// I’ve tried to fight it but what can I do
There’s something deeper that surrenders to you

I want to call out for love ’til I can’t breathe
I want to stare at the truth ’til I can’ see
I want to pour out my soul ’til I’m Empty
Empty//
Empty by Terri Clark

——————————————————————

It was only early evening, but there were already a lot of people running around, back and forth, to get things ready for the Pride Party at the Planet. Even with all the last-minute planning, Kit was gracious enough to let the girls hang out at a corner table, out of the way of carried tables and frantic decorators, before the doors opened at eight-thirty.


***

Earlier that day, Dana had been so angry with the organizer for the ***** & ***** Centre who wouldn’t let Alice be on the float with her, that she tried to threaten the girl by saying that if they won’t take Alice Pieszecki, then they can’t have Dana Fairbanks!

“Fine!”

That was all the girl said. She clutched her clipboard in her hands, turned around and walked away. Dana looked after the girl, Alice behind her doing the same thing. They just stood there for a moment, unsure whether they should feel insulted at being snubbed or elated that they were now free to roam the parade together and with their friends. It was evident that they both decided the latter as matching smiles spread across their faces once they turned around and caught sight of Shane walking towards them with Carmen in tow.

“Hey guys. What’s up?” Shane asked casually, making space for Carmen to be part of the tight circle as the four tried to make conversation amidst people-traffic around the floats that were preparing for the parade to begin. “Hey, Dane, weren’t you gonna be on that float? I mean, that would’ve been pretty cool, don’t-cha think?” she wondered, nodding her chin towards the ***** & ***** Centre float that was slowly edging its way through the start of the parade.

“I know, but-” Dana paused to put her arms reassuringly around Alice’s waist. “But I’d rather be here with you guys.” Resting her chin on Al’s shoulder, she turned her head just slightly and whispered in her ear, “And I’d rather be here with you.”

Alice could not help the happy shiver that ran down her spine at the feel and sound of Dana’s words. *Why can’t she just tell me she loves me too?! Can’t she tell how she makes me feel?* These questions started to fill her mind, doubts that kept accumulating ever since she told Dana that she loved her. Al felt Dana’s arms tighten around her waist and her head snuggling in the crook of Alice’s neck, the tip of Dana’s nose tickling her lightly. Alice sighed helplessly. *God, I love this woman. And it doesn’t matter, does it? It doesn’t matter whether she says the words or not. Because I know what I feel. And, colour me sappy, but I’m pretty sure I know what she feels, too.*

As they started to walk alongside the floats, with Shane and Carmen waving after the Dykes on Bikes, Dana holding her hand as they walked, a familiar song couldn’t help but crawl its way into Alice’s head.

//More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me
‘Cause I’d already know//

Some fans had finally spotted Dana walking on foot at the parade and had decided it was the perfect venue for an improptu autograph session. She gave Al an apologetic look and squeezed her hand before turning to face the onslaught of pens, papers, cameras, and, funnily enough, children to hug!

Alice didn’t mind though. She’d been wanting to talk to Shane and had hoped a moment like this would turn up.

“Um, guys…” she said, trying to get Shane and Carmen’s full attention. When that didn’t happen, she sped up in order to turn around and stand in front of them. “Guys, this is serious!” She said indignantly, suddenly unsure what to say now that they were listening to her. Pushing a lock of hair away from her face, she looked at the ground, and explained, “I told Dana I loved her three times!”

Both Shane and Carmen smiled, individually secretly jealous. “That’s great, Al!” Shane said, genuinely. “What’s the prob-”

“She didn’t say it back… Al blurted out, already knowing what Shanes question was, I mean, I know she must love me, at least at some level, but it wouldn’t hurt to hear it from your girlfriend, y’know?” She asked, hoping they’d agree with her.

Yeah, it’s something else when you hear her say it.” Carmen cautiously agreed. “But can’t you feel it? Both Shane and Alice turned to look at Carmen quizzically. Yknow, like how she touches you, how she skips out on being on a Pride float to walk around with you, how she breaks up with her fianc to be with you, how she looks at you, knows what coffee you drink… those things tell you something, dont they? Carmen said, sounding more like a statement than a question, as Alice nodded slowly as she spoke. And think about it, when she does tell you, its on her own time, not when you surprise her. And that way, you can be damn sure she means it when she tells you and shows you how much she loves you. That its not just empty words.

Again, both Shane and Alice turned to look at Carmen. Both looking surprised at the common sense in Carmens words. Both realizing that, perhaps, Yoda has found her match.


***

Dana and Alice just sat on the couch, lounging, tired from walking throughout the day’s parade festivities, and grateful for a little rest to replenish their energy for partying the rest of the night. Dana had her arm slung comfortably on the back of the couch, behind Alice’s head. She sat on her right foot, while her left leg tapped to the music that was playing on the Planets speakers. Dana was absently caressing up and down her girlfriend’s tattooed arm, causing a knowing smile to cross Alice’s lips. Al was snuggled between Danas legs, sitting with both her feet up on the couch, reading a book of David Sedaris’ short stories. But for once her smile didn’t come from anything she was reading. She could feel Dana’s idle motions on her arm and her thoughts from earlier at the Parade resurfaced, causing her to hum the song absently.

