I stretch, so deep I can feel the tendons in my feet coming to life, the softness of sheets on my legs, then roll over. Morning.
Ten minutes until the alarm goes off. It’s a bright day, a perfect crisp October morning, I can tell that without even leaving the house. It’s warm here under the covers and I lie here comfortably, breathing deep.
It’s been ten days since Shane told me she loves me. Everything has changed, and nothing has changed.
Today I’m alone in bed. Last night I went to Shane and Jenny’s after work and got drunk, and Shane and I stumbled back to her room, and made love for a long long time. Coming and coming until we were sober again. And then late at night, calm as her room was with its dark brown walls and hip lighting, enticing as her sleeping body was, as the radiator kicked on and she kicked off the covers, I felt a need to get out of there.
And this morning, I’m glad I did. Now my body tingles at the idea of seeing her again, which I will be within the hour.
If she asks me to explain why I left, I’m not sure I’ll have the words. I guess I felt the need to step back and absorb the reality of us, the light in her eyes when she looked at me, the gaping vulnerability I feel every time I remember that god, she’s reached inside me and captured my beating heart.
Now I understand her better than I ever have, understand the time and space it takes her to love me, because I feel it too.
Slowly I get out of bed, throw off the covers and switch the alarm off before it can shriek at me. In the shower, I soap up, move my hands slickly over my body. My fingers skim a tender spot on my thigh and I look down to see a purpling bruise. Memory flashes, lightening-bright. Her eyes. It hits me, the way she bit there, looking up at me to confirm, to tease, and her eyes, oh, they were wild, giving.
I shiver with pleasure, shiver in the hot shower, lips parting to let my breath escape, hand steady on the wet tile.
I miss her. It’s been about seven hours. I smile sweetly, feeling tension in my face that is strange. I’m not used to smiling like this.
Ten days, and it’s been like this.
I don’t know how I’m gonna make it through brunch. Everyone’s going to the Planet then to the CAC for Bette’s exhibit. I just came off a long stretch of day shifts, and I haven’t seen the girls in a long while. Excitement throbs through me; three days off and I really want to play. And Shane…
Surely by now they and every other ***** in the LA area knows about Shane and me. Me and Shane. Christ, the mere thought of it makes me shiver. Us. Wow. *****’ A.
Is this what it’s like to be in love? Too much joy to contain within the boundaries of my skin. Everything in me is blooming.
“Eeeee!” I screech, sound echoing in the bathroom.
Then I hear someone inside my house, and my blood runs cold. Shane? Is she here already?
“D?” And I hear her burst through the door. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” I pull back the shower curtain, see her standing there, shades tucked into the V of her gray button-down shirt, black leather pants tight over her thighs.
“Hello,” I say lustfully, taking in her long lines.
“I heard you yell.”
“Oh. Um, the water was cold. I was expecting it to be warm. You look fuckable.” I stand there like an idiot, suddenly aware that the shower water is bouncing off of me to soak the carpet.
She raises an eyebrow and grins, gaze falling to my slick wet body. “You look pretty hot yourself. Hurry up, I have a surprise for you.”
“A surprise?”
“Hurry,” she says, grinning.
“Okay.” And I do.
.
I come out of the bathroom with wet hair, find her sitting at my kitchen table reading a magazine. I come in quickly behind her, moving the hair from her neck with one hand, spreading the other on her belly. I bite her neck and her head leans slackly forward. I soothe the place where I bit and then kiss it gently, run my fingers over the warm skin. Her moan, barely audible.
“What’s this about a surprise?”
“Hmm. Your hair’s wet – you’re gonna get a cold.”
“I just had a cold. Besides, that’s an old wive’s tale. Going out with wet hair has no effect on your immune system.”
“D-”
“Hey, you said hurry.”
She grins at me, that grin that is pure *****. “You’re bad,” she says, voice like syrup.
“I know,” I say, pulling her chair out sideways. I straddle her lap, facing her. “That’s why you love me.” I tilt my head down, nuzzle my nose against hers.
“No it’s not,” she murmurs. She defiantly lifts her face to me, bringing her lips so close to mine, and I can almost taste the shape of her smile. So close. I can feel the warmth of her underneath me, the restless boyish energy of her body. Her hands hover for a minute, then cup my *****, pulling me closer.
“Oh?”
“That’s the icing on the cake, but that’s not why I love you.” She lingers with her lips deliciously close to mine, so close I can feel her breath. Bliss travels the length of my spine, like heated water.
“Then why do you love me?” I say, barely able to summon the breath to get it out. Her hand is rising, up the pleased arch of my back.
She kisses me in answer, buying time maybe to formulate her words. I open my mouth, flicker my tongue against hers. Give her time. I feel the inner trickle deep inside me, places wettening for her, rushing to meet her. Love her.
“I love you,” she murmurs, pulling back to brush a lock of hair away from my face. “Because you’re you.”
“Oh.” What a cop out answer, I think. I pull back, but her hands are on my *****, not letting me move. My displeasure must show on my face, and I regret that the instant she sees it.
“I don’t think I could begin to list the reasons why I love you, D,” she says quietly, and I melt, feeling like a complete ingrate. “I’m sorry. I told you I’m no good at this.” Her gaze drops away from mine, and I see her insecurity.
“Bullshit!” Her eyes meet mine, a bit startled by the intensity of my response. There is something childlike there, something small that seeks reassurance. I kiss her fervently.
“You’re so good at this.” I pull back and breathe, then kiss her until she relaxes into it, moving with me.
We part, and she smiles, and I smile, and we’re both sitting there smiling.
“C’mon,” she says, slapping my *****. “Let’s go.”
“Okay.”
When we step outside my door, there is a Jeep parked in my driveway, blocking me in. “Who – what the?”
