Chapter 4

How the ***** did we wind up like this?
Why weren’t we able, to see the signs that we missed
And try to turn the tables.

Nickelback, “Someday.” 2003



Bette watched Tina as she looked through her suitcase for her black Ralph Lauren one piece. She had hoped Tina would wear a bikini, and then immediately felt shameful for even thinking such a thing. She had no right to think of Tina like that, no right to those intimacies. Tina walked into the bathroom, and Bette released the breath she had not realized that she was holding.

She got up and rolled her neck, trying to release the tension of the past day, and the kinks from sleeping in the chair. Bette also looked through the suitcase and found her own black Fendi bikini, and although she had packed others, this one was a fitting color. She also grabbed a pair of red board shorts to wear over, thinking that maybe Tina wasn’t going to be so in to seeing her ***** on display anytime soon.

She changed quickly, then tied her hair back into a loose ponytail. Satisfied with her look, she then grabbed her laptop and looked for an outlet to plug the machine into. The resort had no televisions, nor radios, and Bette was anxious to have something to distract her. She quickly found a spot in the living room and booted the computer up, checking her email and finding a worried note from Franklin. She fired off a response, letting him know that while she was not ill, there was a family emergency that required her immediate attention and she really had no idea how long it would be before she returned. She was irritated that her phone message to him had not been enough, and that he had felt the need to email her as well. Of course he knew she would bring her laptop along, she couldn’t go anywhere without the damn thing. She sighed in frustration, she was such a creature of habit it disgusted her. But she had broken one of her habits, the one where she remained faithful to her wife.

Wallowing in a bit of self-pity, she hadn’t heard the shower turn off, nor had she heard when Tina walked out into the living room to find her. Bette was completely engrossed in checking the rest of her mail it took her awhile to even notice that Tina was standing in front of her.

“I just wanted something to do until you got out,” Bette said as she looked up, but the explanation sounded lame to her own ears. ?Why not just say I couldn’t leave home without the damn thing, that I’d rather lose an arm than not be able to check my work email? At least it would be a start, Bette.’

“Contrary to what you might think Bette, right now I could really give a ***** about what you want. I’m not stupid enough to think that you’d be able to leave your toy at home, that maybe you would want to focus on us for a change,” Tina replied, struggling to keep her voice strong.

Bette immediately stood and reached for Tina, who batted her arms away. “T, it’s not even like that. I’m just so used to bringing it everywhere with me, and I am not going to lie to you and say that I wasn’t checking in on work, but still. I really was waiting for you, I didn’t want to make you something to eat and have it just sit there. I was trying to keep myself occupied.”

Tina thought of the various retorts to Bette’s last sentence. They were all on the tip of her tongue, desperate to leap off, but she really was hungry and not in the mood for a fight. At least not a major one. She took a deep breath and walked over to the pool. “I’ll wait for you over here,” she said quietly, as she sat down at the edge and stuck her feet in the water.

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Two turkey grinders-extra mayo, cheese, pickles, olives, tortilla chips, salsa and a bottled water-later, Tina eased herself into the pool. She was pleasantly full, but not overly so, and despite the myth that she should not try to swim for at least two hours it felt incredibly good to move through the water. She gently pushed aside some of the hibiscus flowers that floated in the pool, and dipped her head underwater.

Bette watched as Tina smoothed her hair back. She had been tearing off pieces of her sandwich, chewing but not tasting, wishing that she could say something to Tina, anything but the silence. She took a drink of her wine, trying to take the edge off. She had hoped that Tina would have elected to have some wine as well, it had always calmed her, made her words flow. But Tina didn’t want the wine, she wanted water instead. She wasn’t going to make things easy, Bette thought.

“Aren’t you going to come in?” Tina asked, swimming up to where Bette’s long legs dangled in the water.

Bette immediately pushed her food aside, sliding into the pool and standing next to Tina. She was nervous, and couldn’t keep her gaze in one spot, her eyes taking in everything around her, but not really paying attention.

“Look at me,” Tina said, quietly.

Bette brought her eyes to Tina’s, wanting to look away but knowing that if she did the moment would be gone.

“I want to talk about this, but it has to be on my terms Bette..”

“Anything you want, Tina,” Bette interrupted, her face becoming flush when she saw the stern look that her wife was giving her.

