The night my entire life went to hell my father was being honored for being the highest earning attorney at his firm. The arguing started on the car ride home. “So that was her,” my mother stated flatly. “Don’t start this tonight, Karen,” my father said, never taking his eyes from the road.

The arguing continued as I tried to disappear from the backseat. It continued all the way home and well after I had taken my shower and gotten into bed. For the next hour and a half I focused all my energy on tuning them out as I drifted in and out of sleep, continually being awakened by their shouts or a nightmare that made no sense to me.

The last time I woke up the entire house was quiet. I figured they went to their separate corners to prepare for a long day of pretending and fights. Deciding the coast was clear I slipped out of bed and walked into the hallway. I saw both rooms were dark but the light was on in the backyard. I grabbed a blanket from the linen closet and prepared to console my mother.

Stepping outside, I approached her and saw the token wine bottle and next to it an empty pill bottle. Turning towards my footsteps my mother looked up at me with tears streaming down her face. I could feel a fresh set welling in my own eyes as I looked at the woman in front of me. “Why,” I asked as I fell down beside her weeping like a child. I begged not to do this, I told her to how much I needed her and how I would be lost without her. Her only answers were, “I’m sorry,” and, “I just wanted the pain to stop.” She kept repeating it over and over again until all she could say was sorry and soon she stopped speaking completely.

I don’t know when I started screaming for help or exactly when my father ripped me away from my mother’s body. My vision became blurry as he held me from fighting the EMT that swarmed my mother. The moment they pronounced her dead I slipped to the cold tile beside the pool and wept; my entire body shook with the effort. The buzzing in my ears and the pain in my chest came the moment I realized my mother wasn’t going to wake up. They disoriented and paralyzed me as I watched them cover my mother’s lifeless body. I was helpless as I tried to will it all away. I wanted it all to disappear: the EMT, the buzzing, and the pain because if it wasn’t real then tomorrow I would wake up in the morning and my mother would be making pancakes for breakfast. Everything would be the same as always. But as I watched them carry my mother away I lost all hope, my mother was gone forever and so was my perfect, cookie cutter family.

I tried to tell you before you left. You are the only thing that makes sense. So just ignore all this present tense.