–

“I’m afraid…”

“Of what, Bette?”

“I’m afraid that they’re expecting me to be my old self again…”

“And I really don’t think I can.”

“I don’t like the same paintings, the same music, or even the same clothes…”

“I just don’t want them expecting this other person to suddenly emerge because…”

                “Because…”

“I’m scared that I won’t be enough. Me…”

               

                “Tina?”

                                “No…”

I looked up and met her tearful eyes with my own threatening to bathe my cheek.

                               

                                “You’re enough… You, Bette, right now… Is all I ever need…”

                                “And want… And I really love you… Now, then, forever…”

“I love you too….”

 

We looked into each other’s eyes and heard a soft sniffle…

I tuned to look at her and smiled…

–

“We even got professional psychiatrist, Celine Meyer to shed a tear…” I mumbled to myself rubbing my growing belly.

Just then a pair of porcelain arms enveloped my growing waist.  I covered her pale arms with my warm ones, gently pulling her elbows closer so that our embrace didn’t allow anymore gap between our bodies.

She buried her face in my brown locks. It was a lot longer now—just the way she said she loved…

“Hey, babe…” Her languid greeting made my smile grow just a little bit bigger. I loved that I had such a calming effect on her.

“Hey…”

“I got you something—And you too, baby.” She rubbed my belly with so much love in her face that I feel a little guilty.

Here she was, my then ex-wife and current partner, loving a life that was growing in me—one that I had not expected or even wanted for the briefest period…

Here she was being a loving soon to be mother of a—child I’m carrying and I…

I couldn’t even say a simple phrase of affection to it…

I’m starting to wonder if keeping is the right choice…

I’m beginning to understand the magnitude of having…

I’m already struggling to love…

This isn’t how a mother should feel. No. A mother should be…

Everything that I currently do not have, desire, or even try to be.

                Doubts. That’s all I seem to have. I hate it.