PREVIOUSLY

Sorry, Sil…I don’t want to hurt you. You’re very important to me, very important…but I can’t deny her…”

The hurt was inside his eyes, but his voice told me something else.

“Ok, Tina… Ok…I will call our lawyers and we will get the things done. But…just please… don’t ever …ever diminished my feelings.

“I couldn’t, Sil…That’s why I am here, being complete sincere and running the risk of lost someone very important to my life.”

 But it was not easy like it could seem. But it wasn’t, also, that hard…

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I wasn’t ready for her invitation that night. Don’t ask me why… I just felt my heart tightened inside.

“Do you want to go to my place?” She told me in a hurry, just to explain naively seconds later: “What I need to tell you… What I want to say needs a quiet place…”

“Private is something I would love to have with you, darling.” I never could control my mouth around Bette and it seemed it only got worse after these years without her.

 Bette laughed lightly. I parked the car and we entered at this beautiful old building.

“Now , it will demand from you thighs…Last floor.”

“You will see that I am an athlete, Bette…” I told her with a false security. The more we’ve got closer from her apartment, the more I sensed my heart beating fast. She opened the door and I was inside her world. For the first time.

I’ve already had been inside this woman, more than once, but less than I wanted to, but I’ve never had been inside her home.

I learned later in my life that that people shouldn’t penetrate at the life, in a house, or in a body without care and attention. Sex is sex. Love is love. Sex with love is overwhelming. Sex without love is great. Ok. I got that. But people are too careless nowadays.

I began to thought that “home” was too personal. It’s about open intimate spaces. The house is where you stay, not pass by. It’s where you can be; it’s where you deposit yourself.

I see this way, let me try to explain: when you found someone, at first you want to get closer, to feel, to touch the skin, searching the smile; reaching for some intimacy. It can happen at the movies, at some bar or pub, a coffee house, at the restaurant, at the disco, when both decided to walk along the beach. Sex can happen, at least for me, at some hotel room, at a car or at a friend’s apartment. This is external. Home is internal. Is sacred. To me, these days, home is a place for permanence and this demands a delicate implicitly. No. It wasn’t this way before Bette. It became after her. I couldn’t find a home after her. It took Silvian four months to sleep over my house.