Luckily, Dana was too lost in her thoughts to notice and be embarrassed by the implications of Al’s song. The tennis player’s gaze shifted repeatedly between the candle that idly burned on the table’s centerpiece and her car keys that lay on the table. It didn’t really matter what she was looking at, though, because she didn’t really see what was right in front of her. This was just classic-Dana for her to not see things clearly until it hit her on the head. *…or kissed me at 4am,* she thought to herself, mirroring the smile that Alice was still sporting, remembering the first passionate, hungry kisses they shared on her porch.

Dana replayed over and over again in her head what Alice had told her the night before. In fact, Alice had told her a total of three times!

“I love you.” “I love you.” “I love you.”

*What the ***** is wrong with me!?! Alice is incredible! She’s an incredible friend. She’s incredible with me. She’s incredibly funny. She’s incredible looking. She’s incredible in bed… I had every reason to say it. Now she probably has doubts about how seriously I am taking this relationship. Why couldn’t I just say it!?* Dana tried to hide her exasperated sigh as Carmen approached the table, impossibly balancing four drinks and a plate of munchies in her hands.

Shane got up to help Carmen with the drinks and to point out whose was what. Alice couldn’t help but nudge Dana’s hip and point at the pair with her eyebrows. As they passed the drinks between them, it was obvious that each felt elated every time their hands brushed against each other, for which they found every excuse to do. Neither Dana nor Alice minded the fact that Carmen ended up spending the whole day at Pride with them. Which was alright for them, since it allowed them to be all couple-y without making Shane feel like a third wheel. But Dana knew it was more than that. Seeing her interact with Shane, it was easy to tell that someone like Carmen would be good for her. There was a connection there that, with one look, you just knew. Yes, there’s questions. And, yes, there are doubts and insecurities but you just knew. Looking at Shane and Carmen as they entered into a comfortable discussion about the “real” difference between dance music and electronica, she knew too and it kinda reminds her of

Dana looked at Alice and realized then why she didn’t say “I love you” back, even when she had been given several chances to do so. *Because I can’t just say it… not for the sake of just saying it, no, definitely not just for-*

“Dana!”

She was knocked back from her resolved stupor. She was so involved in her thoughts that she’d completely missed the stimulating conversation that Alice, Shane and Carmen were engrossed in.

“S-sorry… can you say that again, please?” Dana asked, trying to recover from the embarrassment that was still clear on her blushing cheeks.

“Hello! Earth to Dana.” Alice teased, tickling her in the process. “What? D’you want me to yell in your ear again or have you returned from Danaville.”

Laughing and squirming from the tickling, Dana cried out, “I’m here! I’m here! I’m listening.” She caught both of Alice’s hands in a gentle but firm grip. Dana looked Alice in the eyes, saw the honesty and passion there that her next words came out huskily lower, “I’m here, baby. Will you repeat what you said?”

Alice smiled at the endearment. She didnt miss the change in Danas tone at all. All thoughts of her previous conversation with Shane and Carmen were out the window at the sound of Danas desire-filled words. Nothing, baby nothing that cant wait. Al said, slightly turning her body to snuggle closer to Danas and leaned in for a kiss.

Seeing this, Shane realized that perhaps they needed time alone and said, haltingly, ***** um, maybe Carmen and I should-

Sorry, guys Dana apologized, her face red, you shouldnt go you guys should stay for the party have fun. Well behave, promise. She looked at Alice and remembered something shed been wanting to do all day. Uh, plus, Shane, I need to talk to you

Oh-kay. Was all Shane could say, not knowing what Dana was up to.

Well, can we do you wanna Dana awkwardly gestured at the bar. *Smooth, Dana! Now shes gonna wonder what all the fuss is about!* She turned to Alice and tried to play it cool, Ill be right back, baby.

At the bar

Whats going on, Dane, what did-

She told me she loved me. Once again Shanes question was answered before she could even ask it. She told me she loved me. Dana repeated, almost as if she was trying to convince herself. She held up three fingers, She told me three times, Shane. Dana let out an exasperated sigh, leaning with her hand against a stool, waiting for Shane to say something.

Well do you? Shane saw no real reason to beat around the bush, it wasnt really her style. Especially considering her last conversation with Alice and what Carmen had said. Dana loved Alice. Carmen knew that. Shane knew that. Even Alice knew that, though somewhat insecurely. Dana must know it but what was she afraid of?

I I- Danas mouth hung open, trying to find and formulate a coherent response to such a simple question. Her face softened and her mouth closed when she realized that the answer was also simple. What happens now that she knows the answer, now, THAT was

Oh, *****!

TBC — Don’t worry… This is a good “*****” LOL