked to the door leading to their bedroom. She stood there momentarily watching Tina with her head buried in the pillow on Bette’s side of the bed. When she hadn’t moved since Bette stood there, she stepped inside quietly to hear Tina’s soft breathing. Upon further investigation, Bette confirmed Tina had fallen asleep.

Bette pulled a blanket from the bottom of their bed and placed it over Tina as she was lying on top of the covers. Bette sat down on the edge of the bed and watched Tina sleep, seemingly without the weight of life’s decisions weighing over her.

She brushed a stray hair out of Tina’s face causing her to stir slightly. She withdrew her hand, holding it above Tina, afraid to move it further for fear of waking her up. Bette wanted to avoid a second round of arguments at all entire costs for the rest of the night.

Once Tina had settled back down, Bette stood up and quietly walked out of the room and into the kitchen for a drink. She quickly poured herself a glass of expensive scotch and replayed the conversation in her mind as she leaned against the counter.

“Another baby,” Bette whispered as she shook her head.

She walked back outside to the side of the pool and dangled her feet in the water.

“Cathy this is awful!” Angelica whispered into the phone. “My Mom wants another baby.”

“Oh that’s not right,” Cathy agreed. “Did she tell you that?”

“No I overheard when I was going to ask if I could stay the night at Tracy’s tomorrow.”

“Yeah about that,” Cathy sighed. “I don’t like her.”

“How can you not like her?” Angelica was shocked at Cathy’s admission. “She’s so cool.”

“If smoking, drinking, and sleeping around is cool, then yes I suppose she is.”

“Nobody said I was going to do those things,” Angelica rolled her eyes.

“I’m not going to the party and neither is Renee,” Cathy informed her.

“Don’t be so lame,” Angelica shot back. “It’s one party.”

“One that you know you shouldn’t be going to if you didn’t ask your moms that question,” Cathy said. “You didn’t ask them to stay over after a party where your boyfriend that they don’t know about will be.”

“Technicality,” Angelica blew off Cathy’s statement.

“I wouldn’t mess around Angie,” Cathy warned. “I gotta go but I’ll talk to you tomorrow in school about it more.”

“Later,” Angie hung up her phone and lay down on her bed contemplating Cathy’s warning.

Outside, looking strikingly similar to Angelica, was Bette laying down looking at the up at the night sky. She wiped away a stream of tears that had cascaded from her eyes and down her cheek.

“I’d give you the world Tina, but every fiber of my being tells me this is not a good idea.”

Bette took a sip of her scotch and felt the liquid burning in her throat, down into her chest, and settling in her stomach offering little aide in the quest of clearing her head and developing a new strategy to the discussion surrounding another child.

“God I missed out on most of the pregnancy with Angelica,” Bette whispered to herself. “I was so caught up in my own life I didn’t even notice Tina was growing bigger each time I saw her.”

Bette allowed a small smile to grace her face as she recalled the conversation Tina had once had with Alice while Bette and Tina were still broken up.

“Eating her pain,” Bette snorted as she took another sip of the amber liquid, which now was clouding her head. “I was smoking and drinking myself to death and Tina was eating her pain.”

Bette took another sip while she allowed a small chuckle to escape her lips.

“I’m crazy,” Bette muttered. “I’m sitting here talking to myself in the dark.”

Bette finished off the last of her scotch as she stared at the stars. She placed the glass down on the cement beside the lounge chair as she settled into the chair and closed her eyes momentarily.

“Would I be ready for diapers?” Bette mumbled as she felt exhaustion set in from her taxing day.