Every night, I feel like I’m sinking deeper into an endless hole. It’s getting harder and harder to climb out of it again and I don’t even know if I want to. I don’t know if I want to face the real world and get over this, because it would mean I was left with nothing. These feelings I have for you are the only things that tell me I’m still alive. Do I want to be alive? I don’t know.

Sometimes, I look at you and I long to hold you – only that – so much that it physically hurts. I see you walking and I want you to be walking to me. I see you and you seem to have no idea how utterly desirable you are. It only adds to your beauty. It only adds to my incredible longing.

I can’t even go on writing this now. I have nothing of you. I don’t even have a picture to stare at and lose myself in, kill myself over. Sometimes I wonder what my life is worth. Daddy doesn’t notice me, doesn’t know anything about me. I’ve been such a burden to Shane. You wouldn’t notice if I were gone. You wouldn’t care. You’d just see it in the papers and say ‘Hey, that girl went to my school’ and you’d think about it for a day, maybe two, and then you’d forget and move on, meet a nice man and make babies and age beautifully. And in the end, after many years of happiness, you’d join me in the beyond that hopefully does not exist. It would mean one never gets rid of their lives, how sadistic is that.

Maybe I should just end it all.

Tina was speechless, covering her open mouth with her hand. The sobbing came from the deepest of her soul. She picked another letter, hoping that one would be better. That Bette had considered to kill herself over her… the next one was dated later in that school year – they were already speaking.

Ms Kennard

We spoke again today. I told you everything there was to tell, except that I love you endlessly and would give up everything in one second if it meant I could be with you. You told me some things as well and I’m so happy you feel you can trust me. You’re my everything, my world, my heart’s desire. You make me believe in fairytales again.