Bette takes small steps

Last night I sat on the beach, as I do most nights. Id forgotten how beautiful this place is. I dont really know why I stopped coming here. I got too busy I suppose. I sat on the white sand, no one for miles, no traffic, no take out places, no lattes. Just me, the whitest sand Ive ever seen and the stars. From here on a clear night, if I look across I can see the national park across the bay. I could see it last night. At each end of the beach there are rocks, not rocks on the ground but rocks that are windswept and enclose the beach. It is so private. I am so glad I came. I had a small break through last night and today. Last night I sat out there, on my rug and let the wind blow through my hair. It was warm and I listened to the small waves crashing just a meter from me. It warmed my soul and for the first time since all this started I had a few moments peace. I think it was a relief, I am not sure. I went almost 15 minutes without thinking of Tina, without regretting my actions, without wishing her to be here with me. Of course it didnt last, the sadness eventually overwhelmed me but I did not cry, I just laid down and closed my eyes. I feel so safe here. Maybe this is the key, to learn to be on my own, how to be by myself. The time is coming when I must make decisions about my future but I will not do it now, I am not ready.

Today I had two small breakthroughs, it seems silly really. I went to the shops and I bought fresh flowers, they are beautiful. So simple and elegant. I bought two other things, both necessities. Some real coffee, know I know I feeling better and some Egyptian cotton sheets, off white. It has made the house feel so much like a home, I feel my spirits lifting, even if it is for short periods of time. While I was out I forgot to think about Tina. My second breakthrough was something I should have done two weeks ago. I called Kit. I got her answering machine, I told her I was OK, to tell the lawyer to sign whatever papers Tee hand drawn up, it would be OK, sign on my behalf. I apologized for worrying her. I told her to tell Tee I love her and I hope all is well with the baby.