“First off, I won’t interrupt you, and you can’t interrupt me. Agreed?”

“Of course,” Bette nodded.


“Second, I have some questions and I want you to be truthful with me. No more of this trying to protect me. I don’t need your protection Bette, not anymore.”

“Done.”

“Third, I love you Bette. I love you with all my heart,” Tina’s voice began to waver, and Bette’s eyes filled with tears. “But as much as I love you, I hate what you’ve done. I’m not telling you that I hate you, Bette, I’m telling you that I hate what you did. There is a difference. I’m angry, and in between being angry, I’m hurt. So when we talk, if I find that I am getting too angry or too overwhelmed, I will end the conversation. We can talk more when I’m ready to continue. I want you to have that as well, to be able to stop if you need to.”

Bette could only nod her head, her throat constricting on the words that wanted to come forth. She knew she didn’t deserve this, did not deserve Tina and her willingness to talk with her, to get to the meat of their problems. She was going to have to be open, to talk about things that were potentially going to cause more hurt. As much as she felt like she couldn’t do it, she knew that she had to. She wanted to stay with Tina, and if Tina was willing to work things out, then so was she.

“Let’s dry off and we can go sit on the deck,” Tina offered, knowing that as nice as the water felt, they could not stay in for however long their conversation lasted. Becoming a prune was not her idea of a good time.

Tina and Bette got out of the water and slipped into the robes provided by the resort. They were thick cotton, and served well against the slight chill of walking outside. There were two lounge chairs, and they each took one. Bette had initially thought of asking Tina to lay between her legs, but she was not sure if such contact would be welcome as they talked, so she didn’t say anything.

Tina looked out at the view, watching the fading sun as it set. In other circumstances this would have been such a romantic setting for them. Their private deck would have allowed them to make love unseen, and Tina felt warm just thinking about it. Despite everything, she could not deny that she was still powerfully attracted to Bette, even more so since finding out about Candace, if that made any sense at all.

“Bette?”

“Yea?” Bette swallowed hard, ‘Here it comes.’

“Was it just her, or have there been others?”

“No, it was only her.” Bette answered quickly, she wanted Tina to feel reassured.

Tina nodded, once again looking off into the distance. One of her major concerns was addressed, and she felt somewhat better. She knew that if there had been more than one she-they- would not have been able to recover from it. With one person, they could pick it apart to find out the reasons and work towards some understanding.

“When did it start?”

“When you left to Palm Springs,” Bette said quietly.

Tina felt a wave of anger rise within her. The trip that Bette had been too busy to go on.

“Is that why you didn’t go?”

“No, I really did have a lot of work to do. She…she stayed that night to go over some plans for the displays. You called when she was there with me, and when she asked me who it was, I told her you were my girlfriend.”

“So you didn’t tell her we were married.”

“No.”

“And the reason for that is….?”

“I don’t know. It just came out.”

“And you didn’t try to correct it?”

“No, Tina. I didn’t.”

“So what happened?”

“We stayed for awhile in my office, ate, and then she left. A minute later she came back, she had forgotten her tool belt.”

“Alice was right,” Tina said, smiling wryly.

“What?”

“That is the oldest ***** trick in the book.”

“Ok,” Bette said, unsure of what the ***** Tina was talking about, but letting her have her moment.

“Please,” Tina said, shaking her head, “continue.”

“She came back, and she kissed me. As much as I knew it was wrong, and that I should have stopped her, I let her.”

Tina took a deep breath. A kiss. There was more, there had to be, but for a few moments she wanted to get her mind around the fact that Bette had kissed someone else besides her. Tina tried to remember the last time they shared a passionate kiss. It had been quite awhile. Tina suddenly remembered something.

“This was on Friday night, right?”

“Yes.”

“That night while I was down there trying to have fun, but wishing you were there with me, I told Jenny my coming out story. I told her how we met, how you were the first woman I had ever been with. She told me she didn’t know you were my first girlfriend. Do you want to know what I said about you?”

Bette had the feeling it was going to make her feel even shittier, but she encouraged Tina to share.

“I told her you were my first, last, and forever.”

“I still am Tina.”

“Are you? I mean, do you really see yourself with me forever?”

Bette turned towards Tina and answered simply, “Yes.”