Tina finished the last piece of fish on her plate. She could not believe that Bette had cooked such a delicious meal. Today had been full of revelations, and cooking Bette had just been the latest.
Tina, with a huge smile on her face: Bette, if I hadnt seen it with my own eyes I would not believe you had prepared this meal. Not only didnt you burn anything, it was really terrific. You can cook for me anytime.
Bette arched an eyebrow: Really, now. What exactly did you have in mind Kennard?
Tina blushed and said playfully: Settle down now. I meant food.nothing else.
Bette and Tina both laughed. They were having a good time together. Something that Bette had taken for granted in the past. She no longer did so.
Bette: Well, I hate to break up the fun but it is getting late and we a lot to talk about. Do you want to get started?
Tina: Yep
Bette: Let me start with how I was feeling the night I tried to commit suicide. Then Ill go into what I found out during therapy. It had been a month since the night you found out I had cheated. You had been steadfast in your refusal to see me. I was lost without you. I had stopped going into work. I just sat in the house barely eating, spending my time thinking about our life together. How I had trashed everything. I just couldnt figure out what drove me to do it. How could I take our love, and trust, and throw it all away. I was out of control and you know how much I need to be in control. I couldnt see my way out of the situation. I didnt want a life without you and yet it seemed like you would never talk to me let alone forgive me and come back. Bette paused a second and took a deep breath. This next part is really hard to say but I thought that by killing myself it was the only way I could take back control. Sick right? So I did itwent into the bathroom, got into the tub and slit my wrists. What a ***** mess. Kit got to me just in time. She had stopped by with some pasta for dinner. Kit finally grew up that night. She took charge, and stayed strong for the both of us. She hasnt had a drop of alcohol to drink since then. I guess there is a silver lining to the story.
Tina: It was a really dark time for me too. But I had no idea that you had unraveled so completely. You were always so strong. Based on the issues we were having in our relationship that past year I just assumed that you knew exactly what you were doing when you had the affair. That you had made a choice to move on.
Bette: No, it was never that easy. It took me months of therapy to figure everything out.
Bette: Okay, round two. What I learned in therapy. Sounds like the beginning of a mini series huh?
Tina smiled, amazed at how Bette was opening up and sharing her emotions. She really had changed.
Bette: Look I could spend days talking to you about what drives Bette but I am really exhausted. Could I give you the readers digest version and ask you to read all the letters I sent you?
Tina: You saved them?
Bette: Yes, and Ive got to be honest with you. Every time one came back I would get so pissed off. Id start to hate you for not being able to forgive me. Then I would realize that it was my entire fault anyway and just put the newest letter in the shoebox with all the others.
Bette: So here is what I learned in therapy. Number 1:I have lived my whole life trying to please my father. No surprise there. But I never realized that in doing so I lost myself. It started with giving up on my painting. My father convinced me I could never be successful. But what is success? I never thought about what I wanted, what would make me happy. So in essence my life and career was built upon someone elses idea of success. Number 2: My father cheated on every woman he ever loved. It was the norm. He cheated on Kits mother, and mine. Not exactly the ideal role model. He always managed to destroy his own happiness and the apple does not fall far from the tree. Number 3: Control. I controlled everything I could because I had given up control of my life in many ways to my father. Number 4: I thought if I showed my emotions I would appear weak and out of control. How wrong I was. If you dont share your emotions and thoughts how do you keep a relationship going? Our last year together I did everything wrong. I neglected you and put my career first. I failed to share my feelings with you over the loss of our baby. I stopped communicating and pushed you away. I knew you were reaching out to me and I couldnt meet you half way.doing so would mean I wasnt strong enough to protect you.I wouldnt be in control. Yet the need to be in control was a burden I couldnt bare.
Tina: You werent alone that last year. I was not an innocent bystander. I pulled away from you after I lost the baby, even though I knew you needed me as much as I needed you.
Bette: That may be true, but you didnt look elsewhere when the going got tough. I did. This is really going to seem lame but Candace was all about me giving up control. To someone who didnt matter. To someone that had no expectations of who Bette was. Thats it.
Tina sat quietly, watching Bette. She wasnt sure what to say. She needed time to think.
Tina: I dont know what to say. I need time to take all this in, time to think. I better get going.
Bette: Its late, its a long drive back. I dont want to have to worry about you. Stay. You can have my bed. Ill sleep down here.
Tina: There is nowhere to sleep down here.
Bette: Ive got an aero bed I can blow up. Dont worry about me. Im beat. Please dont argue with me.
Tina: You know its only 10 oclock. Why are you so tired? Are you feeling alright?
Bette: Im fine. All this talk, sharing my feelings. Im not use to it. Its draining. Okay?
Tina: Alright. Can I have those letters? I think I will start reading them tonight.
Bette: Sure let me go get them.
Bette retrieved the letters from the other side of the room.
Bette: There is one more thing. I sometimes have bad dreams and scream out in the middle of the night. I usually wake myself up eventually.sometimes Im okay and sometimes I have an anxiety attack. Just let me go through it on my own. Its something Im working on getting past with my shrink. Unless of course the screaming is too much for you. Then you can wake me up.
Tina: Bette, Im so proud of you. You really have gotten your life back on track. It seems like youve conquered almost all of your demons. Congratulations baby.
Bette: It means so much to me that you can see that Ive changed. I wont lie. I didnt do it just for me. I did it for us too. I still think we could be great together. Different than before.better. But I dont want to push. Goodnight T.
Tina: Goodnight.
Early morning
Tina had just finished reading the last letter. Her head was spinning. She had so much to think about. Now more than ever. She was about to close her eyes when she had the first moan, then a scream. It was Bette. She looked down and saw Bette thrashing in her sleep. The screaming got worse. She ran down to wake Bette up. She started to shake her gently.
Tina: Bette, Bette, wake up.
It took her a few minutes to break through the dream and wake Bette up. Bette finally opened her eyes and saw Tina.
Tina: Bette, you were having that dream. I thought it best to wake you. All that screaming and rolling aroundit cant be good for the baby.