”Find yourself a back door
I see you in line dragging your feet
You have my sympathy
The day you were born you were born free
That is your privilege”

She gets up easily, smoothly, silently.
She doesn’t even need to turn on the light.
She knows her apartment by heart.
In the darkness, she moves like she has no weight or form.
She goes to the bathroom, washes her face.
She stares at her own eyes on the mirror and thinks about the last three years without Shane.
She thinks about how she’s been feeling alone. She thinks about how strong she became because of her getaway.
Shane killed her that day in Whistler.
Only her own, stubborn will brought her to life again.
She is so different from the person once she was. Nobody could tell.
And now, she is ready.
She dresses herself.
Blue jeans, a black, long sleeve shirt, black army boots, black leather jacket.
Her long, dark hair down on her shoulders.
Her face is severe and honest, just like her heart.
She is so different, now.
Carmen grabs her car keys and opens the door.

”Isn’t it strange that the man standing in front of me
Doesn’t have a clue why he’s waiting or what he’s waiting for
Maybe its me but I’m sick of wasting energy
Maybe if I look in my heart, I can find a back a door”

Carmen drives and, from the look on her face, you could say she’s just roaming with no apparent destination. The truth is that she always feels that she can do more and does not set her sights on the final goal. This way, the final goal is always moved forward.
Now, her final goal has a name and a surname: Shane McCutcheon.
Carmen doesn’t know what’s going to happen when she’ll be finally face to face with her.
After Whistler, they had just one single encounter and, at that time, she wasn’t the woman she is today. The last time she saw Shane, there have been tears, slaps, some insulting words and then a wild night of angry sex made of bites, grievance pangs, scratches and wicked orgasms.
And the morning after, when she woke up, Shane wasn’t there.
Another getaway.
She didn’t left a note on the pillow and she didn’t write a message on the mirror using Carmen’s lipstick. She didn’t let a coffee mug on the nightstand and she didn’t call.
The morning after, Carmen felt like Shane never got into her apartment or her bed.
And she stopped thinking how in the world Shane would know where she lived.
She stopped asking to herself why she disappeared again – again – without explanations.
She forced herself to stop suffering and she killed something that was still living deep inside of her.
That morning after, Carmen assassinated her love for Shane.
And now, as she drives by heart towards Jenny’s house, she doesn’t know exactly what’s going to happen when she’ll be face to face with Shane.
What she knows, is what is not going to happen.

”Find yourself a back door
I see you in line dragging your feet
You have my sympathy
The day you were born you were born free
That is your privilege”*

Carmen closes the car door and walks towards the front gate.
It’s wide open.
In the moonlight, she sees her.
Shane is sitting on the steps with her head resting on her knees.
Just like after Dana’s funeral, three years ago.
She is not crying, but she rocks back and forth, an unsmoked cigarette dangling from her fingers.
Carmen walks towards her and stops just a few steps away, with her hands shoved in the hip pockets of her jeans.
She stares at Shane.
She doesn’t blink.
She doesn’t bite her lower lips.
She doesn’t hesitate.
Her face shows absolutely no expression.
“Shane”, she calls.
Her voice resounds in the empty yard and Shane immediately stops rocking.
But she doesn’t raise her head.
“Shane”, Carmen repeats.
Shane’s eyes appear in the dim light. The rest of her face is still hiding behind her forearm.
The look in her eyes is frankly priceless.
It’s surprised.
A bit scared.
Above all torn.
It seems like she’s figuring out if she should get up and hug her former bride-to-be or just scout and never come back.
Carmen is staring at her from the above and the resulting picture is a small, deceitful human being in the presence of a goddess.
Despite her offhand attitude, Carmen seems Artemis, goddess of wild things and hunter-in-chief.
And Shane…
Well, Shane is Hephaestus. The god of fire.
Because she’s a blazing flame and everything she touches… ends burned.

**

SOUNDTRACK:
* "Privilege" (incubus)