Previously

On the dance floor, Alice and Dana were heating things up. They were grinding on each other, still not breaking their eye contact. That made it even hotter. Alice was losing her will power. She wanted Dana. She could feel the heat building. The need. Dana knew that look in Alices eyes. She suddenly stopped dancing. Just stopped moving. She was having her own internal battle. In those few seconds, fear and desire were taking hold and she didnt know which was stronger. She didnt get much of a chance to decide, when Alice, noticing the fear on Danas face take hold, left the dance floor. Dana stood there, dumbfounded. That poor deer was still standing right in the middle of the road, headlights glaring. If it didnt get out of the way, the mac truck was going to run it down.

~~~~~~

Alice ran to the bathroom, trying to catch her breath. She leaned over the sink, staring at the mirror, cursing herself. She knew better. She had seen Dana like this before. Its happened many times before, but only once, when it was nearly as bad as this. It was the first time. That was right after Tina told everyone that she was leaving for NY. It was an ugly few days. Tumultuous, painful, heart wrenching and scary. Dana couldnt be in the same room as Alice. Alice sat remembering the day in her apartment when she finally got Dana to believe in her, in them.

~~~~~~~

It had been almost three months since that night that changed everyones life. The gang looked like it been through a war. The five of them had been all together only once, at an awards dinner for Dana. That was a tense night. But they all put on their best faces for Dana. Shane was in a self loathing place, drinking and drugging too much. Bette was in a world of pain. She couldnt bear to be in the house without Tina so she just worked, sometimes 18 hours a day. When she wasnt working, she was drinking. Tina wasnt much better. She was still living in Alices place and working at the center, but didnt leave the house for anything else. Alice and Dana were the closest to normal. They were in the beginning of a new relationship, trying to bridge the gap from friends to lovers.

Tina had invited them all to the Planet for lunch, even Bette. Alice and Dana were running late as usual, the joint shower wasnt exactly the time saver they thought it could be.

Alice, slow down. Youre gonna get us killed. Dana yelled as she held on to the oh ***** handle. She had never quite understood why there were handles on the top of the passenger doors, until she started to drive with Alice.

Relax, Dana. Sheesh. You really have no sense of adventure. I dont want to be too late. You know that Bette and Tina had dinner last night and now were all going to Planet together. This has to be a good thing, right?

I dont know Al. But if we get killed before we get there, we wont find out. So slow down!!!

Yeah yeah, dont worry. Were around the block. Well be there in a sec.

By the time they got there, the rest of the group was gathered around their regular table. Shane was trying to lighten the obviously heavy mood by telling Bette and Tina about her adventures the previous night.

Hey guys! Sorry were late. Did we miss anything? Alice asked, sitting down at the table.

Hey, no. We all just got here a few minutes ago.

Kit came over to the table to take everyones order. After they all ordered their food, Alice couldnt contain herself any more, So, are you going to tell us why we are all here? I mean, its great. Its been too long since we were all together, but come on. Youre killing us here.

Tina smiled at Alice, Im sorry, Alice, but youre going to have to wait till were done with lunch. Until then, lets just enjoy lunch together. It has been too long.

Alice looked over to Bette for a little support. Bette looked back at her blankly and shrugged her shoulders.

Yeah, Alice, come on. This is cool. Just us, you know. Why push it? Shane said putting her arms around Bettes shoulder, Its good to have the family together.

Tina was watching the interaction and caught herself starting to tear up. Dana looked up at Tina and saw that her friend was clearly emotional about something. She put her hand onto Tinas, Thanks for the invite, even if theres no reason behind it. This is good.

They ate their lunch together. Talking, laughing, and gossiping all the while careful not to hit on subjects that could bring up bad memories. It was just good to all laugh together again. As their coffees were dwindling, Tina knew she had to start now before she lost her nerve. When Kit came over to clear some of the dishes, Tina reached up and grabbed her hand, Kit, can you join us a sec? I have something Id like to tell everyone. I want you here to.

Sure Honey. Of course. Whats going on?

Tina clenched her jaw tight and took a deep breath before speaking. Bette saw this and knew what that mannerism meant, this wasnt going to be good.

