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Hindsight – Chapter 32
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I took a deep breath, I understood hindsight in the mistakes I have made in the past, I could tell her all about hindsight…, I had made the one monumental fuck up that caused the demise of our relationship…, would hindsight have made me make different choices in my life…, absolutely…
She kept looking at me, were we understanding one another in a way we hadn’t before, was talking about the scenario of hindsight a concept or our own experiences…, from my point of view…, both…
I spoke again, I looked down at my hands as I said the things going through my mind, “Hindsight can also cause regrets Tina, and sometimes in life we live with regret, decisions we made that we regret…, but… we also can’t live our life full of regret…, because you come to a point when you know that we can’t change those things we’ve done…”
I spoke from the heart, I had regrets…, and hindsight had taught me… taught me dearly…, I had lost my family and I regretted my actions more than I could possibly put into words, it was a regret that I would definitely be living with for the rest of my life…
I sighed, I looked back at her as I felt the sting in my eyes, I had spoken the truth, but there was more, more I needed to say to her…, I’m not sure if it was for my benefit or hers, “I try not to live with the regret because it will tear me apart…, and if I focused on the things in the past that hindsight made me understand then I would never have moved forward…”
“Was it hard to move forward…, to feel that regret and not allow it to blur the things ahead of you…?” She understood the nature of my regrets, she knew exactly what I had been talking about.
“Yes…, it was hard…, one of the hardest things I have ever had to do…”
“One of the hardest, there was something else…, harder than that?”
I nodded at her, her naivety was unbelievable sometimes, “Yes… there was something harder…” I paused, swallowing the lump in my throat at what I was about to say, this was the hardest, the hardest thing I had ever had to cope with, “You know the other thing is when other people make choices that affect your life…, choices that you have no control over…, hindsight makes you wonder whether you could have done things differently that would have made that person… not make the choices they made…”
I had laid it all on the line…, I had spoken about the regrets of my own actions and choices I had made…, but I had also spoken about her choices, hindsight made me wonder whether if I had fought harder for her, whether she would have still chosen to leave me…
I felt the tears slowly rolling down my cheeks, I thought this had started off about her, about how she was obviously reflecting and thinking about hindsight… I leant my head back against the headrest and closed my eyes, I felt the tightness in my chest… it was all relevant…
“Do you have any regrets Bette…?”
I turned my head to look at her and felt the emotions wash over me from the look coming from her eyes, I’m not sure if my voice would travel from my lips as I spoke, but I tried anyway…, “yes…, I do…”
“Me too…,” she looked back out of the window, before repeating the words, much quieter, but I heard it all the same, “me too…”
We sat quietly in the car, there didn’t seem to be anymore to say, my chest was still pounding, and the intense pain I felt…, it was still there, I thought my broken heart had been mending, but the pain only served to remind me that it was still broken, the edges may not be quite as sharp as they were, but it remained in shards nonetheless…, and when would the time come when I could say that I had healed…, I don’t know…, had it started…, I thought so…, but there were moments when my past regrets and the recent past was spoken about and it came and slapped me in the face, just to make sure I remembered…
As if I could forget…
I was still without my family…
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Yeah, where Jenny was merely annoying in a simpering kind of way in earlier seasons, she’s downright hateful this year. Evidently she believes that between having been victimized earlier and currently having been published, she now has carte blanche to be totally self righteous to the point of giving herself to abuse others. And her own team should have kicked her ass for that sorry display at the basketball court. In short, JENNY MUST DIE! And you’re also right about Bette. While they continue to find lame costumes for her, she manages to rise above them to be beautiful despite them. Now, since you have the girls back together, I’m sure you won’t let them destroy themselves with regret. That would be the downside of hindsight.
OH YEAH! STRANGLE JENNY BABE! ALL I WANNA DO! ARGH!
Damn that was good!!!!!!!!!!
LMAO loved your author note, you’re so crazy….and right LOL!!! About the chapter – it’s deep, emotional and so tough, but you’re such a genius….so I want more, now please :o))
Yeah it seems like the one who created the S4 banner for the FF section had something in mind. I keep thinking that’s Tasha’s arm about to choke Jenny, Tina looks like she’s grabbing Bette’s ass, and Alice looks like she’s touching Kit and…Kit’s ENJOYING it?! Man this was sort of sad. Hopefully they get past this.
Your author’s notes made me… so happy. And I agree, whole-heartedly. Ms. Beals is CRIMINALLY fine this season… anyway. OUCH. That hurt. :( But in the most beautiful way possible. Great as always, mate. Keep ’em coming.
Ok, I cried again after reading this. They both still have so much pain their holding onto. They must realize they are the only ones to fix it properly. Keep them talking and listening to one another. Hindsight…is very hard to deal with, but they must learn from it and move on.
Jo, Good to see that you are enjoying Season 4. I agree that Tasha manages to be butch without being masculine. The woman just oozes serenity particularly in the midst of madness. Alice’s poker party showed this attribute. And as for saving the best until last; yep! Ms Beals really has it going on this season. She was the central thread in the phone tree and managed to elude sexiness, anger, concern and desperation depending upon who she was talking to. Loved her chat with Kit there. Now on to the great stuff; Your latest chapter in this marvelous melodrama.Hindsight can be a curse as you wonder how you could have some things differently to get another result. But it is the choices that we nake and follow that make us who we are. I do believe that we show regret the things we haven’t do as apposed to those we have. There are little shoots of recovery blossoming as Bette and Tina start to share their inner most thoughts. They both know that there is no easy fix but at least they now know how the other one truly feels. I adore the skill and style that your stories follow: no quick fixes but honesty, communincation and effort. Thank you so much for entertaining me on a dull afternoon. Your Loyal Fan.
Great update Jo. Urgh so many regrets :( Hopefully they will find the strength to overcome all that…
hindsight…a curse & a blessing. definitely.