”You said I was your everything,
You said I was the one,
You played me like a radio,
You use to love that I had no shame.
Pour my pain into words,
Hold my hand to the flame”

New York City – Hotel – Two days later

A knock at the door and the impression her life is all a déjà vu.
Shane is slumped on the couch. At least ten empty bottles lay at her feet.
Beer. Vodka. Wild Turkey’s.
Jazz music playing in the background. A kind of music Shane doesn’t really understand but at least there are no words, there is no singing, there is nothing she has to hear a part the pure instruments.
Knocking, again.
Shane doesn’t move, she just takes a glance at the closed door.
“Come on Shane, open up, I know you’re in there”.
Carmen’s voice. Velvety and distant, and it’s not only a matter of space.
Shane gets up sighing and wades towards the hall. She turns the door knob and when she sees her, she realizes.
She realizes how she had missed her during the last two days of self-reclusion, during her own personal – and brief – hermitage.
“Hi…”, she says, huskily.
“May I come in?”.
Carmen is wearing a V-neck black sweater that underscores her full breast, black leather pants and the usual military boots. Her long hair are down on her shoulders.
She is pretty as a picture, she is perfect and breathtaking like the Parthenon, like the Coliseum.
Shane swallows.
“Sure…”.

”Tell me you’ll love me like a star
Tell me you’ll want me wherever you are,
Tell me you’ll breathe me until your last breath.
Liar, Liar, oh, Liar, Liar…”

“I was starting to worry…”, Carmen says, taking a look around and noticing the empty bottles on the floor. As usual, she doesn’t seem bothered by anything.
Not by Shane’s devastated look.
Not by the alcohol probably running into Shane’s veins.
Not by those tragic eyes where excitement, emotion, shame and fear are mixed.
Shane clears her voice but doesn’t say anything.
“I was starting to worry and I was right, it seems…”, Carmen mutters as if she’s talking to herself.
“Carmen… I just wanted to be alone for a while”, Shane explains.
“I see. Why?”. She stares at her, her arms folded.
Shane scratches her head.
“Because I needed to think about many things. And that’s what I did”.
“It seems me you’ve been pretty busy with those…”, Carmen observes, pointing at the bottles.
“Oh fuck you Carm. Fuck you”, Shane snaps unexpectedly.
Carmen’s eyes widen. Just a little.
“Excuse me?”.
“Yeah, fuck you. I know I’m damaged. I know it, for Christ’s sake. I know I fuck up everything and all the fucking time. Okay? I know that. But you’re not helping me at all”.
Carmen ducks her head.
“What should I do, in your humble opinion?”. She sounds sarcastic.
Shane grimaces.
“First of all, I don’t wanna take the kind of medicine you forced me to swallow two days ago, okay?”.
Carmen frowns in pure surprise.
“What are you talking about?”.
“The whole wham bam thank you ma’m shit, okay? I can’t stand it. You hurt me”.
Carmen raises her eyebrows.
“Whoa. Go figure”.
“Stop it!”. Shane puts her hands on her head in frustration.
“Carmen, I don’t really know who you are anymore. Okay? I don’t understand you anymore. And I know you don’t understand me –“.
“You’re so sure about it…”. Carmen shakes her head.
“…But I hate myself for feeling so warm and fuzzy when you’re around, okay? I hate myself for that. I hate myself because I know you will never let me in”.
“Where?”. Carmen’s eyes right into hers.
“Inside of you. Metaphorically speaking”. Shane blushes a little.
“And then… I don’t know, I hate this. I hate not being around you and I hate the way you relate to me. You always sound so zen, so detached from everything and everyone, I hate that!”.
“So zen…”. Carmen mumurs to herself, chuckling bitterly.
“You know Carmen, I get it. You don’t love me anymore. Fine! But please don’t elbow me with sexual allusions, okay? Fuck that”.
“Why are you so upset?”.
“Stop it!”, Shane answers with a growl.
She walks towards her bedroom and grabs the empty bag laying on the floor.
Carmen observes her for a very long time.
“What are you doing?”
“Maybe this trip wasn’t such a good idea…”. She starts putting her clothes into the bag.
“Shane…”.
No answer.
“Shane…”.
No answer.
“Alright. I’ve had enough”.
Carmen walks towards her and grabs her shoulder, forcing her to turn around.
“Okay, now that we are face to face we can talk about this matter”.
Shane grits her teeth.
“You keep on looking at me like I am the Carmen you once knew. You keep on looking at me expecting me to smile at you, hug you and tell you that everything is going to be alright. Well, this is not going to happen. I am not that person anymore and I have no idea if or when something will be alright, for me or for you. You keep on watching me like you’re expecting me to tell you that I am falling in love with you all over again –“.
“No. that’s not you. That’s me”, Shane says.
Then, she grabs the nape of her neck and pulls her in a kiss.
Carmen’s eyes open wide, her hands suspended, her face petrified.
Shane feeling shivers going down her spine. Feeling an emotional earthquake kissing those familiar lips, tasting Carmen’s tongue, inhaling the inebriating scent of her skin.
The time stops.
Shane runs her fingers through Carmen’s hair, dying for feeling her more, more, for feeling her in the purest of ways.
The kiss deepens, deepens and Shane knows that if she stops now, the pain she’ll be feeling will kill her.
So she kisses her with all the overwhelming, painful, unbearable love invading every fibre of her being.
Slowly, Carmen’s eyes close and her hands rest on Shane’s shoulder. They run across her back, across her hair, they cup her face.
Then, she pulls away and stares at Shane like she’s just betrayed her. Like she’s just stabbed her to death.
She purses her lips and shakes her head, slowly.
They are both breathing heavily. The sound of their breath, the inaudible sound of their bodies reacting to one another fills the whole room.
“Carmen…”.
“I know that you’re about to tell me that you didn’t mean it. Don’t”.
Shane swallows and, for the very first time in the last days, she’s not afraid to watch her straight in the eyes.
“No. I meant it. And I am not fucking sorry. There are many things I’m sorry about, but this one is not one of those”.
Carmen stares at her.
“This is not going to happen anymore, Shane”.
“Why”.
“You wanna know why? Because I don’t trust myself with you”.
She storms off the room.

”Bit by bit I feel the draft,
Just sit back and watch it burn,
Hold your eyes up to my veins,
Call out, call out my name”**

**

SOUNDTRACK:

* “Ballad In Urgency” (The Black Crowes)
** “Liar Liar” (Alexz Johnson)