Well, Im not really sure where to start. You all know that I have been at the Center for a while now. And well, we got a huge grant for joint venture with a NY agency. Its a great project. Ive been asked to lead to the project. Im going to do it.

Thats so great Tina! Im so proud of you! Bette exclaimed. Dana and Kit jumped in with the congratulations. Alice ran over to Tina and hugged her. Shane didnt say a word, just kept looking at Tina.

Arent you going to congratulate her, Shane? Bette asked.

Not yet. Shes not done telling us what she wanted us here for. Are you, T? Shane replied, with an obvious bitterness.

Uh, no, Im not done yet Shane.

Well, go ahead. Spit it out. Shanes voice was getting angry now.

Dana wanting this afternoon to stay positive asked, Shane, this is good news, come on. Why are you getting all upset?

Im not upset. Im just waiting for the rest. Come on Tina, tell us the rest.

Tina looked down at the table, unable to meet anyones glance, Well, like I said, the project is a joint venture with an agency in NYC. And, well, the first 3-6 months of the project are based in Manhattan. I leave tonight on the red eye.

Tine looked around the table at her friends, at her family. They all looked devastated, all but Shane. She looked angry.

Youre what? Youre leaving? But we had such a great dinner last night. I thought we were making progress, T. You cant leave. Bette pleaded, with tears running down her cheeks.

Tina looked up at Bette and grabbed her hands, Listen Bette. We did have a great dinner. It showed me two things. The first and most important, I still love you. Im still in love with you.

Bette cut her off, Then why are you leaving?

I said it showed me two things Bette that was only the first. The second is that I am still too hurt and too angry to think about getting back together with you. I need time. I need to clear my head. She looked around the table again and focused on Shane, Please understand, this is only for a few months, then Ill be back. It will give me time to think and clear my head and get passed this. I need you guys to understand, I need this.

Shane had been staring intently at Tina as she spoke, Yeah, whatever, leave, good luck Tina. She said getting up and leaving the Planet. Alice went to get up to go after her but Tina stopped her, No, Ill go.

Tina caught up with Shane outside by her truck. Shane was in the drivers seat with her head on the steering wheel. Tina knocked on the window, startling Shane who looked up with tears streaming down her cheeks. Tina opened the door and pulled Shane to her. Its ok, Im coming back Shane. Please dont cry.

Shane pushed herself away from Tina wiping her eyes. Just leave me alone Tina. OK? Just leave. Its what you are going to do anyway. Just like everyone else. Just go.

Shane, look at me. I need to do this. I need this. I have spent way so much time as a couple that I dont remember who I am anymore. I cant be here with her and not be with her. Please understand. Ill come home when I have this all sorted out. I promise. Promise. I love you, Shane. Ill never abandon you.

Shane looked at Tina and saw the pain in her eyes. She knew that this was something that she had to do for herself, it just sucked. Sok. Sorry man. I over reacted. You just threw me, thats all. Youll come home? She asked, smiling at Tina. Yeah, Im going to come home.

T, can I ask you a question?

Of course, what?

Why did you tell Bette with the rest of us? I mean, dont you think that she deserved to hear this without us there?

Yeah, she probably did. But I didnt think I would have the strength to do this more than one. Its too hard. Shane, you are all my family. For years, you have all been a part of my daily life. I just needed to do it once and get it over with. Are you ready to come back in?

Nah. I dont do goodbyes well. Tell them Im ok, that were ok. Shane said pulling Tina into a hug. Tina, I love you too. Be safe out there and come home to us.

Ill see you soon Shane. Tina said as she went back into the Planet. Carmen stopped her at the door to ask if Shane was ok. Shes ok, but she could use a friend. Can you keep an eye on her for me? Tina asked. That was the best thing that came out of that horrible afternoon, Carmen did as she promised Tina.

When they all finally finished crying and saying good bye, Dana and Alice got into the Mini to head back to Danas place. I cant believe shes leaving Dana. Im going to miss her so much.

Dana didnt say anything. She kept staring blankly out the window. Lost in her thoughts. Dana, are you ok?

