Chapter 25: Scout Entropy

In one of my dreams, Bette and I are playing a game. The game is about confessions. You’re supposed to weaken yourself by making a big confession that leaves you vulnerable, open, defenseless. Only Bette, typically, isn’t playing by the rules, so I threaten to leave.

Dream-Alice, that is, threatens to leave-I would never do such a thing.

But it seems to do the trick, because in the dream, Bette starts to open up every time. It’s like a trigger, or a battle between what she hates more-being abandoned or having to give up a part of herself. I find this dream to be extremely lame. And annoying.

In another, more frequent dream, Bette changes her mind. And she comes to visit me at like, three in the morning and tells me that she’s made a mistake. In the dream, I go, “You? A mistake?” And she tells me that she thinks breaking up with me was the biggest mistake she’s ever made and that she promises to do anything if I just promise to take her back.

Because I consider myself to be a very benevolent and caring person, I take her back. “Okay,” I say, “I’ll take you back, if it means that much to you.”

In this dream, I am a much cooler person than I actually am in real life.

But in another dream, I’ve moved on. The problem with this dream is that it doesn’t show me anything about the journey-I’ve just moved on, accepted my friendship with Bette, gotten entirely over her. I’m happy. I mean, I’m not an idiot. I know that one day, I will get over Bette and maybe I will understand our friendship and be happy.

But I just don’t know how to get there yet. And the dreams aren’t helping.

So, yeah. I have dreams. All the time. And they’re about 99% devoted to Bette Porter (that 1% accounts for this really terrible dream I keep having where I’m like, drowning in the Pacific Ocean, but that one doesn’t have anything to with Bette. At least, I don’t think it does).

This is lame. And something I would never tell her, for fear that her overly large ego would get even larger. I mean, that can’t be healthy.