”If I could just hide
The sinner inside
And keep him denied
How sweet life would be
If I could be free
From the sinner in me
I’ll never be a saint
That’s not a picture that your memory paints
Not renowned for my patience
I’m not renowned for my restraint
But you’re always around
You can always be found
To pick me up when I’m on the ground"

Three hours later, Shane enters the kitchen, her naked feet soundless on the dark parquet flooring.
She’s only wearing her black sweat pants and a black tank top.
She lights a cigarette and stares at the rain pouring down on the black streets below.
She is burning and feeling strong emotions but, at the same time, she’s in peace with the whole world… except with herself.
It’s something she’s used to, after all.
Shane never feels clean, never feels pure, never feels innocent.
Never.
But when she is with Carmen, all the pain and the torment are soothed.
She rests her forehead against the cold glass of the window, inhaling a long breath, and smiles to herself.
In the background, the sounds of the water running in the shower and Carmen’s sweet voice humming an unknown tune.
I am so fucking in love that it hurts, she thinks.
I am so fucking in love that I could die now and it wouldn’t matter.
I would die happy.
She takes a drag from her smoke and heads towards the fridge.
Her stomach is grumbling.
She grabs a green apple, opens a drawer and takes a knife.
She sits at the table and starts peeling her apple, a thoughtful expression on her face.
She’s whistling to herself when Carmen reaches for her, enveloped in a white towel, her beautiful face relaxed and content.
Carmen leans against the doorframe, her arms folded.
“Babe… Are you hungry?”, she asks, half-smiling.
Shane chuckles, cutting another slice from her apple.
“Yes… Somebody just fucked my brains out…”.
Carmen bites her lower lip.
“Well… It’s funny, the same thing is just happened to me…”.
Shane smiles, staring at the apple and cutting another slice.
She holds it against the blade and lends her hand towards Carmen.
“Want some?”, she asks gently, glancing up.
Carmen smiles disappears.
Shane raises her eyebrows, perplexed.
“Want some?”, she repeats.
Carmen is staring at the blade, slightly sparkling in the dim light of the kitchen.
“Put it down”, she says then.
Shane frowns.
“What?”.
“Put it down”, Carmen repeats in a flat tone.
Shane doesn’t really understand.
She gets up and starts turning around the table, apple and knife still in her hands.
“Carmen, I was just ask –“.
“Put that fucking knife down!”, Carmen yells unexpectedly, stepping back and tripping in the drinks cabinet behind her shoulders.
Shane jerks and, instinctively, opens her hands.
The apple reaches the floor with a “thud”.
The knife tinkles against the hard wood and then the room is silent again.
Shane feels shivers going down her spine.
She’s watching Carmen.
Carmen rubbing her forehead with her left hand, and her abdomen with the right one, and starting to weep uncontrollably. She slowly slips down, sitting on the floor, saying nothing, just sobbing like a child.
Shane snaps and runs towards her, kneeling down and holding her head against her chest.
“Sssst…Honey… I am here, I am here…”, she whispers, trying uselessly to swallow the lump in her throat.
Carmen clings to her shoulders and sinks her face into her tank top.
“I am sorry… I am sorry…”, she keeps on repeating.
Shane swallows pure pain.
“No, no, no… It’s okay, it’s okay honey…”, she murmurs, her lips against the top of Carmen’s head, rocking her gently.
She really doesn’t know what to do.
She really doesn’t know what to say.
She just feels like crying.
It’s so true.
We all have our demons.

”I’m still recovering
Still getting over all the suffering
More known for my anger
Than for any other thing
But you’ve always tried
To be by my side
And catch my fall when I start to slide”**

**
SOUNDTRACK:
* “I Am You” (Depeche Mode)
** “The Sinner In Me” (Depeche Mode)