What, yeah, Al. Im fine, Im just thinking. Thats all. I really thought they were going to make it.

She said she still loved her and that she was going to come home.

Come on Al. You cant be that naive. She isnt coming back.

Yes she is Dana. Dont even think that she hasnt even left yet. Shell be back.

Whatever. Can we not talk about this now?

Looking over at her girlfriend, seeing the pain on her face, Alice put her hand on top of Danas, Of course, hon. Yeah. No problem. Itll be ok Dane.

They drove in silence back to Danas with Alice stealing quick glances at Dana. After they parked, Alice went to get out of the car and Dana pulled her back in. Alice, do you mind if I want to be alone for a bit?

Shocked and more than a little hurt, Alice looked at Dana, You want to be alone? Are you sure you dont want company? We can just sit in the couch and veg and not talk. But you seem really upset, I hate leaving you like this.

Dana cupped her hand to Alices cheek, Thanks Al, but Im fine. I just need some time. OK? I love you for wanting to stay though.

Alice took Danas hand from her cheek and kissed it saying, OK, if youre sure. Call me if you need me or want to talk or need anything, ok?

I will. Thanks Alice. Dana leaned in and kissed Alices cheek, Love you.

Love you too Alice said to Danas back as Dana was already halfway out of the car.

Alice went home to a very empty apartment. Tina had been there for almost three months and Dana was over almost every night. Suddenly, it was way too empty. She called Dana later that night to check in on her, but she got the machine. Same thing the next morning. When she still hadnt heard form her girlfriend by the next afternoon, her message wasnt as sweet, Dana, are you there? Are you screening? OK. Now you are getting me nervous. I need to hear from you. If you still need time alone, thats fine, just call me and let me know youre ok. If I dont hear from you tonight, Ill be over first thing in the morning.

Alice spent the night commiserating with Bette, who was a wreck. They drank way too much, cried way too much, listened to some really bad, cheesy love sick music and finally crashed.

Alice was woken up by a phone that was ringing way too loudly. What! Al?

Dana, is that you? Alice asked coming out of her alcohol induced fog.

Yeah its me. Alice got up off of the couch, trying not to wake Bette, who was in a really uncomfortable looking position half on the couch, half off it.

Are you ok, honey? Ive been worried about you.

Im fine Alice. Just hiding out a bit. Thinking. Im sorry. I should have called you.

Its ok. As long as youre ok, thats all I care about.

Dana was quiet for a second, You do, dont you?

I do what?

Care if Im ok?

Of course I do Dana. You dont ever have to ask that. That is one of the few givens you will always have.

Thanks.

Dane, Im really hung over, Bette came over last night and we drank a bit too much quervo. Im in desperate need of strong coffee. Want to meet me at the Planet?

NO! Dana practically screamed into the phone, I mean, no, I cant, I need to get to practice.

Wow, Dana, its only coffee. OK. Later? Can we meet up later? I miss you.

Yeah, Al. Ill call you later. Listen, I need to go. Talk to you later.

Alice hung up the phone and sighed. Bette was rolling over, trying to get body either totally on the couch or onto the floor. Ow, how did I get into this position?

Morning. I have no idea, but it didnt look comfortable.

Yeah, it wasnt. Was that Dana? Is she ok?

Yeah, that was Dana, but she sure as ***** didnt sound ok. Alice said while walking to the kitchen to make coffee. Bette, finally, able to get up, followed her into the kitchen. Whats going on with her? She might be taking Tina leaving worse than I am.

Porter, I dont have a clue. She said shed call me later and we could get together. Ill let you know.

That call didnt come. By midnight, Alice left Dana messages at her house and on her cell, and still no return call. By the next morning, she realized she was going to have to do something. She picked up the phone and called Dana, when the answering machine came on she left a frantic message about Bette coming over drunk and upset and getting angry and throwing things and that she needed help. To please come over as soon as she heard the message. She needed help.

Fifteen minutes later there was a loud knock on the door and Shane and Dana came running into the apartment. Where is she? Is she ok? Looking around the apartment and seeing that everything looked fine Shane asked Alice, whats going on? Dana called me about Bette freaking out in here and you needing help, where is Bette and why does this apartment look way too neat to have someone freaking out in it?

