Bettes thoughts

In the three weeks I have been here it has seemed much longer. Perhaps it is the quiet, so much time to reflect. No phone, no laptop, no TV. In the first two and a half weeks I was a mess, well I am still a mess but there are minutes of relief and forgiveness. I have a routine. There are too moments when I swear I will never forgive myself. I have thought about Tee but not about winning her back, more I have thought about where we went wrong. Some things are obvious, to be blunt I fucked another woman, that was wrong. I have wondered why I did that and there are endless reasons. I have decided they are not excuses. I will accept the consequences of my actions. I think I have no choice really. But I looked back over the demise of our relationship and I realize we both did things that contributed to it. I do not blame Tina. There has been enough blame. We both did what we thought we had to. I have thought about everything, at first as a way to punish myself but now I try to focus on the mistakes and take something positive. It is not always easy and at times I am sure I am not honest with myself and I do not always take something positive away. Last night for the first time I really thought about that night, our last night together. Why I did what I did and why she responded like she did. There are no easy answers when fear and desperation are at your door. Tina never apologized for the bruises, not that I expected her too, I could see in her eyes, the way her eyes traced the bruise she was sorry. They were nothing compared to the hurt I must have caused her. I decided something about Tina today. I will do my best to make us have a workable relationship for the sake of our child. It seems ridiculous because only 3 weeks ago I vowed to get her back, to get our family back. I am realistic, even if I am heart broken. I deserve it. She is seeing someone else. She has not told me she still loves me. It is just not going to happen. And there is a child, we must work to make things the best we can for the baby. I will not entertain Tinas girlfriend. I draw the line there, whatever little self respect I have I am keeping. I am not going to pretend to be happy about it. I will ignore it best I can.