Flow of Consciousness

           Oh my God, I can’t believe I did this. I swore I would never do such a thing. And now I’m here, sitting on the chair, at our kitchen’s table, thinking about what I’ve just done. She’s not here; she’s out and she’s coming back in a couple of hours. The thought of her finding out is slowly killing me inside. This sense of guilt is eating me alive. I feel like dying for doing it. She asked me gently, «Please, baby, promise me you won’t». Of course I promised I wouldn’t «Don’t worry, sweetie». But here I am, fighting with the urge of throwing up for breaking the promise. I wonder how she’s gonna act when I tell her what I’ve just done. I just hope it won’t be too hard and painful. Images of her upset, yelling at me, are crossing my mind and they are not beautiful images. They are scary. I shudder and walk toward the couch. I sit down; my head is spinning I need some support to steady myself. Finally I reach the soft and comfortable sofa. I lie down, and I wait. I wait for my judgment like a criminal who is destined to prison. Like a soul, wandering through the Purgatory, waiting for a sign of remission.

           She’s been out for about an hour now, the hour of judgment is getting close and I can’t help but feel the fear. The fear of seeing her disappointed look, once she finds out. I also fear the fact that she’s probably going to freak out and an angry Tina is scary. Scarier than Medusa herself. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of our plates are going to fly tonight. But, how can I blame her? I did it. I did something I swore I wouldn’t do. This is the price I have to pay for not listening to her. For not doing something she asked me to, in a so kindly way. I still remember her face when she told me: she was so cute and her eyes were full of love. How can’t you love those eyes? You can see her whole soul in those eyes.

           Fuck, they are right when they say that guilt is something that kills you softly. I can feel it in my gut. It seems like it’s eating my entrails. Oh, may I be damned for doing this. The almighty Bette Porter has succumbed to the temptation and now she’s going to pay for it. God damn me for even thinking about it. I know I should’ve fight the urge but it was just too hard. And, it hurts saying and admitting it but… it felt good, actually. It felt really… really good. I could feel that strong feeling inside of me; it was kind of liberating. I just hope she understands. It was something I couldn’t fight. Something I needed to do. I know I promised, but I just couldn’t help it. But what it’s done it’s done and I’m going to deal with the consequences. Bette Porter is going to fight; I’m not going to give up. She will understand and she will forgive me.