Look at her, damn she is breathtaking, even in sleep, maybe more so in slumber. I cant believe I was such an idiot. Since when do I act like that? I cant remember a time when I was such a *****, so needy. Even with Gabby, I wasnt so, well, desperate. Thats the word. I was desperate. God, when did this happen to me? How did I let this happen to me? Oh yeah, I remember now, I let myself be happy. That was it. And then I actually got used to it. And then Lara showed up again. And then I just let my mind wander. Let my imagination get the best of me. And then I pictured the happiness going away.

Its strange, I spent my entire life not expecting happiness. Well, my entire life since my Dad died. Its not that Im a sad person. Im not. But I am content with being content, you know? Happiness seemed like such a fleeting thing. A fake dream that movies taught us to want. But life didnt really afford that. You need to enjoy the good times when you have then and not expect them to continue. Just live in it it, revel in it. Tomorrow, who knows what that will bring, so just enjoy when its there. It can come so infrequently in this life.

But then Dana happened. And that rocked my freakin world. Totally unexpectedly, but wonderfully, rocked my world. I just, well, at first, I started to notice the little things. I noticed the scent of the rain. I would smile watching the kids play at the park across from the Planet. Sickeningly sweet things like that, not me. Then she and I would stop at the store to grab food for dinner and we would talk about something little, insignificant and we would laugh. Real laughter, not coming from one of my sarcastic quips, but from being giddy in each others company. There was nothing forced about it. It was just natural. I would wake up with her when she got up for practice. And I hate mornings. But to wake up and see that small, child like grin when she would open her eyes for the first time in the morning and see me, almost surprised, like she forgot she was with me. She would grin and roll over mumbling morning beautiful Every morning. Who could hate mornings if that was your morning? Dana, with her morning voice, saying good morning and smiling that amazing smile of hers, and for you. Damn, I have become a total sap. But that was when it changed.

I realized one day, randomly really, that I was happy. We were watching some movie on TV, you know one of the movie and a makeovers on Saturday afternoons. So its normally some cheesy flick from the 80s and well we were laying on the couch and commenting on the wonderful fashions throughout the movie. Laughing remembering just how cool we thought we were with our Frankie says RELAX T-Shirts in some neon yellow (well how cool I thought I was, she didnt have one, but I did) and we were laughing hard. I was scared I was going to wet myself, I was laughing so hard. Well, I looked over at her in my laughing fit, and saw her eyes. There was so much genuine happiness and love in them as she was obviously picturing me in that oversized t-shirt and I just stopped laughing. It was strange, it was just a total stop. She looked over at me with such concern in her eyes, Al, what happened, honey, are you ok?

I just looked at her, dead in the eyes, and said simply, but truthfully, I am fine, Dana. I am better than I ever thought I would be. I reached up and gently grabbed her and pulled her to me.

That was the moment. Right there. It was the first time I could ever remember feeling true happiness. I wasnt just laughing with her, I was laughing from the heart. I was a goner after that. I was actually happy. Im not some cynic, who had lived her life expecting the glass to be half empty, it was just that it was always at least partly empty. And that had been ok. It was what I expected. It was life, reality. Then my perception changed. The glass was not only not half empty, but it over flowed. I was shocked, I was amazed and most of all I was happy. She gave me my life back and I never knew I had been missing it.

I had always been fine on my own. Yeah, I got lonely sometimes, but nothing too bad. I had my friends, I had my relationships that I started knowing full well would end. I was content with it. I was the only one I knew would be there in the morning, so that made it ok. I knew my friends would be there if I asked, that was all I needed, I didnt need to actually ask them. Just the knowledge was ok with me. Then this happiness thing happened and with that came the possibility of loss. And let me tell you, that loss is different than one when you expect it not to last. Its brutal, its overwhelming. For the first time in my life, I needed someone. Dana, being Dana, I never feared that she would hurt me, at least not intentionally. That woman doesnt have malicious bone in her body. She is one of the sweetest, kindest people with one of the most giving hearts. But that almost made it more scary. Because for her to hurt me was so out of character it would devastate me.

I was never one to believe in fairy tale love. I’m much more a realist than that, but with Dana, thats all it could be. Its such an encompassing feeling, it was all or nothing. There was no grey. I wavered for about five whole seconds on that thought, deciding if it was worth the risk. And even though I know life is going to happen, so one day this bliss will end, maybe through no fault of anyones but just life, the risk was worth it. But the knowledge that the impending loss, whether it be a week down the line or fifty years down the line, was worth it, overwhelmed me. I not only offered my heart, but my soul. I was willing to risk it all, feel that pain that tears a hole in your heart that doesnt mend. It heals, but the scar is ugly, deep and forever. But she was worth it.

I was able to live comfortably with this. It was sort of surprising to me. Im not so good at the needing thing, but I realized that I needed her because I loved her. But when I saw her face when Lara walked up to our table, all of sudden, everything came crashing down on me. The insecurities came flooding back, the ones I kept hidden through sarcasm and bad relationships. For the first time through all of this with Dana, I thought that she could leave. Im no sure why I never doubted it before, I guess it was the look in her eyes. They were always so true and open. But now, I just freaked. She had so many feelings for Lara before and my mind just went crazy with the possibilities. I told her to go to dinner, I shouldnt have freaked. Dana would never cheat on me, I know that. But this little voice in my head just wouldnt shut up. It reminded me that Dana had cheated on Tonya with me. It reminded me of that morning at the Planet with Dana and Shane, when Dana came in freaked out after the female ejaculation night and that Lara was the one who could give her that pleasure. That annoying voice reminded me of taking care of Dana on the yacht after she drank herself into oblivion because she had ended her relationship with Lara. It just reminded me of all of my worst fears, not to mention one or two of my own shortcomings. The fact that my own family never chose me over anything. Why would she when she had the chance to rekindle things with the one that got away? So I just freaked. Stupid, I know. All I did was make it worse. I added to the reasons she already has to go back to Lara. But she came home to me. That is what I need to remember.

I have to remember that. I cant allow myself to keep doing this. I will destroy us. It will be entirely my own doing. I have to trust her. Its just so hard. I just want to hold on and not let her out of my sight. But I know I cant. I need to remember she came home to me. She was so good about it. She just looked down at me and told me that she was right here. I have to believe in that. I have to belive in us. In her.

God, when did I become the woman I have always hated? How do I stop? Its like this never ending cycle and it gets stronger. But I need to find a way. I cant do this to her. She doesnt deserve it, *****, I dont deserve it. I need to be strong. Just look at her. The sun is starting to come up and her face, silhouetted in that shadow, is just beautiful. I need to be strong for both of us. I cant let my fears do this to us. I love her. More than I have ever loved before. I dont love her for the extraordinary things she does, but the ordinary things that she does extraordinarily.

My eyes are tired, I dont know why Im fighting off sleep, maybe I just want to keep looking at her. Take in her beauty, memorize it. As I trace my fingers along her cheek, she stirs and burrows into me. It feels so good. It feels so right. I put my head on hers, and allow my eyes to close. Drinking in her scent, I allow myself to sleep. Tomorrow, I will stay strong for us.