Alice couldnt help but laugh at the sight. It was actually really sweet that they both came running over like that. Its taken care of Shane. Thanks for coming by though. Want some coffee?

Dana didnt find any of this funny. Al, what the ***** is going on? I blew off practice to come here.

Dana, you havent been talking to me, you wont answer my calls, you wont see me. I had to do something.

So you thought youd scare the ***** out of me? Nice, Al, nice.

Shane just laughed at both of them, Listen guys, Im gonna go. Glad everythings ok. I left Carmen in bed. Talk to you later.

Wait Shane, Im coming with you. Dana said, running after Shane.

No, youre not. Alice shot back.

Shane looked at the two of them, Youre on your own Dane. See ya.

Dana stood in the hallway unsure of what to do. She was furious with Alice but touched at the same time. Alice walked over to her and took her hands and guided her to the couch. You are going to sit here and talk to me. I am your friend. I have been your friend for years, dont run away from me.

Dana shifted on the couch, looking at her feet, I dont know what to say.

How about start with whats going on in that beautiful head of yours? Something is. *****, before we were together we barely went three days without talking. Whats going on Dana? Im worried about you.

They sat there for a few moments in an uncomfortable silence. Alice reached up and put her hands on Danas face. Dana flinched at the touch. Dane, youre scaring me. Talk to me.

I cant do this.

Of course you can, just talk to me.

No, not that, I mean this, Dana said waving her hands between herself and Alice, I cant do this.

Alice sat there for a second, taking in what Dana was saying. You mean us? You cant do us? Dana kept looking at the floor and nodded her head. Dana, I dont get it. We were fine. What happened? What changed?

Everything changed Alice.

I dont get it. I need a little more than that Dane. Alice could feel the tears forming.

I cant risk it. Its not worth the price Its not worth it. Dana looked up at Alice, meeting her eyes and saw the tears in them. Im sorry Alice. I didnt mean that you arent worth it. *****. Im no good at this. I cant explain myself. *****.

Dana, what are you scared of?

Dana looked back at the floor and took a few seconds, trying to decide if she wanted to be honest, Of becoming them.

Them? Then the light bulb went off, You mean Bette and Tina?

Dana just nodded, her own tears starting to spill. Alice moved closer to Dana and pulled her into a tight hug, whispering into her ear, Oh honey, thats not going to happen. We wont let that happen.

Dana pushed Alice away, Dont you think they sat at the start of their own relationship saying the same things to each other. Dont you think they promised each other it would always be ok, that theyd never hurt the other? Well, look how well that worked out.

Yeah, but we arent them. And we dont know that they are done for good. Tina said shed be home. She even called me from NY, reminding me to take care of Bette for her. Shell be home. She needs time.

No she wont. Its not even just Bette that lost her. We all did. She up and left all of us. Alice, you mean too much to me to lose you. I cant risk being Bette in seven years. I cant lose you.

Alice reached for Danas hands, hoping she wouldnt pull away again, Honey, youll never lose me. I will always be there. You need to remember one big difference, between us and them. I was your friend first. We have been friends for six years. You are closer to me than almost anyone in my life. Friends, real friends, always find a way to stay friends. You wont lose me.

Dana looked up into Alices eyes, searching for something, belief maybe, something, You say that now, but what happens when we keep going at this, and then a month, a year or 10 years later, we realize that we made a mistake? What happens then?

We figure it out then. I wish I could promise you that it will never end or that there wont ever be any pain, or that we wont hurt each other, but I cant do that. Id be lying. Life isnt that easy. It never is. But I can promise to love you, to be there to ease the pain when it shows up and fight with you and make up with you. Answer this, do you love me?

You know that I do. Ive always loved you, Al. But thats not what Im worried about.

Well, do you think I love you? Alice looked at Dana, waiting for an answer. Not seeing one forthcoming, Do you?

I kind of, well, I hope you do.

You dont know that I do? Can you really doubt that Dana? Alice asked, almost pleading.