I look at Shane, but she’s just grinning, watching me, as if waiting for my reaction “Like it?” she says.
“Hottie? This is yours?”
“It’s mine.”
“No way.”
“Yup. It was time to put the truck out of its misery.”
“Very nice.” The Jeep is sparking and clean, a small model, and as we get closer I see that it’s a dark shade of green. “What year is it?”
“An ’02.”
“I like the color. When did you get it?”
“This morning, a friend of mine hooked me up.”
“Well, I guess you’re driving.”
“Damn straight.” She kisses me, grinning, and struts over to the drivers’ side. So cute.
She starts the engine proudly, looking high on the new car smell.
“How long were you driving the truck?”
“*****. Like, six years.”
“This is a great upgrade, Hottie,” I say, understanding why this is a big deal to her.
“Maybe I’ll let you drive it if you’re nice.”
I chuckle. I have no desire to drive it, but I don’t burst her bubble.
I can tell without looking that she can’t stop smiling. I don’t say anything for a few long minutes.
“You know what I’m thinking?” I finally ask.
“What are you thinking?”
“I’m thinking that… when we walk into the Planet, everyone’s gonna know about us,” I say.
“Something wrong with that?” she asks, and in profile I can see her frowning.
“***** no!” I’m glad to see the wrinkles that come into her face when she gives her lopsided grin. Love those wrinkles. I wonder how they’ll look when she’s fifty, eighty. “I’m happy. I just wondered if you felt weird about it.”
“They’re our friends, D.”
“I know.”
She stops at the end of the street and flicks on her turn signal. I notice how she never really answered the question I never really asked.
“So, do you?” I ask.
“Do I what?”
“Feel weird about it?”
“No, why would I?”
“Oh, come on, Shane the playa?”
She rolls her eyes. “No, Darah, I do not feel weird about it. I imagine they’ll act all shocked and *****, but that will be mildly annoying at the least. Don’t worry about it, Alice will have already done the hard part.”
“I’m not worried. I’m happy to show you off.” I say, only half joking. Well, not joking at all.
She smiles and I let it go. It’s a sunny day, and now I now why she wanted to leave early. We pass a half dozen parking spaces before she finds one that is satisfactory to her.
Despite the chilly wind, I don’t mind the walk, because when we start walking she slips her hand into mine. I bite my lip, amazed by the calm sweetness with which she glances at me, and we walk that way all the way to the Planet, right down Main Street of ***** Town, USA, everyone and their mother able to see Shane the Stud holding hands with her best friend.
Best five blocks I’ve ever walked, for sure. As we get closer I can see that Kit has removed the caf tables, and the Planet looks naked. Two girls are waiting outside the door, smoking. They look familiar but I don’t know them.
I feel their eyes on me, on Shane, at the place where our fingers link together. I should be used to this by now. I get it every time I’m with her, the looks, the whispers, the envious eyes and lustful expressions and flirtatious overtures. *****, I can’t blame them. I’m the luckiest woman on earth, but I feel like I’m the king of a precarious hill, ready to topple.
That fear is constant, relentless.
The blonde narrows her eyes at Shane, then looks away. I feel the back of my neck crawl with tension.
“Hi Shane,” the other girl says.
“Hi Carol. Lacey.”
I feel warm relief when the door closes behind us. The Planet smells like coffee and some sort of pumpkin spice thing. “Lacey? Is that the one who stalked you?” I ask, sotto voce.
“Tell you later,” Shane says, nodding coolly at Alice, who has spotted us and waved.
“Okay.”
We sit down next to Alice, who is thus far the only one at the big round table in the corner. “Hey girl,” I say.
“Hey Al,”Shane says calmly, letting go of my hand so she can take her jacket off.
“Hello Ladies. Better watch out Shane, Lacey might go on another smear campaign.”
Shane groans and picks up the menu.
“How are you, Al?” I’ll change the subject if I can.
“I’ll be better in a day or so.” I raise my eyebrow at her.
“Morning ladies,” Kit bustles over, before I can ask Alice what she’s talking about, setting down placemats and silverware.
“Hey Kit,” Shane says. “Is Bette coming?”
“No, she’s gonna meet you guys at the CAC.”
“Bummer. Maybe we should take her something to eat.”
“I bet she’d like that.”
I lean over, whisper in Shane’s ear. “You’re so ***** thoughtful. One of the reasons I love you.”
She gives me a secret smile that makes me feel warm all over. Alice is watching us back and forth, like a ball volleyed back and forth, looking one part disgusted and two parts amused.
“I thought Jenny would be coming with you guys,” Al says.
“No, Jen had a date last night. I didn’t see her at home.”
“Anyone we know?”
“I dunno.”
Al’s gaze shifts to someone in the window. “Oh *****,” she mumbles, looking down at her placemat. We turn to see Tonya leading Dana in by the hand. Shane darts her eyes to mine, wordless communication. What’s going on here, besides the usual sexual tension? I dunno, I think, mentally shrugging.
“Oh my god, girls, you’ll never guess who I just saw outside,” Tonya blurts, without saying hello.
“No, but I’m sure you’ll tell us,” Al mumbles. Dana glares at her. Shane hands menus to the two.
“Look honey,” Dana says loudly. “These are new. Kit got new menus, you guys.”
“Right,” Tonya says dismissively, scanning the eyes of everyone but Dana for a reaction to her gossip. She seems to have forgotten that Dana exists. “Anyway… Lacey Reynolds cut her wrists in the bathroom at Milk last week over some girl. She’s right outside. You can totally see the cuts and everything. What a freak show.”
I must have missed the cuts; I was too busy cringing from the animosity in her eyes. Everyone at the table is quiet for a beat.