Tina: Bette..hi

Bette: oh, GodTit is so good to hear your voiceohT.Im so sorry that Ive hurt you.us.Im so so sorry

Tina: we need to talk

Bette: yes.I.tell me.when

Tina: Ill come over in about an hourok?

Bette: yesT.of course..T..Im so sorry.I love you..

Tina: Ill see you soon

1 hr later

Tina: Hi Bette

Bette: oh..***** is so good to see youdo you want to sit outside? Something to drink?

Tina: outside is finejust some water

Bette: here you areIve missed you..

Tina: Ive missed you too..I came because I needed to take a first step.Im not sure where that step will lead me us.but I cant stay in this space any longerit is simply too ugly, too painfulit makes me illand I dont want to feel this way anymore.

Bette: Im so sorryplease believe me when I say I am sorry..

Tina: I do believe you Bette, I dont think that your intention was to hurt meunfortunately, I dont think that you were thinking about me at all

Bette: Im trying to understand what I was thinking.it is hard to remember an experience when you really werent there in the first place..do you know what I mean?

Tina: Kind of.

Bette: I mean, I know what I didand oh god, I hate myself for it.and I understand why you would hate mebut I cant make sense out of it because it feels as if I wasnt really there..as if I was disassociated from the events..

Tina: I dont want to hate you Bette.I dont like being a hateful personI dont want to become bitter..that is why I am taking this step.I am trying to reach deep within myself and find the light that will get me out of this darknessI am trying to understand what happened to you that would force you outside of yourself , hovering above your life, shutting down, not feeling..acting so out of character.and I’m trying to understand myself so that I can begin living again..

Bette: T.I was becoming so numb.so emotionless..I think I was afraid that if I started to let myself feel the emotions I would just be overwhelmed.I didnt know.I didnt have the life experience to deal with fear and failure.and I was so fearful.that I wasnt living up to your expectations..so ashamed of failure.I could feel that I was losing you.that I was not giving you what you needed.that the resentments were building and I didnt see a way out..

Tina: why didnt you talk to me.that is the part that I dont understand.

Bette: it would have required me making admissions to you that I wasnt prepared to make to myself..

Tina: Bette, I am trying to be able to be open to understand you and to try to find forgiveness in my heart but I am struggling

Bette: you know that I love you.you have to know that.you deserve to know that

Tina: I am just so hurt, my pride is hurt.but I am trying to not let pride get in the way of seeing the situation for what it was.I somehow need to separate pride and self-esteem.

Bette: I was so selfish.I was only thinking about myself.I am so sorry that I hurt you

Tina: and now, I am trying to not do the same thing.if all I focus on is my wounded pride then this becomes so self-centered, so all about me – the victim —it lacks humility…and it is from humility that we derive empathy…it is from humility that we can be sensitive to others and it is pride that prevents that… and I dont want to be that wounded person..it doesnt really make me feel good.maybe for a moment, but not in any lasting wayand I need to get past that.

Bette: oh god, if you could T.if you could just help us get past this.

Tina: I think I finally understand why pride is a sin.it becomes all about yourselfas if your entity is all that matters.as if your inner strength or worth is determined by someone elses actions but that isnt it.each individual is responsible for their own self-worth, your own self-esteem – so it is not your actions, Bette, that measure who I amit is my own actions.I have to be pleased with my actions.I have to answer to myselfI have to look at myself in the mirror each morning and be satisfied with what I see.

And for me.I know that my self-esteem lies in being able to care.in being in a loving state..and I am going to do what I can to learn how to deal with resentments, anger.to not dwell in bitterness.

Bette: oh T, if you could find it in your heart, to give me.usa chance.it would be more than I deserve.and all that I could hope for.

Tine: Bette.I am doing this so that I can be comfortable with the person I am.so that I can find happiness.because I know that my future happiness is my responsibility.that I want to be in an emotional healthy state.so that I can give.so that I can love..and harboring these ill feelings is blocking that I am going to try to move past thisand release those feelings so that I have some hope for a peaceful life

Bette: T . Will you help me? My pride has caused so many problemsmy seeking approval, seeking the worlds validation using material accumulation and outside accolades has brought me so much heartache.I also need to respect my own self-worth, and within that value, understand my own humanity.

Tina: Bette.we each need to step back and be honest with ourselves.with each otherand see where that leads us.we need to do it and be open to the possibility that we dont really know what is best for us.we need to go forward with equanimitythat is, to be prepared & accepting of either outcome.splitting or rebuilding.because until we know who we are.until we know if the personal growth we need to go through leads us together or apart.until we can each find a personal peace and a centeredness we really shouldnt have an agenda.because we just dont know what is best.we are not able to see it clearly, we should just take one step.and continue the journey.totally open to all possibilities.we just dont know where it will leadbut it will not be an honest journey if we have a destination that is fixed.it is the process that is most important not the end resultif we fix on the end result we will not be listening to our feelings, our instincts in the present..we will be focused only on the outcome

Bette: I think I understand Tyou are right, .if we could just release our regrets, and relinquish the anxiety about the future.if we could just keep staying in the present.then maybe we will be able to be emotionally calm enough to actually listen to ourselves and to each other.and when we do that.we will at least be able to feel what is right..

Tina: this isnt going to be easy Bette..actually living in the present is harder than it seems.it is so easy to get caught up in the past painful moments and the insistence or worry about the future..

I am going to have to give up being the victim, I am going to have to fight succumbing to past resentments and you are going to have to develop patience, be less demandingadmit that you dont know what the future should hold..being willing to not insist and push to get what you want.these are major changes for us both.

Bette: I am ready to take the first step..