”Why does your world keep burying
Gorging much deeper, than it’s ever been
Rubbing still harder, salt on my hurt
Licking my burns while I grovel in your dirt”

Just for a second, she seems the woman she used to be. But Shane can’t see her, she’s too busy trying to digest her last statement.
Then, unexpectedly, Carmen reaches for her hands, covering them with hers.
“Shane… I am sorry for what I said. I guess I am just a bit nervous. I wasn’t expecting Jenny’s call. And what she told me has been a kick in the guts. But that doesn’t mean that I can insult you every time I open my mouth. So… I am sorry. It’s not like me. I am not that temperamental anymore”.
Shane doesn’t dare to move.
She doesn’t want Carmen to pull her hands away.
She only lifts her head a little, just to meet her eyes.
“I wish you were temperamental like you used to be, Carmen”.
Carmen doesn’t reply.
“I wish you…”.
“May I take your order, please?”, the waitress cuts in with a gentle smile.
Carmen and Shane snap.
“Yes, please. Uhm… Two espressos”.
“Perfect. I’ll be right back”.
The moment is broken.
Shane sighs.
“Don’t be sorry, Carmen…”, she repeats, muttering.
Carmen sighs.
“Shane… Tomorrow around midday will be leaving for New York. We are going to stay there for three weeks. So, before we leave, you’ll need to go home and pack your bag”.
At least she still likes planning things, Shane think bitterly, and nods.
“Why are you going to New York?”, she asks then.
Carmen rubs her neck.
“I have some gigs there. I will be spinning in Manhattan”.
“That’s great…”, Shane tries to smile, but there is no smile in return.
“So…uh…You are still a DJ”.
Carmen bites her lower lips.
“Yeah… I think that’s the only stable thing in my life”.
Shane tilts her head.
“…Uhm… No relationships?”, she asks.
Carmen half-smiles at the waitress as she lays two coffee mugs on the table.
“No, I don’t want anyone around me”, she answers then, completely emotionless.
Shane nods slowly.
“Yeah… You know, I think that should be my line. Because what I did tonight shows how unable I am to do something without hurting all the people around me”.
Carmen pushes the mug towards her.
“What I have learned is that people can change, if they really want to. And sometimes, even if they don’t want to… It’s happened to me, against my will. Maybe it will be happening to you, if you really want it”, she says.
“I don’t know what I want anymore. I just know what I wish I didn’t do”, Shane states.
“But you did it. And what is done cannot be undone, most of times. The only thing left is your future. That’s something you have to work on. Obviously, it all depends on what you decide to do of yourself”.
Shane stares at her like she’s seeing her for the very first time.
Something inside of her heart melts and she doesn’t know what it is. She just knows that she doesn’t feel drunk anymore but that, at the same time, her head is spinning a little.
The truth is that she doesn’t remember anymore how Carmen made her feel.
The truth is that in three years, Shane had worked hard to banish everything about her from her thoughts and from her sight.
That’s the reason why one night, just a few days after Whistler, completely drunk and in a total self-distructive mood, she had burned all the photographs that immortalized her life with Carmen.
She had watched the flames licking and burning, devouring and destroying, and just after a while, when she had realized that the pictures were becoming ash, she had tried hard to put out the fire.
Unsuccessfully.
She had just burned her hand in her vain attempt.

”But I don’t want your charity
Twisting me round
I don’t want your charity
Keeping me down…
You pity me with your tasteless gestures
Gratitude for kind
But your bludgeoned, intentioned objectives
Are screwing with my mind, screwing with my mind”*

TBC

**

SOUNDTRACK:
* “Charity” (Skunk Anansie)

**