At around four-thirty Shane is sleeping fitfully, and I’m attempting to read a battered old copy of Reader’s Digest when my boss walks into the room. Jeanette is carrying my flowers, the gorgeous bouquet Shane sent.
Hi, I whisper, surprised.
Hey. I thought youd benefit more from these up here than downstairs.
Thanks, I smile, touched. How are things down there?
The same. Dont worry about that. You just focus on your girlfriend. Im too tired to correct her. Mercifully Shane is still sleeping, and Jeanette is whispering. I can get your shifts covered until Monday.
Youre the best, Jen.
No problem. How is she? She whispers it quietly, glancing at Shane.
Shes great. Her vitals have been stable.
Good. Im gonna go home now but Ill come in and check on you Monday.
Thank you. I cant tell you how much I appreciate it. I hug her.
No problem. Ill see you later.
Okay.
When I turn around, Shane is awake and her eyes are on me. Who was that? If I didnt know better Id think she was jealous.
That was my boss. She told me that I can have off through Monday, so I can spend time with you.
Wow, she smiles softly, eliciting a smile from me in return. Maybe she was jealous. Well, she is hopped up on pain meds. Sorry Im not more entertaining.
I snort. Ive had enough entertainment from you to last me a lifetime, Miss Hottie Pants.
She smiles weakly and lies back in bed.
D?”
Yeah?”
Are we cool?
Yes, we are. Very. Do you remember the night before last?
She grins, and something about that boyish lopsided grin makes me feel everythings going to be okay. Oh, yeah.
Yeah?
Definitely. That was amazing.
Oh, yeah, it was. You have to get better, so you can do it to me, I whisper.
She looks toward the door, distracted. Jenny is there, with balloons and flowers, and Alice is there, and Tina.
Hey guys, she says. You didnt have to come here. And you brought me flowers… The happy shock on her face is priceless.
I can tell that shes thrilled to see them. Id completely forgotten about visiting hours. Alice is carrying a plant, and Tina brings a nice bouquet of pink lilies. I raise Shanes bed so she can sit up, and move chairs from the other side of the room.
You deserve flowers, Jenny says, lifting and kissing Shanes good hand.
You guys. How easily pure kindness can blow Shanes mind. Ill have to remember that.
Tina sets the lilies down on Shanes tray table and Shane leans forward to smell them, wincing at the strain of her shoulder. How are you feeling, Shane? Tina asks, squeezing her hand.
Theyve got me on some fun drugs. And apparently Ive done something to merit my own personal nurse, she grins and I swat her leg.
I bet you have, Alice says suggestively.
Al! I yell. I dont know why. Als insinuation is kind of *****.
So whats new in the outside world? Shane asks.
You sound like youve been out of commission for days, Tina smiles.
It feels like days. How long has it been, D?
Not twenty-four hours, Hottie.
*****.
Alice looks like she wants to make a snarky comment about my choice of endearments but I give her a glare of death and she shuts up.
Shane, I brought you some stuff from home, Jenny says. I have your PJs and your favorite sweatshirt. She has a favorite sweatshirt? Why dont I know that? I wonder what other domestic nuggets about Shane Jenny is privy to. Stop it, I tell myself. Dont be jealous of Jenny. Theyve never even fucked.
Thank you, Jenny. You guys are the *****.
No, youre the *****, Jenny says softly, pushing the hair out of Shanes face. Shane? Youre burning up.
I frown. Nedra was in here to check her vitals a while ago and her temp was fine. I touch Shanes forehead. Suddenly she is on fire.
Ill be right back, I say. I walk to the nurses station. Hey Nedra, Shanes a little warm, do you mind if check her vitals early?
Knock yourself out, she says, not looking up from her charting.
Back in the room, Shane has dozed back to sleep. Her three visitors are whispering among themselves.
I sheath the temperature probe and stroke her cheek. Shane. Open up, hon. Under the tongue.
She does as I tell her, eyes closed.
Hey you guys, Im gonna have to ask you to leave, I whisper. I watch as the reading goes up and up and up. Stroke her hair. 102.5. *****.
