Is this what you really want.
In a corner of Shane’s mind, though, there is still a small hope surviving.
Shane is not the kind of person who dares hoping something. She never did.
But she can’t help it. Since she met Carmen there’s this tiny ray of light peeping in periodically.
A hope for the future.
Waking up near Carmen. Feeling the softness of her skin, inhaling her scent. Brushing her long, smooth hair. Kissing her neck. Seeing her smile. Walking across a house where they live together. Children’s laughters.
Shane swallows.
I’m thirty, she thinks to herself.
But do I honestly believe I’ve done a complete 180 in the few days I’ve met her again? Well, people don’t change overnight.
But they can start.
Can I start.

”There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I cant explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.”

One morning, not so long ago, Shane woke up and started taking pictures at Molly. She was sleeping on her unmade bed.
Shane stood there, camera in her hand, motioning silently through the room.
Take.
Take.
Take.
She wanted to immortalize a moment. She wanted to cherish it forever.
You had always gone with the flow, panta rei, everything flows, right Shane?
And while you were taking those photographs, how many times have you imagined Carmen at Molly’s place?
You did it, right Shane?
You did it and felt ashamed for that.
You banished the thought of her from your mind for the millionth time.
But it didn’t work.
That’s the reason why you felt that lump in your throat when she reappeared in front of you, in Jenny’s backyard. That’s the reason why you snapped.
Artemis.
Goddess of forests, hills, fertility, the huntress carrying a bow and arrows. Goddess of the moon.

”Ok.
Just a little pinprick.
There’ll be no more
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe it’s working… good.
That’ll keep you going for the show.
Come on it’s time to go.”

Shane gets up and goes straight to Carmen’s room.
She knocks at the door. Firmly. Several times.
Not the friendly-sexy drumming of fingers she used the night before their marriage-gone-to-hell thing.
Carmen appears in the door frame and looks at her without saying a word.
Her eyes are reddened, puffy.
She cried.
And Shane doesn’t know if she should feel happy or sad for that.
“Hey…”, she says, huskily.
“Hey”, Carmen says back.
Intense silence, intense staring at each other.
There are so many things Shane would like to tell her. But she can’t find the words.
Seeing her, she has the impression every word would be so easy, and so useless at the same time.
So she just swallows and murmurs.
“Look… I am sorry I made you feel uncomfortable. I wasn’t lying when I said that I really meant to kiss you. It’s true. But also…”.
Carmen’s glacial eyes fixed in hers.
“…Also I don’t wanna cause you any more pain. The truth is that you’re moving something inside of me…”.
“I am not doing anything…”. Just a simple assertion. But so painful to hear.
“I know, I know”, Shane reassures her feeling something cracking deep inside. “But that’s it. And there’s nothing I can do about it. That’s how I feel”.
She pauses, shaking her head.
“I am not here to tell you silly things… I am not here to tell you that you’ve always been in my heart, that I’ve been looking for you in every woman I’ve slept with during the last three years. The truth is that I’ve tried hard to forget you. I’ve tried hard to pretend that you never entered my life. And, for a while, it worked”.
No apparent reaction on Carmen’s face.
She is still leaning against the door frame, as if she’s shielding something into her room.
Shane doesn’t even dare to ask her to let her in.
She only clears her voice.
“It worked, for a while. Then… here you are. And it’s not working anymore. You say you don’t trust yourself with me. Well… when I am with you, I lose control”.
Carmen is still looking at her, straight in the eyes.
“…So… Please tell me if you want me to disappear from your life once and for all. Tell me that you want me to go away and I will. I promise. Or tell me that I can stay and try not to make you feel uncomfortable anymore”.
“What do you want?”.
Shane closes her eyes for a second and tries to smile.
“What I want is something we will not discuss. It doesn’t matter anymore”.
Carmen ponders her words for a long time.
Then.
“You can stay, if you really want to. And… You can come with me at the club. You have always been my lucky rabbit’s foot when I used to spin at the Planet”.

"There is no pain you are receding.
And distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can’t hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb."*

**

SOUNDTRACK:
* "Comfortably Numb" (Pink Floyd)