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    Changing Places:Chapter 4

    The words hit Tina like a tidal wave. Bette had tried to kill herself. How did she not know this? When did it happen? My god.was she to blame? She had a million questions.
    Bette stood there watching a wave of emotion wash across Tinas face. For the first time since Tina had arrived Bette saw softness in her eyes. Gone was the cold hard stare.
    Tina, are you alright asked Bette?
    Tina: No, I guess not. This is a lot to take in at once. I have so many questions. Can you talk about it? Tell me what happened?
    Bette: Yes I can talk about it. Are you sure? I thought you needed to get back.
    Tina: Womans prerogative. Let me call the office and tell them Im taking the rest of the day off. Can you get me that drink and cold compress?
    Tina had finished the call by the time Bette came back. Bette handed her the drink and told her to come outside so they could sit on the patio furniture. Once Tina was settled she told her to close her eyes and she placed the cold compress over Tinas eyes. Being this close to Tina triggered physical desire in Bette that she had not anticipated. Still, after all this time Tina made Bettes knees weak and her heart beat fast. She did not know that Tina was feeling and thinking the same thing.
    Bette: Im not sure where to start.
    Tina: Tell me why no one from the group knows about this. Or am I the only one?
    Bette: No one knows but Kit. I swore her to secrecy. Kit was the one that found me. I didnt want anyones pity. Especially yours. I didnt want you to come back to me because of the suicide attempt. I was my usual stubborn, ***** self. Nothing new there.
    Tina: So Kit took care of you afterwards?
    Bette: Kit has been there for me throughout the last 15 months. After she found me she immediately called an ambulance. I stayed in the hospital in the psychiatric ward for 3 days, under a suicide watch. Kit and the doctors convinced me that I needed daily sessions to get me back on my feet so I voluntarily committed myself to sanitarium. Once there I had twice daily sessions. I continue today with once a week sessions with a doctor that is nearby. I understand now why I cheated on you, why I broke down and tried to kill myself, and what changes I needed to make in my life. I hope you will let me explain everything to you, not just why I tried to commit suicide. Everything is really interrelated.
    Tina: I know what I said earlier. I came on really strong and Im sorry. Ive just built this wall around everything that has to do with you Bette and our life together. A wall that I believe has gotten me through the last 15 months. Ive sealed off the pain but in doing so Im not feeling and living life to the fullest. Ive been in denial for far too long. Youre right. I need to face this and deal with it so I can really move on with my life. So lets start here and now, you and me. I wont hold back anything and neither should you.
    Bette: It sounds like its going to be a long night. How about I cook us dinner?
    Tina: Youve got to be kidding me. If you can cook then you are not Bette Porter. You are a pod person who has relaced her.
    Bette smiled. She had missed the playfulness that Tina brought to her life.
    Bette: Necessity is the mother of invention. I had to learn how to cook or starve. I dont have the money to order in like I use to. I promise I wont burn anything. Let me get dinner started. If you are feeling up to it you can come in and help.
    Tina: I wouldnt miss seeing this for all the world.
    They walked into the kitchen. The strain and awkwardness that had been there early was gone. For the first time all day Bette felt hopeful. Maybe this could be a new beginning. Tina felt the tension melting away. She felt so comfortable with Bette. Could they move past their past and find a future together? After what she had seen and learned today she knew that anything was possible.
    Bette: How about we tell each other a little bit about our current lives now and save the heavy stuff for after dinner?
    Tina: Sounds like a plan. You first.
    Bette: Okay. Well, you already know that I spend almost all of my time painting. It is such a release. I really pour my heart and soul into those paintings. It has been very healing. I had always dabbled in painting prior to college graduation but decided I was not good enough to be successful so I just kind of stopped. The stopping was really the first step in losing myself but Ill come back to that later. I have a small circle of friends, mostly artists that I hang out with on weekends and at the crafts shows. Kit comes to visit about once a month. Thats about it. Pretty boring, but Ive found an inner peace that I thought I never would. Thats what its all about Tina. Being able to love and forgive yourself is the first step. So, now its your turn.
    Tina hesitated a moment. She was lost in thought. She could not believe how much Bette had changed. The hard charging, type A, control freak was gone. In her place stood a woman that was still self assured but she could see a calmness and sincerity that had never been there before. She was really in awe of her.
    Tina: Well, my life is anything but calm and serene. Now that I think about in many ways Ive taken on your old traits. Type A, success at work no matter what the cost. All my time and energy is poured into work. What free time I have I spend with the old gang. Bette, is there anyone special in your life?
    Bette: No, there hasnt been anyone since you, our last night. Thats the one thing I havent succeeded in getting past. Anyone I meet doesnt measure up to you, so why bother. And you?
    Bette saw the pain move back into Tinas eyes. She knew what Tina was about to tell her was going to hurt but she was ready for it. She had never asked Kit and Kit never brought it up. The moment of truth was here.
    Tina: No holding back right? It seems Ive gone the opposite route. Just call me Shane in training. A different girl each night. No strings, no relationship, no way to get hurt. Ive got quite the hub going on Alices chart. Same reason as youno one could ever compare.and I never want to hurt like that again.
    Bette had turned her back to Tina to prepare the salad. When she turned around Tina could see one lone tear moving down her face, and hurt in her eyes.
    Bette: Im sorry Tina. I know that I am to blame for all of this. The pain you continue to feel. Your inability to feel and love. God, as much as I have forgiven myself, seeing you again, seeing how much you are still broken. It hurts so damn much. I am sorry.
    Tina wiped away Bettes tear with her thumb. That one simple touch sent a jolt of electricity between them. They looked into each other eyes for what seemed an eternity. Tina broke eye contact and said: Its alright Bette. I think I am finally ready to let go of the anger and hate and forgive you.but I still need to understand. Lets eat and get into the hard stuff.

    Comments

    1. Thank heavens you’re still writing. I’ve been waiting for a new chapter from you for too long. I absolutely and unequivocally love your perspective; it pains me to even read Bette in this light, yet I cannot stop. My only request is to make the subsequent chapters longer; they’re too brief, especially if we have to wait days before the next update. We’re extricated from their world as quickly as you draw us in, leaving us longing for more.

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