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Hindsight – Chapter 3
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The few times I had tried the bedroom, I had been so exhausted I thought it would be okay, how wrong I was… we slept in that room together, but now she was gone, the silence was deafening, the smell was intoxicating, when sleep overtook me my head was always on her pillow, taking the remnants of her in, breathing her in, remembering her, my dreams were always so deep, on her pillow… on her pillow was where I weep, silently I wept for her, for me, for us…
I should hate her, but I would never do that, I could never bring myself that depth of feeling for someone I was so in love with, it was the total other end of the spectrum of my feelings for her, a place I would never visit, hatred, how could I hate the mother of my child, it would never happen, regardless of the last seven weeks and four days, my feelings had never once bordered on hate, anger… absolutely, bitterness… without a doubt, sadness… definitely, hate… never, love… always.
Wasn’t there some insane person who once said that if you love somebody you should set them free… why was that so hard to do? They say that if that person doesn’t come back then it wasn’t meant to be… why was that so hard to accept, it was always meant to be, we were meant to be, we were forever, those fucking taunting words weren’t pulling me through the hell hole of my current life, I would wait for a miracle, would a miracle bring them back to me…
I hope so… but where were we now… we were nowhere…
I think its time I opened my eyes, I’d gone through the same thoughts and feelings that I do every time its ‘open eyes time’, I’ve had my few minutes, my head still hurts, my eyes are painful even though I haven’t opened them yet, my chest still hurts, but they were all things that had become a regular occurrence, as with other things in my life, the smoking, the drinking, the lack of eating… oh god… I felt it in my stomach then, that regular morning feeling in my stomach that made me know that I wouldn’t be able to keep my eyes closed any longer.
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Please don’t apologise for the delay in posting. When you come back with an episode like this – well, it’s just breath-taking, and heart-breaking, but so, so beautifully, powerfully written. I do so hope that Bette’s heart can be mended – and that Tina is the one to do it. Thanks so much for this story.
Wow Jo this was amazing. Bette is so broken it’s sad. Angelica will help her heal. I can see Kit’s anger and raise it a notch…I hope Tina can see what she has had a hand in. Question…is she back cause she feels sorry for Bette or because she loves her? Technically she’s still with Henry right? Only one night has passed…so what happens next? We will be anxiously waiting.
Amazing PPS
Jo, everything about this current story is a slap in the face, cold arctic water splashed over you…It’s wonderful, heartbreaking, true reality, wonderful. Just when I don’t think you can surpass even your own great writing….You do, and with a slam dunk. Your writing inspires…what I’m not sure in me, but I feel the energy, I only wish I could put words to paper as you to talently do…Thanks just doesn’t seem adequate enough…but thanks!!!
Damn this is so painful and emotional, good that Angel is back to her MamaB and hope forever. Hope Tina and Bette will talk and work thing out. Ok post soon please, thanks!
Dammit authors need to stop making me cry. lol
I can NOT believe what i am now feeling from written words on a page…and not being physically involved in the described current quagmire myself.you have so exquisitely belayed the pain of separation. brutally poignant. if alley loves you to bits then so do i. sue
Your writing is amazing. I can really feel Bette’s pain. And now for the first time I think Tina does too. How two women who love each other beyond comprehension can be so devastatingly cruel is incomprehensible. Bette may be the flashier of the two but Tina is most definitely the tougher and more vindictive one. I always know that your stories are going to be a great read. PPS on this story.
wow amazing!. Im happy with the small step..Bette needs to live again and Angel is there to help but im sure although Tina made her suffer keeping their daughter away..Bette still love, want and need Tina too. I wonder what will happen. Post soon :D
you don’t stop to amazing me! this chapter has a lot of different feelings, anger, sad, hope and you manage to put them all together in a wonderful way.
jesus christ that was amazing…ur writing surpasses anything ive read so far! beautiful
Every time I get the chance (or maybe I should say priviledge) to read those words, those fragments of a life, love and loss so heartbreaking, I feel tears in my throat and heart… And yet, that burning sensation, that wrenching of my heart, it feels great because I know its you who’s giving us this story, and I know you’ll be able to fix it… My dear Jobadge, you are a genius (a thing that must have been said a million times) Thank you… thank you…
The overwhelming physical pain that Bette feels helps to cover up some of the emtional pain. Soft suicide allows one to go on with life but to slowly end their life without bringing to much attention to them. Hopefully now with Angelica holding tightly to Bette she will once again start to live. Whatever happens with Tina at least Angelica is there to hold her mother (Bette).