Nedra comes in and I show her the reading.
Ill call the doc, she whispers.
Tina, Jen and Alice leave. As Im walking them to the elevator, Al says how are we gonna tell her about Cherie?
Oh, *****. Id forgotten Cherie. I dunno. Just tell her I guess. Not now. When shes more stable.
She was great one minute, then bam, she was burning up.
I know, and thats what concerns me. Any time you have a penetrating injury like a bullet theres always a chance of developing a blood infection. I press the down button and turn to them. Im sorry to boot you out, but this is really an emergency. Thankfully I’m still in nurse mode. I’m almost grateful for their presence. Explaining the situation to them is calming me down.
Is she gonna be okay?
Good ***** question. I try not to think about the results of sepsis. Death, amputation. You know Shane. Shes tough.
Darah, are you taking care of yourself? Tina asks.
Yeah. My co-workers are seeing to that.
Good, she says, stroking back my hair. I feel disgusting. I really could use a shower.
Back in Shanes room, I soak a washcloth in ice water and put it on her forehead. She moans unhappily. Not soon after, Dr. Shumaker comes in. What are you doing here?
Shes my best friend.
You look awful. You should sleep. I fight the urge to flip her the bird and watch as she looks at Shanes chart. She double checks her vitals. The temp is now 103.1.
Its spiking so quickly. Two minutes ago it was 102.5, and ten minutes before that it was normal.
Shes getting septic, no doubt. Im gonna order blood cultures and Tylenol and a cooling pad STAT. Are you planning on staying here?
Well, I cant leave now. But I dont know how much longer I can stay awake.
For a while.
You havent slept yet, have you?
No.
Well get some rest. This will be a long road. Youll need it.
I nod. I so dont like the sound of that.
Shane is fitful, tossing and turning. Shes out of it, for sure, and doesnt appear to be in pain, but I wish she could rest.
Nedra brings a cooling bad, and we roll her over to put it under her, and she gives her Tylenol orally, which she keeps down. And her temp comes down. I keep dozing in my chair and when I wake up its almost ten thirty, and Dr. Rowan is there, looking sternly at me.
Please tell me you went home last night.
I went home last night, I parrot, blinking against the light.
Youre a ***** liar, Salameh. Youre wearing the same bloody scrubs as last night.
I look down. Shanes blood is on me. Why didnt I realize that? Why didnt Melanie say something? Its just a little, a few drops, but still its a biohazard.
How soon til the cultures come back?
A few more hours. Her white count is high so were gonna give IV Cipro.
You dont mess around.
No, not when the onset of infection is so rapid after surgery. He looks down at her, then speaks loudly. Shane? Shane, honey, wake up for me.
She does open her eyes. She seems so sleepy.
Hi, Im Doctor Rowan, Im the one who operated on you.
Hey. She mumbles, and starts coughing. The movement of her chest makes her wince.
How do you feel?
*****.
Thats to be expected. Do you know where you are?
Hospital.
Yep. He puts three fingers in the palm of her left hand. Squeeze my fingers, he says. Her eyes flutter open again and she follows his arm down to her hand. I lean over the bed and watch as she squeezes. Relief floods me to see her fingers move but the awful wince on her face tells me it must be painful.
Very good.
Hurts.
What hurts?
My arm.
Well, thats good. It means your nerves are intact and that youve got blood flowing into the arm. We have you on Tylenol for the fever, plus youre on Dilaudid.
Is my hand okay? Can I work?
It seems a lot better than I expected. Your circulation is good, Im feeling a pulse there, and your nerve function seems intact. As for whether you can work, well see how you do in rehab. Im more worried about the fever.
Fever, she mutters, eyes closing.
Let her sleep. he orders me.
I have!
Darah, go get some sleep and a shower.
I will.
He puts Shanes chart down and stares at me. Oh *****. Here it comes.
When was the last time you slept?
I was sleeping when you came in.
That isnt sleep. Im talking a good three or four hours, REM sleep, real sleep. *****, its not sleep unless its horizontal.
