Carmen opened her eyes and stared at the white ceiling. She didn’t remember much, except Shane bringing her to oblivion again and again with smooth expertise, with her fingers and mouth. Only when Carmen was spent did Shane allow herself to come. Carmen had wanted to look at Shane sleeping, but she was so exhausted, cocooned in Shane’s arms that she had slept. She looked at the clock and the green numbers blinked back at her. 3am. She had to go. She didn’t want to outstay her welcome. She reached out for Shane in her groggy state and she realised she was not there. She bolted up and saw Shane, lounging on the seat, with a few empty bottles of beer lying haphazardly on the floor. There was a faraway gaze in her eyes and she stretched her lithe lean body, languorously like a cat. Carmen couldn’t take her eyes away. “I’ve gotta go…” Carmen said. The awkward silence stretched between them and Carmen bent down to pick up her clothes strewn across the floor. She felt a shadow falling upon her and found herself gazing into Shane’s eyes as she picked up her shirt for her.

Ask me to stay, ask me to stay…She wanted Shane to say it so much that she felt her heart was hurting. She knew the consequences, she had already seen it before it happened. If she wanted to cry, she would go home and bawl her eyes out, but not here. She didn’t want to be like all the others who cried and tried to cling onto Shane. Even if her heart was broken, her pride would be intact. Carmen reached out for the shirt and she looked up bewildered when Shane did not let go of it. Before she knew it, Shane pulled her into her arms and Shane’s head was buried in the crook of her shoulder. There was the overpowering smell of beer and tabacco and Shane was probably half-drunk but Carmen knew this was Shane’s way of asking her to stay. Perhaps she didn’t want to be alone facing the demons from her past. Carmen did not want to wonder about the reasons. She was simply contented to let Shane lie in her arms and run her hands down her back, soothing and caressing, trying to remember every curve and line of her body.

When her breathing was even, Carmen looked down at Shane. She looked like a little boy with her tousled hair falling over her forehead. Carmen tenderly brushed a lock away from her forehead and Shane started to stir. She didn’t open her eyes, instead she mumbled, “You smell like lilies…..my mum….she smelled like lilies too…..when she was holding me…lilies and caramel…” There was a childlike smile on Shane’s lips and Carmen could feel tears stinging her eyes.

When the first light of dawn cracked, Carmen untangled herself from Shane’s limbs. She didn’t want to spoil it, she knew that it would only be awkward and she didn’t want to hear the same lines from Shane that she used to dismiss everyone. She put on her clothes quietly and placed a kiss on Shane’s forehead. When Carmen walked out of Shane’s house, she had this ominous feeling that this probably meant she was walking out of her life too. She allowed herself a brief moment of sentimentality and gazed upwards at Shane’s window.

Goodbye…just think of me….sometimes…And when Carmen walked down the street, she didn’t look back.