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    Hindsight – Chapter 1

    Story written on November 9, 2006 by Jobadge.
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    Number of Comments: 46
    Words: 5922
    Story Shortlink: https://lesfan.com/?p=63161
    Author Notes:

    Bette Porter: I never believed it would become a chore to live…

     

    But then, thoughts of her are in the forefront of my mind and they always would be, they would be until I took my last breath, there was one thing though… about these thoughts… they were painful, so very painful, but currently they allowed me to travel from one day to the next, but the journey to each day was long and hard fought, I had never believed it would become a chore to live, it was becoming a difficult task to make myself wake to a new day and carry myself through that day to the next.

     

    But I had to…, there was no choice in it…, not if I ever wanted to see my daughter again, the daughter I hadn’t spent any time with in the last couple of months, actually it was seven weeks and four days since I had spent any time with her, but that was my own fault, my own stupid fucking fault for thinking I had any right or control, for thinking I could drive away in the middle of the night and for Tina to just sit back and accept it, hindsight… hindsight… hindsight… what was I thinking, maybe I wasn’t thinking at all, that is the explanation that was close to how some of my life was driven, actions before thoughts…

     

    If I had only had that little bit of hindsight then maybe today I wouldn’t have had to of seen and felt what I did.  I thought that them leaving was difficult, but no, the pain I went through when she left me, that was an indescribable pain, but today… today I felt a pain like nothing I had ever experienced before.

     

    Hindsight wouldn’t have helped me today, but maybe it would have helped me in how I got to this point in my life, actually there are no maybe’s about it, fucking hindsight…

     

    Fucking hindsight would have allowed me to see the repercussions in my life following the affair, but if I am to analyse the past, hindsight would have allowed me other gracious thoughts too, the ability to have acted differently when Tina showed concerns about us choosing a donor, the ability to have allowed my own emotions to spill free and deal with the grief of losing our son… I could go on and on…

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    Comments

    1. Wow… I would have slapped Tina when she said, “You have no idea.” Really? Doesn’t she?! Ugh. This hurt and made me angry and so many other things, but I love it…

    3. As painful as it was to read, I couldn’t pull my eyes away from the page. You always manage to bring me into your stories as if I’m actually watching the events unfold. You are AWESOME! I hope Tina will do the right thing, and let Bette see her daughter. She has emotionally beat Bette down by not allowing her to see Angelica and now it is affecting Bette’s health. PPS!

    6. That had to be the most depressing thing I’ve read in a long time. I understand, I can even relate, but I’m drained and not in a good way. Bette screwed up, hindsight or not. Doesn’t matter how young or how old we are, when were hurt, angry, etc., knowing doesn’t play into it, we totally react to our emotions. Tina still cares we know she does, lets hope they can work it out. It would be nice if Angelica was asleep in the car.

    7. Bette needs help. She can’t be with her daughter if she wastes away to nothing or drinks herself into oblivion. This is painful, but please keep writing.

    9. Holy shit! Thanks for making me cry Jo. That was fricken sad and Tina needs to not be a bitch and let Bette see her daughter. This better not happen on the show.I will NOT be happy!WAY heavy

    12. Damn, Jo, you’re bumming me out. Bette’s a bulemic alcholic. That’s one suck-ass combination. And Tina is brilliantly , unrecombitantly selfish. That’s pretty suck-ass, too. Has it finally dawned on Tina how vicious and unforgiving she is?

    13. Jobadge, You are a fantastic diversified writer. The emotions you evoke are spell binding, Between you and Jwets Post today, emotional is just putting it mildly

    14. Wow! That was painful to read and I like slipperynipple had to skim over the beginning and not in all relation to your writing. Is it bad to want severe bodily harm to come to a fanfic character? Damn!Jo, you are one of the few that can make me hate Tina one minute and then love her the next. Post soon!

    15. This is really deep and powerful. The depths of pain being felt by Bette can be felt in every word written. I wonder why Tina felt she had the right to go and check on Bette? How funny that she answered Bette’s question but can’t understand how the pain she felt would not be magnified a thousand times by keeping Bette away from “her” daughter. I am hoping for a happy ending with my favorite couple.

    16. You know I trust you but you know my hormones are all over the place. This post just about killed me. Cried like a baby…you are simply amazing. I hope you post again very soon.

    18. OMG, there are 2 empty bottles…she’s going to drop right there in front of Tina. Sad, but what a way to go right in front of the women who took her daughter away w/out any regard to her feelings…that’a a very long 7wks 4day…Well this gives a kick start to the day…and not in your usual way, tks JB

    21. God, that was painful to read. I hope Tina can now see things from Bette’s perspective and have a little compassion for her. You are going to continue with this story, aren’t you?

    23. Well at least Tina cared enough to check if Bette was ok after seeing her earlier..tho running away was probably on impulse…it wasnt right either!….A vulnerable Bette gets to us all i think!.well it does me!!!..and she has hit her lowest ebb…looking forward to seeing where this goes….

    24. At the age of 28 I have not yet quite figured out if hindsight is a blessing or curse. Personally I tend to lean more towards curse, ignorance is bliss afterall. Honestly I skipped quite a bit of this story, sorry, it had nothing to do with your writing. I’m just not a fan of self flagellation. If Bette had had any insight she might have secured her place in Angelica’s life or she might have left Tina alone after setting eyes on her. But you see that’s the bitch with hindsight there is no rectifying or changing what has already past. And oh yes Bette has my permission to choke the shit out of Tina at least in this story. :0

    29. Hey Jo, That was intense. I completely trust you because of all the fabulous fan fictions you have so lovingly crafted and developed. This is currently the most gut and heart wrenching one I have every read. The total despair is there on the screen. Bette’s depression is overwhelming. As is Tina’s thoughtlessness. Sad to see how a person who was once the heart of the family, the carer of all other so remote from soemone she once loved. The real heartbreak is Angelica’s loss of her mother. The poignancy of her “Mama” cry was awesome. More please as this tale needs to run its course. Thank you as ever for this magnificent piece of emotive narrative. It is in a class of its own. Thank you, Your Loyal (if Lurking) Fan.

    37. I had to stop and walk away a few times while reading this chapter/story. I have felt that total emptiness and took steps to not waking up again. My emptinss was not to the extent that Bette is feeling at this time but it was enough. I trust you to make this better and to ease some of Bette’s pain. Tina obviously is concerned and maybe just maybe she still loves Bette or she would not be standing by the pool watching the love of her life disappear in front of her eyes.

    38. Oh sweetie, my eyes misted too, so sad, but all the same truly amazing and beautiful!!! Like you I love a vulnerable BP, never thought you would show us her hitting the bottom like this, but I totally understand your reasons – and for me to enjoy a ‘lifeless’ and desperate BP like I just did says everything about what a gifted writer you are. I am even more in awe by you now…..you can write all kinds of emotions and scenarios!!!I do trust you mate, always!! I’m sure Bette will have little Angle back in her life, but I’m not so sure about T???? Did notice the Levis is still there, gives me hope though :o))Call off all your plans for tonight – you’ve to write more and NOW!! I can do your work tomorrow, so you can stay home and write ok LOL. Sorry for keep you waiting, but I had to think more about this one….and yeah The Zebra can think LOL. Post soon please.

    45. Bette has definately hit rock bottom…so hopefully she will start to climb up. She loves Angelica but she has to love herself also. She needs to be around for the time that Angelica will have a choice to be with her mother…it seems like Tina is enjoying her little new life with a man so Bette might just have to pick herself up and try to make the best of her life without the love of her life…(hopefully they can somehow make their way back together…but that is a long way away it seems) please keep posting this story.

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