I slept yesterday.
Okay, heres the deal. Your friend, girlfriend, whatever, needs rest, which I dont doubt youve been giving her. But you need rest too and if youre not out of here when I come back in fifteen minutes, Ill have security escort you out. Im not playing.
Dr. Angelo said-”
I spoke with Dr. Angelo. She tells me you can go to Six West and crash and I suggest you do so. You can get some clean scrubs from CJ in the OR suite.
Okay. Ill go in a few minutes, promise.
Take care of yourself. Youve experienced a vicarious trauma. You need to rest your mind as well as your body, okay?
Suddenly I want to cry. I nod. I promise.
And Im good to my word. When he is gone I stroke Shanes hair, wake her up. Her forehead is cooler and I pray her temp wont spike again. Hey, Hottie. Open your eyes, honey.
She does. Im gonna go take a nap, okay? Your doctor is kicking me out of here. But Ill be right upstairs on the sixth floor, and Ill be back soon, all right?
Love you D, she says, and I gasp silently. Shes delirious, I remind myself, and on enough meds to mellow a small pony. How to handle this?
I press my lips to her forehead. She smells of sweat and blood and green tea. Me too, I whisper. Ill be back before you know it.
She mumbles something I cant decipher. One more kiss, and I leave her.
From supply I scrounge soap and shampoo and a towel, and I go upstairs to the OR. C.J. is still there, bobbing her head to the Chili Peppers, and this makes my sleep-deprived brain do a double take. Wasnt it a whole 24 hours ago that she was doing the exact same thing? But no, today shes wearing something different, black vest over a Silence = Death tee.
Hey chica. Dr. Rowan said to give these to you. She puts a pair of blue surgical scrubs on the counter.
Thanks, Ceej.
No biggie. How is she?
She loves me. No she doesn’t, Didi, calm down.
Shes getting septic. Its under control for a moment. They keep telling me this is gonna be a long hard road, whatever that means, so I suppose Id better sleep.
Get some rest.
Thanks, doll.
Its dark and creepy on Six West. I try not to think about how easily someone could get up here. About all the people who have died up here. I dont believe in ghosts, but this place creeps me out.
I find a room with a door that locks, and shed my clothes as I walk to the bathroom. Under the fluorescents I can see that its at least clean, and thats all I care about right now.
I stand with my hand on the tile, leaning on it, mind stalled. “I love you, D.”
I shudder, my whole body. “Means nothing,” I murmur.
But I’ve been imagining the sound of those words from her lips, for so long.
The water feels good, purifying. Despite my fatigue and numbness I linger there for a long time, shampooing my hair, scrubbing my skin with a washcloth. I stare into the tile until the pattern blurs and merges.
When I come out, my hair is clinging to my shoulders. Its growing fast. Ill have to get Shane to cut it again…
If she can cut it again.
The beds arent made but there is a small stack of linens on the shelf. I throw down a sheet, not bothering to tuck it, then another sheet and blanket. Thirty six hours without sleep is nothing. I did it all the time in college. Theres a pillow on the window sill, I slide it into a pillowcase. That was college. That was nothing. Thirty six hours of this… Im fried.
I lie down, and just like that, Im gone.
When I wake, I sit up in the moonlit room, blinking. It takes me a few minutes to remember where I am, and I sit there, sheets falling from my naked body. Im hungry.
Then I remember, Shane quivering under my touch and Shane bleeding and Shane struggling to breathe. I reach for my watch. It lights up and tells me its 4:43 a.m.
Love you, D… I blink. I’ve dreamt nothing but that voice and those words. Was it really real? No. Stop it. Drugged and delirious. Doesn’t mean *****.
I didnt mean to sleep so long but I suppose my body demanded its eight hours. I stop at the caf to get myself a sandwich from under a heat lamp, some coffee. Ill get something more healthy later. Right now I want to get to Shanes bedside as soon as possible.
The elevator doors whoosh open on the third floor and I instantly hear the yelling. Get the ***** off of me, you prick! *****!
Oh *****, I say, and then Im running down the hall.