I broke away from Bettes grip, well sort of, she let go and I pulled away. I was surprised she let go to be honest. I guess when she anything, that is shed do anything and not stand in the way of me leaving she meant it. Seeing her there like that, desperate to hang onto anything familiar in her life, desperate to hang onto me and the baby broke my heart. There are not many people in the world Bette Porter would get on her knees for. I want to forgive Bette but it is hard to forget the humiliation and embarrassment Bette caused me. I gave her everything, I carried a child for us and lost a child, and suddenly I was on my own at one of the hardest times in my life. Id given up my identity, not intentionally but willingly. I guess I am just as mad at myself and perhaps I have been making Bette pay for that too. I heard the front door shut, I know where Bette went for those couple of hours and while she was gone I was determined to pack my things, I guess that made me think I wouldnt change my mind and stay. I dont want to be weak anymore. I packed, well I threw my stuff in the suitcase and then had to sit on it to close it. But I didnt have the patience to pack properly. I sat on my case and cried. I dont know how long for. Not understanding why this happened to us. I think I get how it happened. I just could not believe Bette did not tell me the truth, she lied until she knew she couldnt anymore. When she realized I knew more she came clean. I have no doubt Bette was trying to protect me but her too I suspect, knowing that telling me she slept with her, betrayed me more than once would be an issue. You cant write it off as an indiscretion if it happens more than once. I looked out the window and I watched Bette, I dont know or care if she saw me. What I saw was so unexpected. She struggled to light a cigarette, she drank and she didnt seem to care if she got wet or drowned for that matter. She yelled and no one in particular. She was crying. I can always tell when Bette has been crying. I saw her stagger somewhat on her way back to the house and I seated myself at the table. I made no attempt to move those bags. Bette wandered in like wed had some routine fight, she looked at the bags and brushed away a tear. I got up and went to her, she slid past me, hoping I wouldnt notice shed been drinking, she headed to the fire. I could see she was cold. She took off pretty much all her clothes, jumped on the couch, pulled the blanket over her and announced she would help me with the bags in the morning. She turned over and clearly didnt plan on saying anything else too me. The minute Bette took her clothes off, except her undies I was instantly aroused. Id forgotten Bette had that effect on me.I sit down on the edge of the couch and lifted up the blanket and rubbed her back. I know she is crying her heart out because I am leaving but I wonder if there was something more. I had my hand on that smooth mocha back of hers.
Tina : Bette, let me hold you, please, you said you would do anything.
Bette : How much do you want to punish me Tina. Havent I lost enough, you and the baby and the respect of my friends ? I said anything to get you back, I dont have you back.
Tina : I could punish you more Bette, what would be a suitable punishment ?
Bette : I dont know Tina. I guess this is apt punishment.
Bette : Tina, please, please dont do that. I know what I did isnt fair but neither is that. (She means rubbing her back).You have a long trip, you should get some rest. Bette said it without turning over. I ignore her and continue to rub her back, hoping she will calm down. It only serves to incense her, is it because she has been drinking I wonder.
Bette : Tina, Tina (she raises her voice). Stop it, OK ? What are trying to achieve ?
Tina : I want you to calm down so I can talk to you. Bette still didnt turn over.
Bette : Talk, about what, you want me to calm down after what you just said about punishing me more ? (Its not a question but a statement). I think it is all said Tina. Im done talking. Bette pulled the rug up around her chin.
Tina : I grab the rug and pull hard leaving Bette completely uncovered. Now that I have your attention, because I am not done talking Bette. I am grinning.
Bette : Tina, that is not funny ! Bette suddenly tries to cover up her ***** by placing one hand on each. She looks ridiculous.
Tina : I stand there grinning. You didnt seem to mind a few minutes ago. I hand her the blanket back and she wraps herself in it.
Tina : Bette, I really do have some things I need to say to you.
Bette : Tina, you know what, JUST ***** OFF, OK I HAVE HAD ENOUGH ! ENOUGH !
Tina : Bette, hey, hey, I am sorry, OK about the blanket. Please, please Bette, hear me out. I was just teasing.
Bette : Just teasing, too funny Tina. I have lost my life and you are teasing me. Bette jumped on the couch and resumed her position, like a petulant child who cannot win an argument. Talk then Tina, say what you have to.
Tina : I clear my throat. Bette when I found out about Candace I was so hurt, especially on top of the miscarriage. I felt embarrassed and humiliated and angry. I am still angry with you Bette. I am angry with me too for letting things go the way they did. I did things I am not proud of too, like the night of Provocations.
Bette : Tina, I am the one who should be embarrassed and I am the one who humiliated and betrayed both of us, not you, I am the failure.
Tina : Bette, you said your piece, let me finish, please. Bette, I think I have been punishing you because I was angry, justifiably so but I also punished you because I was mad at myself and that wasnt fair, so for that I want to apologise.
Bette : (warming a little) Tina, you dont need to
Tina : I get under the blanket with Bette and hold her from behind. I am dressed and she is not, I can tell she is aroused and does not know how to react, she doesnt yet understand what is happening. I understand now, not only does she feel many of the things I do but guilt and the shame of failing both me and herself.
Tina : Bette, we have one more night together, will you sleep in the bed with me ? I take her hand, she looks unsure and still has the blanket wrapped around her. I lead Bette into the bedroom. Bette has no idea what I have in store for her. But she has one last chance to redeem herself, she just doesnt know it yet.