I mean, I know you love me. But Im not so sure about the in love part. I mean, you can have anyone. What if you realize you settled for me, cause it was comfortable and we were so close, you know?

What, settle for you? Comfortable? Dana! Do you think there was anything comfortable about going to your house at 4 in the morning and kissing you? It was the scariest thing I ever did. I was so scared that you werent going to feel the same and that I was going to lose my best friend. But I couldnt let you marry someone else. I couldnt watch you promise yourself to someone else.

Alice put her hands on Danas face and softly wiped her tears with her thumbs, Dana, you were my other half, before I even knew I wanted one.

Really? Alice, are you sure this is what you want? That, uh, Im what you want?

Ive never been more sure of anything in my life Alice whispered as she pulled Dana closer to her and kissed her softly on the lips, This is right where I want to be.

Im scared Alice.

So am I, Dana. But I know that if we give this up now, well regret it later. This is too real. This connection is too strong. I believe in this too much to let a little fear get in the way. Its only scary because its so good. The best rewards in life come with the greatest risks. But I believe in us, in you, enough to know itll work out.

You believe in me? I dont know how I got so lucky or how I ever deserved you, but Im glad youre here. Im still scared, Alice Dana looked up at Alice, Promise me something?

Anything, what?

If you ever think this is wrong or if there is someone else or anything, youll tell me before we hurt each other too much to go back?

Itll never happen. But Ill promise you if it makes you feel better.

Thanks Al. You really believe in me, huh?

