When she closed her eyes, she could see everything around those first few days.
That first kiss was enough to make anyone lose herself. To be woken up at four
am by the person you have loved for years, but didn’t think there was chance.
To have that person protest your upcoming marriage and the only reason she
could give was to kiss her. It just took her breath away whenever she thought of
it.

Dana wasn’t ready to face all of those emotions. She had spent so many years
trying to hide those feelings. She had spent so much time figuring out how to be
Alice’s friend, so much time meeting Alice’s girlfriends, boyfriends or infatuations.
God, she spent so much time trying to remember to smile when she saw Alice
with Gabby or Lisa or some other random person. It never mattered to Dana.
She had resigned herself to the idea that she and Alice were destined for
friendship. So all she asked for was that whomever Alice chose to be with treat
her the way that Dana would of if she had the opportunity. Sadly, that never
happened and that only made Dana want Alice more, just to show her how she
deserved to be treated.

But then, after being woken up at four am, she was given that opportunity. Alice
had kissed her with such a profound sense of trepidation. There was so much
hesitation in the act. But Dana only felt Alice’s lips on her own. Something she
had thought of for so long. She finally had the ability to validate just how soft
her lips were. Her imagination would never have felt this good.

And now, almost six years later, she had done to Alice what others had done,
what she had promised herself and Alice she wouldn’t do to her. That was
something that Dana just couldn’t accept. She had felt so bad for betraying Alice,
and then when the letters started and Dana realized that she hadn’t just
betrayed her, but through that betrayal had put Alice in danger, she just couldn’t
face herself or Alice. She knew she took the coward’s way out by trying to end
things. There was no rational reason for it. Anyone who knew the two of them
knew that. She tried the angle with her parents ending. There was some reality
in that. Her parent’s split had rocked Dana and her idea of continuity and
forever, but she knew better than to think Alice could ever do to her what her
father did to her mother.

The one thing that Dana couldn’t forgive herself for was her utter lack of resolve
and strength. First, she actually took someone else to her room. Whether she
had actually followed through on that or not wasn’t really all that relevant. She
started something and for a time wanted to finish it. Of course, just because
you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean that you don’t notice other people, but you
do stop wanting them and you certainly don’t act on anything. Then Dana saw
that Alice could be in danger so she decided to end things to protect Alice. And
again, she had no resolve and couldn’t stick to it.

When you love someone, shouldn’t you love her enough to walk away if that is
what’s best for her? Shouldn’t she have been able to look at Alice and convince
her that she didn’t love her and let Alice start over? How could she put Alice
through the pain of ending, then just give in and then let her find out just how
badly she had betrayed her?

When she saw Alice’s face at the hotel this morning, that desolate, empty look in
her eyes when she looked at Dana, it broke Dana. Alice had so much love inside
of her. She gave so much of herself that when someone she loved hurt her she
just shut down. The pain was too much to bear. Alice didn’t just give to anyone.
She was selective, but those that actually had Alice love them, there was nothing
she wouldn’t do. There was no grey and no in-between that left Alice wide open.
So when she was hurt, she had no protection.

All Dana knew was that she couldn’t leave things as they were. She couldn’t let
Alice stay like this. She wasn’t sure what she was going to do. She knew that
Alice wasn’t going to make this easy. Alice was going to fight her. But Dana
wasn’t going to leave it like this. She was going to find a way to make this right.
Alice was wrong. It wasn’t gone. It just needed some serious reviving. Dana was
going to find a way.