Chapter 3

Many times I’ve tried to tell you
Many times I’ve cried alone
Always I’m surprised how well you
Cut my feelings to the bone

Don’t want to leave you really
I’ve invested too much time
To give you up that easy
To the doubts that complicate your mind.

Pat Benatar, “We Belong,” 1984





Slowly, Tina opened her eyes, her body heavy with lethargy. The room was darkened, only small
rays of the fading sun coming in through the curtained windows. She stretched her arms over her
head, and rolled over to face the doorway. She saw the outline of Bette sitting in the chair, but
could not see if her eyes were open or not. ‘She’s probably exhausted too,’ Tina thought, then
chastised herself for even caring. It was hard, this wanting to take care of Bette as usual, knowing
what she had done to their marriage.

Bette had cheated on her. It was an awful word. It seemed so foreign in her mind and in her
mouth, and as much as Tina had thought about it, she still couldn’t believe that it was true. No
matter how bad things had been between them, she never expected that Bette would look to
someone else, would actually be with someone else. How long had Bette lied to her? Had there
been others? Tina wanted answers, but was unsure if she could live with knowing whatever the
truth was. What would she do if Candace wasn?t the first? What if Candace was one of many?

Tina clutched her pillow to her face, feeling hot tears run down her face and onto the cloth. ‘I
cheated on Eric, and this is my punishment,’ Tina thought. It was completely irrational, but Tina
wasn’t exactly seeing things clearly at that point. Her relationship with Bette had started with a
flirtation and a kiss that rocked Tina’s world, but she had been with someone else at that time,
and did not break it off for weeks while she was seeing Bette. Granted she had not slept with or
even kissed Eric after she met Bette, she still did not officially break if off with him until she was
sure that what she and Bette had was something she wanted to pursue.

What a whirlwind those first weeks had been. Bette had awakened something in her that she never
knew was dormant. She had never even considered the possibility of a relationship with a woman,
but meeting Bette changed everything for her. She couldn’t get enough of the enigmatic gallery
owner, she wanted to know everything about her, wanted to experience everything with her,
wanted to exist in her world. One she had that first taste of Bette Porter, there was no going back.


At first, Tina knew that she was somewhat of a conquest for Bette, turning the straight girl. But
gradually she could feel that she was working her way into Bette’s heart. Soon it was Bette
calling her all the time, asking to see her. It was Bette showing up at her job, to take her to lunch
or even dinner. They had not even slept together, only shared some kisses that had left Bette
panting and Tina’s stomach doing flips, but Tina knew that Bette was the one she wanted to share
the rest of her life with. She soon learned that Bette felt the same way.

Tina smiled, remembering how they used to be, how earnest Bette was about showing how much
she cared for her. In those early years they had always made time for one another, both respecting
each others jobs and endeavors. It seemed like once Tina stopped working and wanted a family
that Bette pulled away from her. As much as Tina believed that Bette wanted children as much as
she did, it seemed like Bette looked at the whole thing as more of a project; it was something that
she could control, without too much emotional involvement, see it through until completion and
then move on to something else.

Tina had been feeling lonely for awhile, and not wanting to make waves, she had kept her mouth
shut. She had only brought it up to Bette once, letting her know that she was scared because of
the distance that had formed between them. Bette had reacted by pulling away, and Tina let it go,
again. She should have just opened up as many times as it took, let Bette know what she was
feeling, maybe Bette would have opened up too. Maybe they wouldn’t be in the situation that they
were now in.

Instead, she had done little things to get back at Bette. Like letting Alice be with her when she
took her first pregnancy test, telling Bette that she needed someone to be there for her, and well,
if it wasn’t going to be Bette, she showed her that it would be someone else. ‘Forgetting’ to pick
up dry cleaning even when Bette would remind her, or telling Bette she was too tired to make
love, never mind the fact that she could get wet just thinking of Bette?s face, her voice and hands.
Even when she really wanted to be intimate, she still thought it was more important to withhold
and to punish Bette for the things she had done, more strategic in proving a point.

‘Worked out real well for you,’ Tina thought.

And what now of the child she carried? At the time, she thought it was something that would
bring them close again, something that would fulfill them both. After the loss of their son, she
knew that Bette grieved as well, but had kept it from her, wanting to maintain her control in front
of Tina. After her emotional breakdown on television, Tina realized that Bette was just as affected
as she had been, she just handled it in different ways. She began to consider trying for another
child, thinking that things would be different between she and Bette.

She thought that there was no way they would make the same mistakes twice. She would involve
Bette more, let her in on what she was thinking and feeling, let her help with the decisions. She
would make Bette tell her what she was feeling, instead of keeping everything inside. How could
they go wrong? Tina had forgotten what it was like to be enthused about the simple things. They
would have something to look forward to again, a common denominator.

Those months after the miscarriage had been hard on the both of them, and she had made the
decision to go in for another insemination, without telling Bette, after speaking with Dr. Wilson to
make sure it was safe to try again so soon. She could keep doing her work with Oscar, he had
told her that there was the possibility of getting a paid position, and she was confident that if she
worked and took that stress off of Bette they wouldn’t have the same troubles as the first time.

And now, six weeks later, an innocent life grew inside of her. She was going to surprise Bette
after the opening, but after seeing how stressed Bette was she decided it could wait awhile longer.
She had not told anyone, and as hard as it was to keep the secret, she was ultimately glad that she
had. She was going to have to continue to keep it under wraps for as long as possible, everything
was different now.

Tina didn’t want to think of the reasons she hadn’t clued Bette in about going in for another
insemination. She didn’t want to think that she had kept it from her because deep down she had
been worried that Bette would try to talk her out of it, say that it wasn’t the right time. Tina
thought that if she didn’t do it then, it was never going to be the right time. She had been secretly
pleased when Bette asked her to consider starting a family again, but in that split second she made
the decision to tell Bette later, after the opening she thought Bette would be a bit more
emotionally capable of handling the news.

Tina sighed, and then sat up. She began rubbing her eyes, willing the tiredness away.

“Are you all right?”

Bette’s voice made Tina jump. “*****, you scared me.”

“I’m sorry,” Bette said, wanting to sit next to Tina, but unsure of herself. She leaned forward in
the chair, barely able to see Tina?s face. “Are you hungry? I can make you something to eat.”

“I think maybe a sandwich would be nice, after I shower. I still smell like LA,” Tina said, as she
stood and began to stretch. “Maybe after we can have a swim. It looks like it?s pretty warm out.”

Bette jumped up, thankful to be of some kind of help for Tina. She would do whatever she had to
do to make Tina forgive her. For Bette, there was no other possibility. She couldn’t even think
that they would not stay together. To consider that alternative was to admit defeat, and she would
never concede defeat where Tina was concerned.