Once again you have blown me away with your writing. I check several times a day for this story and I’m over joyed when I see you’ve posted. Such and touching story…heartbreaking and yet full of hope for me. It will be a long road, but I’m sure you’ll find a way to mend their broken hearts. PPS…you’re the best!
I’m beginning to think that your Mirror Image idea is ringing very true. But what is going to happen to our down and outs?
What a great chapter. The world is still spinning isn’t it? These two say so much with just a look, a movement their silence . You capture it all so well. The inner thoughts, the outer turmoil. Thank you so for your talent and the fact you share it with us.
god that was so majorly intense. I’m not even going to try and lie…i cried like a baby!! ur an amazing writer. Please post soon x x
I’d been wondering where you’d gone. Sorry to hear about the migraines, they suck beyond description. As preventatives I’ve had doctors recommend a daily full strength, enteric coated aspirin (to control inflammation) and magnesium supplements. Now if you can get out of work and DIYs, you should be OK, as I’ve found work related stress another big factor. Hormones too, but that’s another story. And even though I was forarmed with my old lady glasses, I believe I detect a larger font, for which I thank you. I was not forarmed about Bette puking again, I was eating my dinner while reading that. Should I thank you again? I prefer restraint to violence in most cases, but defense of family is one of the few exceptions, so “a good crack” as my father used to say from Kit is justified, and given Tina’s selfishness, deserved. Your description of Bette’s pain rang very true.
That was intense, heartbreaking, and so real. Great chapter.
Holy wow Jo. Again another intense chappy.How about a little shits and giggles!Gotta luv this!
Way to go, Jo!
I’m first!!
WOW Job.What a heartbreaking chapter.The love,the loss,the pain,etc.I Can’t help but to feel bad for all involved especially Bette and Angelica,and even Tina. Your writing always paints pictures for the reader.Amazing. Kit slapping Tina for all the hurt and pain she’s caused her baby sister was uncalled for,but perfectly understandable. There’s so much history with these 2 lovers, and your writing describes it perfectly. Angelica is finally back with her Momma,as it should be. PPS. Love this fic.
I’m SO hooked!!!!!!!!!!!
Awesome once again, Jo–such heart-rending pain… It wasn’t right, but I sure understand why Kit slapped Tina! This is such a powerful story…hope you won’t have such a big gap before the next installment!
who knew so much pain could be so compelling. maybe it’s that you always weave in just a dash of hope. i have no idea how you do it but i’m really glad that you have and share the gift. thanks so much.
Wow! That was intense. Awesome writing Jo. So real. Tina should realise what she has done to Bette …
Man I wish I was Kit’s hand! Remember I am not an advocate for violence but Tina had it coming! Hopefully that knocked some sense into her on top of the sense she was getting. You know reading Bette’s POV, makes me not feel one fucking once of sympathy for Tina, the F-ing bitch. Somehow I just know your going to have me liking her.lol The tender moment between Bette and Angie was very sweet and touching. I am so awaiting the talk between them and please don’t have Bette be fainting all over the place. Post soon!
jobadge, i am new to the site and never have commented on stories, but this story is blowing me away. great job!
Whoa. That was intense. Heartache, a slow realisation of the situation at hand, a poignant reunion, and a much needed slap. A lot to take in, but a well worth it. Great stuff, Jo. I’ll be reading when you post again. Cheers
what am emotional heartbreaker, the scene with angelica and bette was so amazing and so real, i just hope tina will realize that bette needs her in her life as well as angelica to heal
this is very hard to read which is why everyone should. so many writers sugar coat B/T which is fair enough but what you have wrote J is reality — your writing always brings the strongest emotions in me and this was just as powerful. if B/T are to get together they need to sink this low. thank you for being so brave as to write something so true. i just love you to bits == clam tendencies or not. you brighten my mornings at work with your txts. hope you feel better babe xx
So sad. so loving and with Angie in her arms she will win the world. thanks
All very intense….and can understand Kit with Tina….good stuff!
Bravo! more soon
Holy cow, that was fantastic mate, I loved the hopeful Bette at the end. I’ve waited to hear about Bette thinking of her T, that not all was about missing her daughter, that gave me hope for them :o)) The first scene with Bette and Angel was so sweet and Kit slapping Tina…..what can I say….she deserved it, but I didn’t like it.
Wow… Simply amazing! You so vividly capture the wide range of emotions that Bette experiences throughout the episode. And that last scene when Tina and Bette are staring at each other, and Tins says I’m sorry”… OMFG, how perfect !