I don’t feel like talking about my past anymore and instead I pull her closer to kiss her lips and feel her there. She’s real, and I’m not dreaming, I’m not underwater gasping for breath and choking on saline, I’m in her arms. My hands fall over her body, which I am quickly learning every dip and divot to, and slide over that scar on her thigh. It’s subtle enough to not be noticed until you’re in a situation like this, but I touch it anyway, because I know Carmen and I know she’ll tell me what happened there. I watch her face wash with a memory, something that makes her sad because her voice pinches and she clears her throat and averts my eyes. She tells me a gut wrenching story about the death of her brother and I instinctively hold her closer. I wish I could make it go away, but I don’t know how to convey it in words. Instead, I just mutter an empathetic, or pathetic “I’m sorry.”

When she talks about her mother and her family I can’t help but feel a little jealous. When she invites me over to her mother’s, in a very roundabout way, I nod my head, expressing that it would be nice to meet them. In reality, I haven’t been in a family setting for a while, and it would be refreshing to relive one for a few hours. Sure, I have my friends who keep me sane, take care of me, but, I don’t have that familial bond that each one of them posses in some small way. Im dazing again, because shes back to staring at me, checking me for brain function. I wonder what people think when I get like this, get so quiet. They probably think I dont know what to say, but I really do, I justdont know how to say it.

Watching Carmen watch me is like extremely tasteful porn. Her eyes are fire and her lips are moist from her tongue coming out to wet them. I watch this with earnest and let my mind skate back to hours before, when that tongue was all over me. I was seeing spots and gripping the bed sheets. It was sexy. She reaches out to touch me and takes me back to reality, just a gentle stroke against my shoulder and my insides are humming again, and I want more of her. I tried to tell myself I didn’t need her for so long that the need and want when I finally had her was almost unbearable. I roll her onto her back and straddle her hips. My fingers trace over the perfection in her face and over her chin and down her neck. I have so many words I want to say, but only a brief “You’re so beautiful” makes its way out. I think this is adequate though, because Carmen responds with words that make me want to fuck her all over again, for hours upon end.