Yeah, I do, and I think youre hot. Can I kiss you now? Alice said as she threw herself on top of Dana.

~~~~~~~

I should have let her go then. It was still new. Maybe we could have avoided this and still been friends. Now, I cant be her friend. I cant. I need her now. She let me trust her. She let me need her. I never needed anyone. Dammit Dana!!

Dana walked into the bathroom and found Alice there, staring off, lost in thought. Walking up to her and placing her hand on her back, Al? Alice jumped at the touch. Dana, what are you doing in here? pulling away from Dana.

I just needed to see if you were ok? You ran off the dance floor, why?

I saw that look in your eyes. I know that look. Dana, I know you too well. I just didnt want to stand there like an idiot. Alice turned her back to Dana and went to walk to the door and Dana grabbed her. You arent an idiot. I was standing there because I was scared of how good it felt Alice. Nothing else. You just feel so good.

Listen, Dana, Im drunk, Im in love with someone who doesnt want me anymore but with whom I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life. This is not easy. It is soooo not easy. She just rolls her eyes and looks up at Dana, and it is so hard to not hold you. Im not sure if this something I can ever get used to. Im sorry. I shouldnt have danced with you like that. I just got caught up. But please, dont tell me how good I feel. Please.

But Alice, Im trying. Dont give up on me yet.

Alice gently grabbed Danas hands to hold in her own, I could never give up on you Dane. Dont you get it? Thats the freakin problem here. If I could give up on you, it wouldnt hurt so much. And I have to tell you, this hurts. This hurts more than that time we were, well, you know, and you tried to roll on top of me but instead you ended up throwing me off of the bed. Remember that?

A small, embarrassed grin started to grow on Danas face, Yeah, I remember that. But I was just excited! Dana blurted out, remembering why this was so hard and why she loved Alice, she always knew when the mood needed to be lightened and could do it without it appearing inappropriate.

Softly smiling at Dana, Alice continued, Yeah, well, that hurt. But seriously Dana, this hurts worse. I love you. I love you unconditionally. For you. All of you, the good and theres lots of that. For the bad, and well theres enough of that too. But I love it anyway. I couldnt give up on you. If I could, I could walk away like I did every other time before you. But you, after that first kiss at 4 am on your doorstep, I was yours. I lost my ability to ever walk away from you that night.

Dana just stood there listening to what Alice was saying. She was almost believing it too. If anyone loved her, it was Alice. She was always the one. The one who took care of her. The one who cared if she woke up in the morning. The one who held her every time her mother dismissed Dana and made her feel unlovable. The one who made her life complete. If she could trust her heart to anyone, it would be Alice.

But there was too much at risk. There were things that Alice would find out one day and she would stop loving her. When Dana thought about the things that happened in her life, the things that she wasnt strong enough to stop, she knew that Alice would never forgive her. Unconditional love only exists in movies. Even her family didnt know what that was.

Are you even listening to me? Dana?

Dana snapped out of her daze and looked into Alices eyes, seeing them searching her own. She could swear that when she looked into Alices eyes, she could see her soul. So beautiful, so open, Yeah, Im listening, Al. I was just, I dont know. Just thinking.

Dana, we arent going to accomplish anything drunk in the bathroom at Milk. Youre asking me not to give up on you. I can tell you that I dont want to. I love you. I want my life with you. I want to tell you that I will wait forever for you, but I cant. Its not fair to either of us. You really need to step up to the plate. Ill give you time. We have too much here to not give it to you. And I dont want you to come home because I want you there. Its gotta be because its where you want to be. I wont be your safety choice. You have to want to be there Dane.

Alice dropped Danas hands and announced, Im going back out there. I left my new boss with Shane, god help me. If she wasnt ***** when she came in, Shane might have her lining up to get a ***** haircut and a few wife beaters by the time I get back to the table.

She went to walk out, turned around to look at Dana, reached up and put her hands on her face, leaned in and softly kissed her and whispered, Ill only give up on you when you ask me to. And she left a breathless Dana in the bathroom.

Back at the table, Shane and Julie were deep in conversation, arguing about the Knicks and the Lakers, when Alice came up to them. Hey guys. Im going to go grab a beer, maybe a shot, you need anything?

Julia rising from the table said, Im going to use the ladies room. Alice, a beer would be great. But no shot for me. I think Im going to need to do something about the lack of a tolerance I have these days if I continue to hang out with you guys!

Al, Ill go with you. I could use a drink and youll need help carrying Shane said, getting up from the table.

Alice put her arm around Shanes waist and kissed her friends cheek.

What was that for?

For taking care of my girl. Thanks Shane. It means a lot to me. I know youll look after her like I do.

Shanes cheeks flushed a little and she put her harm around Alices waist and gave a slight squeeze, Hey, no problem. Im glad I could help. So, how are you doing with all of this? To look at the dance floor, well, I was thinking I might not be needed anymore.

Walking up to the bar, Alice tried to flag down the bartender. Wishful thinking Shane. What you saw on the dance floor was tequila, nothing else.

What can I get you ladies?

Can I have four Amstels and five shots of chilled Quervo?

Five, Alice?

What, Im not drinking alone.

OK, well you didnt answer my question, how are you doing?

Im fine. What else can I say? Im fine, this sucks, totally sucks. But it is what it is. I cant change it. The bartender walked back with their drinks. Alice handed her the money. You take the shots, Ill grab the beers.

Shane grabbed Alices arm and forced her to turn around face Shane, Al, wait a sec. Talk to me. Youre giving up like that? It is what it is? Who the ***** came in and took the Alice I know? She wouldnt just give up.

Im not giving up Shane. But I cant fix this. This is all Dana. Its up to her. She knows I love her. If doesnt yet, well then Im totally screwed. But Dana needs to come to terms with this on her own. I dont know what else to do.

Alice, youre allowed to be upset by this. You dont have to stand here and be logical with me.

Alice looked up at Shane and felt her eyes well up as she said, Shane, what do you want from me? Want to see me breakdown and cry about how much this is tearing me apart? Want to hear me whine about how scared I am that this is it, that she wont come back? Will that make you happy?

Shane pulled Alice into her and hugged her, I just needed to know you are letting yourself feel. Learn from my mistakes. Dont hold it all in. Itll come back to bite you in the *****.

Giving Shane a small squeeze, Alice broke away, Im feeling, dont you worry about that. Looking up at Shane, raising her eyebrows a bit, And if its biting you in the *****, you can still fix it you know.

Hey, were talking about you. Im just giving you the benefit of my experience.

Yeah well, seriously, Shane. Thanks for letting Dana stay with you. Help you find her way home please?

Dont you worry, Ive got that covered. I called in the big guns.

The big guns? What did Yoda call Han Solo?

Cute Al, come on, lets head back to the table.