Josh was surprised by the force with which Tina pushed him off of her. He landed on the floor next to sofa with an astonished look on his face.

“Josh, are you really that clueless? You have no idea who I am or how I feel.”

Josh responded cockily and starts to climb back up on top of her prone body.

“I know that you didn’t feel like a lesbian just now.”

His comment set Tina off and she pushed him off of her again with even more force. She sat up and pushed her hair out of her face then adjusted her bra to cover herself. Her anger and frustration is evident but it’s obvious that it’s not all directed at Josh. He only put a voice to her own uncertainties which caused her volatile reaction. She yelled at him.

“This was so easy for you. I was so ready to jump into bed with you. Now it turns out that you’re an ignorant ass. God why couldn’t you just shut up and fuck me? Why make it impossible for me to do something that I wanted to do.”

“You are one fucked up woman Tina.”

“Yeah well, you’re pretty fucked up yourself.”

“What happens now?”

“Nothing… We still have to work together on this project. I’ll type up the new proposal that we discussed and have it to the finance people tomorrow.”

Josh was incredulous at how quickly Tina’s mood had changed.

“It’s your world Tina. I just work in it.”

“Please just leave.”

Josh straightened his clothes and left the hotel room. Tina cried herself to sleep as she came to the realization that she’d just risked everything for a meaningless sexual fling which she hadn’t even consummated. What’s worse is that it was all for nothing because she was no closer to getting her answers about her feelings for men.

***

Bette prepared to leave for the retreat. She would be gone for ten days so she asked Kit to check her mail, and keep an eye on the house since Tina would be moving out. Tina didn’t come home the night before and she wasn’t home by the time Kit came by to take Bette to the airport.

***

Bette was in a meditative state listening and reflecting on the instructions of the Buddhist leader in the hopes of finding her center and inner peace.

“Note whether you are feeling calm or agitated; content or angry; without desire or filled with desire.”

In her mind Bette repeated the mantra she’d learned.

“May I accept that things will not always go as I would have imagined; may I accept that my hard times will certainly pass; may I find a practice that helps me to know; may I find stillness; may I find quiet; may I find the resolve; may I find peace that helps dispel this suffering.”

Since it was a silent retreat most of the time was spent introspectively but Bette was given one opportunity to speak freely. She had a choice of a counseling session with one of the Monks or she could break her vow of silence to leave a phone message to anyone in the outside world. The message was recorded but it was mimetic in that the call would never reach the intended. It was just another step in the healing process. Bette recorded the following message as every emotion she’d kept bottled up for the past several months came to the surface and bubbled over. She cried out her anger, anguish, frustration, fears, wants and desires.

Hey Baby.

I just wanted to call you to tell you that I love you and I miss you.
I just can’t stand this anymore.
I’m supposed to be on this silent retreat but everything just seems so loud.
My loneliness is just so loud, and I can’t stand it.
I just want to come home.
I want my art
I want my books
I want my house
I just want to be able to kiss you goodnight.
I just … I just … I just want my life back.
I want … I want … I want…